The Hunting Safari

A very old tale found unposted in these archives. The author is not known.

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ain’t feeling so hot.” The doctor gives him a checkup, but the guy is fine physically.

The doctor tells him, “You’re just suffering from a bout of depression. Here, let me hypnotize you, and we’ll see if we can get to the root of the problem.”

So the guy is hypnotized, and it comes out that he’s discontent with his life. What he really wants to do is go on an African safari and hunt gorillas, something he’s thought about since he was a little child.

Just like that, the guy is filled with energy and he bounds out of the doctor’s office. He sells off his car and his home, and buys a ticket to Africa to pursue his calling.

Once he gets to Africa, he frequents the local pubs in town to try and find a safari guide. He keeps hearing this one guy’s name pop up, who is reputed to be the best safari guide ever. Since the fellow has a lot of money from the sale of all his worldly possessions, he decides that he can afford the best and he heads over to the guide’s house.

Once he gets there, though, he finds only a ramshackle hut, with the guide sitting on the porch chewing on a piece of straw. Next to the man lies the biggest, meanest-looking mutt the man has ever seen, also lazily chewing on a piece of straw. Keeping an eye on the dog, the man introduces himself and offers the guide $10K to go on a week’s safari; but much to his surprise the guide turns him down. “Naw, I quit that profession. Too dangerous,” he says. So the man offers him $20,000. “I told ya, it’s too dangerous. Not worth the risks,” says the guide. Finally the man offers him $50,000, and the guide agrees to go gorilla hunting just one last time.

“But first,” says the guide, “we hafta round up some help.” First, they go into the guide’s house, and get a big net. “What’s the net for?”, asks the first guy. “We’s goin’ gorilla huntin’, ain’t we?”, says the guide, and the guy doesn’t say anything else, for fear of sounding stupid.

Next, they go into town, with the dog following closely behind, and the guide takes them to a pygmy’s house. The guide instructs the man to hire the pygmy, at the cost of $10,000 per day. “This fellow,” says the guide, “is the best shot in Africa.” The man thinks that the price is kinda steep; but he figures that that’s what you have to pay, for the best. So he says okay, and the pygmy grabs a huge elephant rifle, almost the size of his body, and they head off.

The three guys and the dog go into the bush. The first man is most impressed by the fact that the pygmy makes a lot of obscene bodily noises, and eats a disproportionate amount of their food. Just when he is about to say something, the guide whispers “Shh!” and points up the trail ahead of them.

Perched in a tree branch is a small gorilla! The man eagerly raises his own rifle, and takes aim; but the guide quickly knocks the gun away and says, “You came here to Africa to hunt gorillas, didn’t cha? There’s no sport in that. Here, let me show you.”

The guide creeps down the trail, and slowly climbs up the tree, until he is on the same branch as the gorilla. Then, suddenly, he starts grabs the branch and starts shaking it wildly. The gorilla loses its balance and falls to the ground. As soon as it hits the ground, the dog runs up and bites the gorilla’s balls off. The gorilla screams in pain and passes out. From there, it is just a simple matter of collecting the gorilla in the net.

“Wow,” says the guy, “that was great. But, what do we need this pygmy for? I mean, sure, he may be the best shot in Africa, but it if we’re not going to shoot the gorillas…”

But the guide says, “If the pygmy goes, I go.” And that’s that. So the man shrugs, and occupies himself by enjoying the fact that he’s on safari, hunting gorillas.

The next day, they see a medium sized gorilla sitting on a fairly high tree branch. Same thing. The guide sneaks up into the tree, then shakes the branch, so that the gorilla falls down. The dog runs up and chomps on the gorilla’s balls as soon as it hits the earth. Gorilla goes in net. No shots fired.

“Fantastic!”, says the man. “But, are you sure we need this pygmy? I mean, he’s costing me $10,000 a day, and he’s not doing anything.” “If the pygmy goes, I go.”, says the guide, and that’s the end of the subject.

Third day — the trio spies a King-Kong sized gorilla, sitting on a branch way, way up in a tree. The gorilla would be higher off the ground, but his weight is bending the tree; that’s how big he is. The guide sizes up the situation, then goes into action, climbing up the tree until he’s on the same branch as the ape.

The guide starts shaking the branch. The gorilla grabs the branch and starts shaking it back! All of a sudden, the guide is falling out of the tree, instead of the gorilla!

And, as he’s falling through the air, the guide shouts to the pygmy…

“Shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!”

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