All posts tagged Texas

Texas Sheriff Exam

This is from classmate Sonya. It ended up a lot sweeter than I thought it might.

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working — in a West Texas Sheriff’s Department.

After a series of … Read the rest...

Testicular Pain

Another of those “Abuse them Texans” stories.

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn … Read the rest...

East Texas Etiquette

From Shayne Gad.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still
Rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

1. When decanting wine, make … Read the rest...

Washing Instructions

This is from one of my students, Linda Therrio. In the deep and all-important world of college football, this IS the week for such stories.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Texas A & M.”

And they say blondes are dumb.… Read the rest...

A Fine Establishment

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional. “But,” said the guy from Tech, “I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There’s one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th.”

The Longhorn said “Well, … Read the rest...

Shaggy Message

Irregular Webcomic! is by David Morgan-Mar. Occasionally, he includes wonderful puns.

This work is copyrighted and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported Licence by David Morgan-Mar. It was originally published on August 10, 2003.

It's a Tex-Mexage.Read the rest...

How It All Turned Out (Long)

By Alan B. Combs. I have several times commented that I work in the Stadium Office during U. Texas home football games for minimum wage and the war stories. This is one of my favorites.

In November 2001 I posted the following tale (alt.callahans) about my nomination for the annual Darwin Awards. Several folks corrected me in that the perp actually survived the episode, and therefore, by definition, was not eligible.

The Daily Fishwrapper posted the results from the trial. … Read the rest...

The Talking Horse

From the groaners listserv, a tall horse tail.

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.… Read the rest...

Texas Wisdom

From Bill Pardue.

An old prospector shuffled into the town of Denton, Texas, leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle … Read the rest...

A Tough Choice

The author of this is unknown.

A student from Texas A&M, a student from The University of Texas, and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his firstborn. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.

“Good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig,” she announced. “Despite the electrical outage, two healthy young boys and one healthy piglet have been … Read the rest...

Variations on “The Eyes of Texas”

This was my presentation for the 2008 O. Henry Punoff. It has been evolving over several years. I liked it. The judges didn’t, not at all.

Here at The University, the school song is “The Eyes of Texas.” It is vaguely reminiscent of “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”, but with much deeper meaning and sincerity, of course.

My schtick works pretty well as an audience participation Call-and-Answer. I suggest the premise for the variant, and the audience comes back … Read the rest...

Shaggy Longhorn

My own humble effort at a shaggy dog.

A year ago, Darrell K Royal – Texas Memorial Stadium (DKR-TMS), the football stadium for the Texas Longhorns, switched from Bermuda grass to FieldTurf, the latest version of artificial grass. FieldTurf is an interesting combination of silica sand and rubber. It provides durability while having the “give” of normal grass, improving safety for the players, and is being put into stadiums around the country.

This is just the latest turf change at … Read the rest...

Snake Tale

by Alan B. Combs

As Jim Ryan attests, sometimes the more interesting stories really do
happen. I have added my toxicology students to this mailing, and the
article about snakes is, hereby, promoted from enrichment to required.

Tuesday everning, 10:30 PM, Kyle, Texas.

I went out about an hour ago to drop bills into the mailbox. There
was a very suspicious-looking, small snake on the walkway on my front
porch. I got a plastic box and trapped him.

My sister-in-law … Read the rest...

Bubba and the Gorilla Problem

This much-traveled tale came from Mel Lett. Endless variants exist.

A small East Texas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted Standen, a Bubba-esque part-time worker, who was responsible … Read the rest...

What All Texans Know

This was forwarded from Shayne Gad. As a transplanted Texas, I can testify that most, if not all, of these are true.

Hey Y’all,

Here’s what all Texans know. If you’re not a real Texan, then you’re in for an education.

Armadillos traditionally sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus

Read the rest...

Cynthia MacGregor’s Roast (May 2006)

By Alan B. Combs.

Cynthia MacGregor is the Punster of the Year (P.O.T.Y.) for 2005- 2006. It is traditional for previous winners to roast the new awardee the night before the O. Henry PunOff.

My part is much more a fan letter than a roast. Clearly, Cynthia MacGregor is not a turkey to be roasted — but, what is she, exactly? That’s what I’ve been thinking about.

I know she is a Miami Dolphin fan, but I would bet she … Read the rest...

Why We Have an Oil Shortage

This version of a tale with an old punchline is from Bro Tom Vickery.

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. You see, the reason for this is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are … Read the rest...

New Living Will Form

Various versions of this useful instrument have been circulating recently. This one was sent by Tom Vickery.

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for any of the … Read the rest...

Post Turtle — Texas Philosophy

I had not heard this where I grew up, but I have heard it a few times lately. This version is from Jim Ryan. Thanks to him (and the others).

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to former Texas Governor George W. Bush and his elevation to the White … Read the rest...

Texas Medley

Thanks to Bill Pardue for sending this.


Note: If you are not a resident of TEXAS or never have lived in the hot, humid South, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!

-Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
-Please keep it cool in mid-July.

-Bless the walls where termites dine,
-While ants and roaches march in time.

-Bless our yard where spiders pass
-Fire ant castles in the grass.

-Bless the garage, a home

Read the rest...

George W. Bush’s Position on Roe vs. Wade

This is still reverberating around the internet, and I am already behind the curve in sending it out. I thank all those that sent it to me.

What is George W. Bush’s Position on Roe vs. Wade?

He doesn’t really care how the people got out of New Orleans.

Howell Gwin added the variant,

Or, as the Teasip said, “Two ways to cross the Brazos.”… Read the rest...


Bruce Noname started this cascade on the groaners listserv. It was carried on in PUNY.

A True story:

I used to work for T.I. in Houston. Once a young programmer fellow from the Bedford, England came to do some consulting. He was a nice enough guy, but very stiff and proper.

On his last day before returning to G.B., I took him to lunch at a Luby’s Cafeteria. While waiting in line, I told him that before he left Texas, … Read the rest...

Texas Dig

An original by rosecatt with additions by the usual suspects.

Professor Thornwankle was excited. He and his archaeology students had been working for months, tediously sifting sand and excavating a small site deep within a rock outcropping in Eastern Texas. It was a Clovis-period site and many interesting artifacts had been discovered.

The most fascinating discovery was what appeared to be a long extinct primative colony of large marsupials. Curiously, such marsupials had never before been documented in Texas but … Read the rest...

Texas Travelogue

Mel Lett keeps on sending this excellent material.

Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck — pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. “Hey pal, what’s the matter?” Chuck asked.

“Oh, man — I’ve been transferred to Texas,” the other guy answered, “there’s crazy people in Texas –and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate…”

“Hold on,” Chuck interrupted, “I’ve … Read the rest...

Know Your State Motto

This was sent to me by Charlie Pfister, one of my original pharmacy Bro’s. The original source is unknown.

Can anyone remember when California had a motto on the license plate? We did, at one time. I think New Hampshire may still have, “Live Free or Die.” Here’s another California “motto” among all the rest of the states. Too bad that most of them are too long to put on the license plate.

Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity.


Read the rest...