All posts tagged Stan Kegel

Stan Kegel

Stan Kegel M.D. is a pediatrician in Orange County, California, and more importantly, the creator of the “Profusions of Puns, Gaggles of Groaners” listserv. He was named 2000 Punster of the Year.

A Graduate Student Haggadah

Posted on Puns@yahoogroups.com, by Stan Kegel. The Haggadah is the text of the ceremony perfomed at the start of every Passover Sedar dinner. The author of this fantasy/satire is by an unknown graduate student working on his Ph.D.

A GRADUATE STUDENT HAGGADAH

Leader: Welcome to the Graduate student Seder. Every year we gather together to tell the story of our forefathers’ liberation from graduate school.

Participant: Retelling the story of our time in graduate school is a sacred duty. Even … Read the rest...

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by on March 25, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 25, 2013

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-graduate-student-haggadah/

What a Way to Go

This has the flavor of an older tale. Stan Kegel posted it on the Puns and the Shaggy Dog Yahoogroups.

There are two guys in a bar.

One says, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”

“Whoa, what the heck happened to him?” asks the other guy.

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom — He hit the curb, … Read the rest...

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by on October 7, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy, Shaggydog listserv
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 7, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/what-a-way-to-go/

Brothel Sues Church (Adult Content)

Stan Kegel recently posted this to the Puns at Yahoo group. I do think it is an older tale, one that speaks too well to our human condition.

Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before … Read the rest...

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by on July 25, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Adult Theme, Shaggy Dogs
Tagged , , , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 25, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/brothel-sues-church-adult-content/

A Dangerous Foe

The first in a series of celebrity name puns being spread around by Stan Kegel.

William Dafoe - William Dafriend… Read the rest...

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by on July 18, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Picture Pun, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Brian P. Combs on July 18, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-dangerous-foe/

Mother Quotes

These are from Stan Kegel on Yahoo puns.

– PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”

– MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”

– MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

– HUMPTY DUMPTY’S … Read the rest...

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by on May 13, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns, Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G
Tagged , , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on May 13, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/mother-quotes/

Helping Men Survive Valentine’s Day

More helpful advice from Stan Kegel.

Men often have a difficult time figuring out what to do on Valentine’s Day — and if they expect to get any …uh, make the women in their lives happy, they need to know the basics. Here it is, guys, hours before you need it — that’s plenty of time.

Step One: Remember. The minimum requirement is to let the woman know you care. The least expensive way is to look at her — … Read the rest...

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by on February 13, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Rated G
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 13, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/helping-men-survive-valentines-day/

If You Carrot All For Me

This nutritious Valentine comes from Stan Kegel.

IF YOU CARROT ALL FOR ME

Cabbage always has a heart;

Green beans string along.

You’re such a Tomato,

Will you Peas to me belong?

You’ve been the Apple of my eye,

You know how much I care;

So Lettuce get together,

We’d make a perfect Pear.

Now, something’s sure to Turnip,

To prove you can’t be Beet;

So, if you Carrot all for me

Let’s let our Tulips meet.

Don’t Squash my

… Read the rest...
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by on February 12, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns, Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 12, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/if-you-carrot-all-for-me/

English Ain’t Easy

This was published by Stan Kegel on puns@yahoo.com. It is an excellent companion piece to “The Craziest Language” and “Why is English the Lingua Franca? (aka English is Tough Stuff)”, both of which are in this collection.

So, you think English is easy, huh? Read out loud to the end and see if you still think so.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that … Read the rest...

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by on December 1, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on December 1, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/english-aint-easy/

The Thanksgiving Turkey

Stan Kegel sent this seasonal contribution.

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air;
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom;
Then splattered all over the kitchen
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor;
There was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there’d never been turkey before.

It blanketed every … Read the rest...

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by on November 21, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 21, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-thanksgiving-turkey/

Space Opera

This tale is from the Richard Lederer and Stan Kegel book mentioned below.

It’s a long, long time from now, and machines have developed into sentient beings. Starting with the high-tech space stuff, a whole new set of different mechanistic species have come into existence. The machines are not only sentient; they are alive in other ways as well. They even produce offspring and evolve.

At first, it was just the super high-tech orbiting stuff that achieved self-awareness, but soon … Read the rest...

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by on October 14, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 14, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/space-opera/

The Magic Well

This gentle tale was posted by Stan Kegel on puns@yahoo.com.

A woman had a magic well.

