The Sesame Street Bus

Someone recently asked me whether I had this one in the collection. I was sure that I did, but actually, I did not. This version was posted by Stan Kegel on the shaggy dog listserve at It is a classic, but it is long.

A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Bus Company.

His first day on the job, he arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out at his first passengers. There he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother looks into the bus and says, “You’re new aren’t you?”

The bus driver says, “Yes ma’am, I am.”

She says, “Well, I’d like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne.”

He simply can’t believe his eyes – these kids are big. Really big. I mean, they’re fat.

The mother says, “Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age…”

He keeps his tongue under control. She says, “I’d like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus.”

“No problem,” he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats. He closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son. The mother looks at him and says, “You’re new, aren’t you?” He says,

“Yes, ma’am, I am.”

She says, “Well, I’d like you to meet my son Josh. He’s very special.”

And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals.

The mother says, “My Josh is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day.”

“No problem,” says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up front. The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy. The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) “You’re new aren’t you?”

He says, “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

She says, “Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester.”

And when the driver looks at Lester, it’s a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He’s limping painfully.

The mother says, “Lester has problems with his feet.” The driver nods sympathetically. The mother says, “I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall.”

The driver says, “No problem,” and he helps Lester limp to his seat.

And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rear view mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It’s disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet.

Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn.

He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks right up to the boss and yells, “I quit!”

The boss says, “Whaddya mean, you quit?”

The bus driver replies, “There’s no future in this job.”

The boss says, “What are you talking about?”

The bus driver answers, “Here’s my problem. How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every day would be. … Two obese Pattys, special Josh, and Lester Cleese Picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus?”

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