Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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The Bull Whisperer

Category: Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy

This is by Bob Dvorak. I apologize for the previous wrong ascription.


My girlfriend could talk to the animals — and they could talk to her as well (thank you very much, Dr. Doolittle). She used her teacher-child-psych skills in college to carry this capability one step further: By talking to beasts in a soothing fashion, she could actually hypnotize them and offer post-hypnotic behavior modification.

She discovered this quite accidentally one afternoon as a teenager when her family dog, persisting in defending the entire neighborhood, was nearly hit by a car. She taught him the limits of the property and explained that the limits of the property were not only all that he had to defend, but, additionally, that he shouldn’t stray beyond the boundaries.

Word got out about her skills, and all kinds of people with all types of pets came to her for behavior modification.

One day, a local dairy farmer asked her to tame his prize-winning bull. This was a special bovine because its offspring were superior milk producers. At the same time, getting this bull to calm down enough for even three farmhands to lead him into the mating pasture made the farmer frequently wonder if it was worth the trouble. So he asked my girlfriend if she could administer some post-hypnotic suggestion about tranquility and the rewards of that pasture.

My girlfriend gently approached the bull, talking quietly to him all the time. But he snorted and ran and shook his head and generally refused to hear anything she was saying. After several hours of this, she had to admit defeat, went to the farmer, gave him his money back, and explained that apparently this particular animal had such trepidation, nay, downright fear, of listening to her, that it wasn’t going to work.

All would have been well, except that my girlfriend was so traumatized by the loss of her power (such failure had never happened before) that it actually damaged her ability. She could no longer concentrate on the animal at hand, couldn’t begin to hypnotize it, and couldn’t understand what they were saying any more. So she had to give it up.

‘Twas the super cattle, ‘fraid to listen, hexed my gal’s hypnosis.

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