All posts tagged Stan Kegel

Stan Kegel

Stan Kegel M.D. is a pediatrician in Orange County, California, and more importantly, the creator of the “Profusions of Puns, Gaggles of Groaners” listserv. He was named 2000 Punster of the Year.

Halloween Riddles Part 3

Continuing the Halloween Riddles.

Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
     Their bats flew away (Gary Hallock)

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
     A dead ringer.

What do you call two witches living together?

What would you find on a haunted beach?
     A sand witch.

Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
     He wants to use them later for cold cuts!

How do ghosts begin letters?
     “Tomb it may concern”… Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 2

These are from the groaners listserv.

Why did the skeleton go to the hospital ?

To have his ghoul stones removed !

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain ?

He could feel it in his bones !

What do you call a skeleton who won’t get up in the mornings ?

Lazy bones !

What do boney people use to get into their homes ?

Skeleton keys !

What happened to the boat that sank in … Read the rest...

A Feline Soliloquy

This was posted by Stan Kegel in the groaners listserv.

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether  tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock s bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner … Read the rest...

West Point

This is a pun cascade from many of the folks at P.U.N.Y.

From our vantage overlooking the Hudson at West Point, we could see, near the top of a hill on the other side, a castle [purportedly] used in the filming of The Wizard of Oz, complete with a moat. Apparently it won’t be used in future productions. It’s been demoated.

Bob Dvorak

If the castle is not being used, we should consider the ditch around it to be moot.… Read the rest...

Another Obituary

This is by Stan Kegel.

Los Angeles Times, 02/17/02:

Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in creating large animals for meat production.

Dr. Beraid’s death occurred during the development of a hog weighing over two tons. Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to carry out the mundane daily tasks of caring for this brute, who looked remarkably like Jabba the Hut.

One of the complicating factors in caring for this beast was his terrible bad … Read the rest...

Cartoon Laws of Physics

These helpful explanations of what we see on TV were posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.

Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II

Any body in motion … Read the rest...

Puns On The Animal Kingdom

This is a recent series of puns on the PUNY listserv.

What’s a large animal that, when it walks back and forth, back and forth, and makes you very sleepy to look at it?
A hypnopotamus!

Cyn (MacGregor)
= = = = =

What greeting in a nudest camp makes you think of an animal?
A Buff Hello

Stan (Kegel)
= = = = =

Q: What does the father Buff Hello say when he drops his kid off at … Read the rest...

The Ten Year Reunions

Posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. As Garfield says….

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View … Read the rest...

Time For Anger

“Time for Anger” from “The Ants Are My Friends” by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel (©2007 Marion Street Press) “Rock of ages, cleft for me. Let me hide myself in thee” from “Rock of Ages” by Thomas Hastings and Augustus M. Topland.

Herman was afflicted with an explosive personality that caused him more and more problems at home and on the job. Finally, his distressed family persuaded him to enter an anger-management course.

Herman’s therapy included an alarm clock on … Read the rest...

Gooder English

There have been several versions of this listing on the internet. This is among the more complete ones. Stan Kegel posted it on the groaners listserv.

A negative concept cannot be formed by two positives. Yeah, right.

A writer must not shift your point of view.

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

Always pick on the correct idiom.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

And always be sure to finish what

Read the rest...

The Hunter

Posted by Stan Kegel in groaners listserv.

My brother, David, who lives in Maine, tells this story.

Several years ago David owned a roan stallion he had trained to hunt moose. His stallion could smell moose at least a mile away. Of course, many people make similar claims. Most, who have been near enough to notice, agree that moose do have a distinctive odor.

When moose season arrived, David would saddle up the roan and ride off into the woods. … Read the rest...

The Inflatable Student

Posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv, this contains admonitions we’ve all heard.

An inflatable student goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in history lesson, he gets up and walks out.

Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again, “I hate school,” and pulls his knife … Read the rest...

*A Gem of A Romance

From Stan Kegel and Richard Lederer.

Once upon a slime, a girl ghoul fell in love with a mummy. Alas, the girl ghoul did not know much about the proper care of mummies, and in a couple of weeks the mummy began to unravel and disintegrated. Which just goes to prove that a ghoul and her mummy are soon parted.

