Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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The Captive

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Rated G

This excellent gem was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.


Our tale takes place in the Scottish Lowlands during the Middle Ages. The Locals had been terrified by a series of gruesome murders perpetrated by a very large man, who came to be known as “The Butcher” because of the state in which he left his victims.

Many members of the local law enforcement organizations spent months trying to track him down. The failure was so pronounced that the second in command of the local garrison, Sir Gavin of the Weald, took a personal interest in the criminal’s apprehension.

Sir Gavin was a well known character, as famous for his pack of small hunting dogs, as much as for his enforcement of the law. He could often be seen walking the glens looking for crimes, and exercising his dogs at the same time.

The searches continued throughout the Spring, and into the Summer, when, one early afternoon, Sir Gavin spotted a very large figure slumped at the base of a tree. He set his dogs in a circle around this recumbent person, and went to the local blacksmith to get some chains.

When he returned, he carefully wound the chains around his captive and the tree, being extremely careful not to wake him up, bolted the ends of the chain together, and then called his dogs off and ran to the Laird whose property this area was. He managed to interrupt the Laird during his afternoon nap, and they assembled a large team of soldiers and locals to bring the prisoner in.

Once they got to the tree however, they found that the figure had awakened, and managed to wriggle out of the bonds. He had left the area, with the chains still around the tree.

The Laird turned to Sir Gavin and said… “Wee curs of the Weald. You, Knight!. Ye Have nothing. Too loose Butcher chains.”

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