The Ten Best Stressed Puns of 1992

Puns voted by the members of the International Save the Pun Foundation to be the ten best stressed puns posted in the Pundit’s pages in 1992.

A report from archaeologists digging in the Middle East suggests that automotive technology originated not in modern America but in what the scientists believe to have been the first delicatessen.

Sifting through the ancient ruin, the team has discovered that workers there had been told they could eat anything they wanted during their lunch hour – anything, that is, except the expensive smoked salmon. Thus did they test the first anti-lox breaks.

A first-round baseball draft choice was not adapting well to life in the major leagues, and word of his constant complaining eventually reached the owner of his team, who asked the manager what was wrong.

With a shrug, the manager replied, ”That’s the way the rookie grumbles.”

What do you get when you cross 50 pigs with 50 deer?

A hundred sows and bucks.

A computer buff rigged the lawn mowers at his home and place of business so he could operate them by remote control. Halfway through his next vacation, his wife asked, ”Did you remember to mow the lawns this week?”

”Yes, dear,” he replied, ”I modem yesterday.”

Two young women on rigid diets were watching the gifts being unwrapped at a wedding reception when one of them said, ”What they really need is gift certificates from the grocery store.”

Her friend replied, ”Catering service for a year would be even better.”

”Yes,” the first woman conceded with a sigh, ”but wouldn’t that be postponing the inedible?”

At the annual zoo picnic, all the animals were quick to find the punch bowl. The first to pass out were a young horse and his best friend, a monkey, proving once again that a foal and his monkey are soon potted.

An athletic priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to take his second shot, when he heard the familiar, ”Fore!” and felt a ball hit his back.

The golfer who had hit the drive was quickly at the priest’s side, apologizing profusely. But the priest assured him he was not hurt.

”Thank goodness, Father!” the man exclaimed. ”I’ve been playing this game for 40 years and I can finally tell my friends I’ve hit my first holy one.”

Question: Why did the brass band player store his instruments in the barn?

Answer: So he would always be able to grab the horns by the bull.

When a band of marauding knights reached the Tobermoray area of Scotland, they stopped by a large expanse of water to have a swim and freshen up. A Scottish boy and his father watched them jump in and, when they emerged, the boy’s eyes widened and he said to his father: ”Look! Now they’re 12 feet tall!”

”Aye, lad,” the father replied. ”It is well known that the knights get longer in Loch Tober.”

A considerate young husband told his wife, who was in the final week of her first pregnancy, ”Be sure to wake me if you feel any labor pains.” He turned out the lights. Minutes passed. Then he began to emit a series of low, protracted groans followed by, ”Don’t! . . . Can’t! . . . Won’t!”

His wife snapped on the light and asked: ”What is it, honey? What’s wrong?”

”It’s all right, dear,” he said with a grin, ”I just thought I’d have my contractions first.”

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