Then the ghoul fell in love with a little devil, who turned out to be a loving and generous sweetheart. … Read the rest...

The Human Stain

A recent offering from Stan Kegel and Richard Lederer’s book.

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were having dinner at an expensive New York restaurant. It was the place to be seen and both had dressed for the occasion. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred wore his smartest morning suit. But the evening was marred when the waiter bringing their desserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge.

“I’m terribly sorry,” … Read the rest...

The Incan Idol

From Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.

In 1873, a team of German explorers and their three dogs decided to penetrate the heart of the South American jungle. After twelve years, they had set up a fort in an Incan town, the centerpiece of which was a large idol with a huge ruby for an eye.

The German church had sent out their best man, Friar Wilhelm Werks three times to check on the progress of the fort, and each … Read the rest...

The Concession Stand

By Lee Daniel Quinn and Stan Kegel.

Dora Evans made a nice living running her mobile concession truck. She would find out where the local movie company was shooting on location and park her truck, which she called simply The Box, near-by.

Technicians and actors alike would stop by for some pastry and coffee during breaks from shooting. This was the day that the director was shooting the most important scene in the movie. In this scene the lovers walking … Read the rest...

The Craziest Language

Stan Kegel posted this to the groaners listserv. It is a nice accompaniment for the previous offering “English is Tough Stuff”. Yes. It is.

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is goose, but two are called geese.
Yet the plural of moose, should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest of mice.
But the plural of house is

Read the rest...

The Flighty Mare

Posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.

Jake Styles had just bought a farmhouse in the country, barn and all. “Great!” he thought “now I can get that horse I have always wanted!” So he goes down the road to Farmer Ben’s house, and tells him he wants to buy a horse.

“Well, I only have one mare right now, and she’s kind of flighty.”

“I don’t care!” Jake says “I think she’s beautiful!”

So Jake buys the horse, … Read the rest...

King of Siam

I think this improbable story is old, but there certainly are modern elements added to it. Stan Kegel posted it on the shaggydog listserve. It reminds me that no head shall be higher than the King’s.

Be it known that in the ancient Kingdom of Siam a most ingenious method was employed in the selection of a ruler. It was not only a marvelous system but, in a sense, a democratic one. The old King died, and a new one … Read the rest...

The Shabbat Goy

By Bob Levi, followed by explanatory and helpful conversation.

In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbat.

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew’s bar mitzvah. But he didn’t want to miss the rabbi’s sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to … Read the rest...

A Mathematical Limerick

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. Other mathematical limericks exist (see Google), but this is one of the most straightforward.

Can you figure out this mathematical limerick?


12 + 144 + 20 + (3 x √4)      + (5 X 11) =     92     +   0


It reads as follows:

A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
      Divided by seven
      Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared,
Read the rest...

Albert the Moth

This very shaggy story was sent to the shaggydog listserv by Stan Kegel. He also sent a different tale with a similar punchline (see below).

Back in P.E.I. [a small Canadian province], where I was raised, there are few sporting heroes; Rick Vaive used to be one, but then he joined the Leafs [a hockey team]. In any event, whatever happens to the rest of her heroes, the tale of Albert the Moth, from Alberton P. E.I., will long live … Read the rest...

Medical Use of Marijuana

Here is a new one by Stan Kegel. I am not in sympathy with the Feds who are not in sympathy with terminal cancer patients.

I live in a retirement community where the units are right up next to each other and there is little greenery except near the pool and recreational area. Each unit does have a three by six foot patch where each can grow flowers of his own choosing and it makes the area much warmer and … Read the rest...


A new tale by Stan Kegel. Rejoice!

Are you bewildered by the fluctuations in the stock market. If so, you are not alone. The answer is really simple. The market has nothing to do with the profitability of a firm. It has only to do with the expectations of investors as to what future profitability might be.

Take the meteoric rise and abrupt fall in Merck stock recently. As you probably know Merck is an old established chemical and drug … Read the rest...

Baseball Is a Simple Game

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. I think it is very old. With the Whirled Series, however, it is forever young.

Baseball is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that’s in sends players out, one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn’t count. If they get in before … Read the rest...