All posts tagged Tom Vickery

Men Have Better Friends

Proof That Men Have Better Friends
This is from Bro. Tom Vickery.

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend’s house.
The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The … Read the rest...

Now that I’m Older…

Another list of wisdom from Bro Tom Vickery. He’s my age, BTW; or is it visa versa?

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is … Read the rest...

Golf is Good for Italian Men

From Brother Tom Vickery.

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”

“I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”

“Well”, … Read the rest...

It’s a Mythunderstanding

Tom Vickery sent this little visual treat around via email. The original source is unknown.

The book, “Understanding Women” is now out in paperback.

Understanding WomenRead the rest...

Ya Gotta Trust Your Husband!

Words of advice and wisdom from Bro Tom Vickery.

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example…

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she … Read the rest...

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

This is from Brother Tom Vickery. It has an ancient flavor to it, but it was missing from the collection.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church … Read the rest...

What Was That Word?

This was forwarded by Bro. Tom Vickery. It is not too new, but certainly deserves to be added to the collection. Thanks, Tom.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if … Read the rest...

The Evolution in Teaching Math Since the 1950s

This is from Bro. Tom Vickery.

1. Teaching Math In the 1950s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In the 1960s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In the 1970s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His … Read the rest...

Should You Remarry After a Spouse’s Death?

This is from bro Tom Vickery. The whole concept makes me a little uneasy.

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.

Sheila and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually … Read the rest...


Another from Bro Tom Vickery.

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a frozen box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put them in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did.

The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen to her if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over … Read the rest...

North Carolina Good Ole Boy

A venerable tale from Tom Vickery. He’s on a roll, lately.

A good ole boy from North Carolina had heard that there are many beautiful coeds in Boston, and he had heard that Harvard was located there. So, he took off and headed to Boston.

Shore ‘nuf, he met a pretty young thing at a bar in Boston and asked her, “Do you go to Harvard?”

The girl responded, “Yale.”

“Okay, DO YOU GO TO HARVARD?”… Read the rest...

UPS Airlines

From Tom Vickery

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it … Read the rest...

Murphy’s Lesser Known Dictums…

This was sent by Tom Vickery. These maxims explain a lot, at least for the cynics.

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% … Read the rest...

Airport Security Solution

Sent by Tom Vickery.

Here is a possible solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you .

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling, and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.

Case Closed!… Read the rest...

Glorious ‘Highlights’ of the English Language…

These wonderful insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Thanks to Tom Vickery for this listing. Bill Pardue has also sent versions of this collection.

The famous exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”

He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable … Read the rest...

California Locals and the Oakland Raiders — How They Really Feel

This is from Bro Tom Vickery. I do seem to remember similar screeds about the Houston Oilers (remember?), and the Houston Texans. I am also old enough to remember when the Raiders were good.

California Law: The California Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into the Bay Area.

For the first offense, they give you two Raiders tickets.

If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around … Read the rest...

Code Cracked

A tale of transition of power from Tom Vickery.

After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So, recently when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:


This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived … Read the rest...

Cussing at Work

Sent by Tom Vickery.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative … Read the rest...

For Golfers Only

Golfing wisdom sent by Tom Vickery.

For Golfers Only…..Others just won’t understand !!

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting … Read the rest...


This is from Tom Vickery who opines it should make all us grandparents feel warm and fuzzy.  Humpf!

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.  Then she says excitedly, “Grandpa, Grandpa… as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“WHAT?” asked her Grandpa.  “Why do you want me to do … Read the rest...

Irish Bean Soup

This bit of education comes from Bro Tom Vickery.

I was sitting next to a priest in a pub in Boston having Irish bean soup and raving about how great it tasted…when he offered that “the Irish have a strict rule that this soup have no more than 239 beans per serving.’

I ASKED,  “Why this strict rule?”

And in his finest Irish tongue he said, “If we added just one more bean it would be too farty.”… Read the rest...

The Perfect Man

From Bro Tom Vickery

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the taxi-driver says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank Feldman.”


“Frank Feldman. He’s a bloke who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

“There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Not Frank Feldman. He was a … Read the rest...

Tools and Their Real Uses

Sent by bro Tom Vickery.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands, so it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly stained, heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time … Read the rest...

Upgrading to Husband 1.0: Tech Support

This edition of the War Between the Sexes came from Bro Tom Vickery.

Dear Tech Support,

??Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
       • Romance 9.5
       • Personal Attention 6.5
       • and Routine Shower and Shave 3.6

Then it installed undesirable programs, such as:… Read the rest...

Humor for Lexophiles (Word Lovers)

Pharmacy Bro Tom Vickery says, “This is especially for you Alan.” Now why would he go and say that?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat … Read the rest...