She would put her pail on the edge of the well and clap her hands and the well would dispense a measured amount of water into the pail. The only problem was that the well would never give out the same amount of water.

This distressed the woman and she decided that she would consult the neighborhood priest.

She showed the priest the problem … Read the rest...

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by on September 18, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on September 18, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-magic-well/

Surgeons at a Convention

This is was posted by Stan Kegel on puns@yahoogroups.com. Somehow it never seems to get old.

Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and making jokes.

The first, a Florida surgeon, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.”

The third, a California surgeon, says: “No, … Read the rest...

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by on August 16, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns, Rated PG-13
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on August 16, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/surgeons-at-a-convention/

The New Job

This was posted by Stan Kegel on puns@yahoogroups.com.

A man walked into a temporary agency looking for some work.

“Here, fill these forms out and bring them back to me when you’re done,” the office administrator said.

The man finished the forms and brought them back to the administrator. “Very good,” she said as she looked them over. “We actually have a job for you,” she added. “It just came in. It’s at the library.”

“Great,” the man said. “When … Read the rest...

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by on July 6, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 6, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-new-job/

Ordeal of Sir Galahad

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.

When knighthood was in flower and power and young gallants wassailed around King Arthur’s round table, it was their wont to keep in practice by rescuing damsels from dragons and other beasts, human or otherwise.

When they has saved all the maidens worth saving, they went to seek other adventures such as heading east to find the Holy Grail.

Of all the incredible tales now told of those days, none … Read the rest...

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by on March 29, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 29, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/ordeal-of-sir-galahad/

Lip Service

*From Stan Kegel and Richard Lederer’s recent book.

A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character, and presentation, was suffering from an illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a medication prescribed by her physician.

The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications … Read the rest...

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by on February 27, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Rated G
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Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 27, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/lip-service/

*Time for Anger

Posted on the groaners listserv by Stan Kegel.

Herman was afflicted with an explosive personality that caused him more and more problems at home and on the job. Finally, his distressed family persuaded him to enter an anger-management course.

Herman’s therapy included an alarm clock on his bedroom table that was tuned in to his brain by electronic pulses. Every time Herman flew into a tantrum, the clock would explode into a loud and irritating ring that wouldn‚t stop until … Read the rest...

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by on January 30, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 30, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/time-for-anger-2/

The Land That Made Me, Me

Posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread … Read the rest...

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by on January 7, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Current Events, Lists, Poetry, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 7, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-land-that-made-me-me/

Pierogi

Stan Kegel posted this tale of married life on the groaners listserv.

*Pierogi (aka perogi, or pirogi)

An elderly pious Jew lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of Impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, … Read the rest...

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by on January 3, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Rated G
Tagged , , , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 3, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/pierogi/

Cosmetic Surgery

This quickie was prompted by a query from Stan Kegel.

Mary was a happy lamb, with fleece as white as snow. But as she got older, she became more and more depressed because of an increasingly objectionable cosmetic defect in her ears. They were becoming more and more Droopy (can you imagine dog-like ears?).

Finally, Mary discovered the way Doberman Pinschesr had their ears trained to stand up, instead of drooping. This treatment occasionally includes surgery and taping the ears … Read the rest...

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by on January 2, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged , , , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 2, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/cosmetic-surgery/

Texting for Seniors

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. Why are these things seemingly so pertinent these days?

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Seniors’ Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you!

SENIOR TEXTING CODE

AFT: Another Funeral Today

ATD: At the Doctor’s

B2N: Bingo Tonight?

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM:

… Read the rest...
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by on December 29, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Lists, Puns, Rated G
Tagged , , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on December 29, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/texting-for-seniors/

Current Events — Interage Marriage

This ia a pun cascade from P.U.N.Y.

Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner Engaged to 24-Year-Old

The 84-year-old announces his engagement to model Crystal
Harris on Twitter.

The above – seriously! – is from today’s news.

I can guess what wedding gifts they’ll exchange: She’ll give
him an Erector set, and he’ll give her a do-it-yourself kit.

Charles Wukash

A bunny thing happened on the way to the nursing home.

Gary Hallock

I thought young gal would play boy, man shun.

Chris … Read the rest...

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by on December 29, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in P.U.N.Y. listserv, Pun Cascade, Puns, Rated PG
Tagged , , , , , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on December 29, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/current-events-interage-marriage/

Snow White

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. It sticks in my mind that I had a version of this one, but I cannot find any documentation of such.

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.

“How long before they’re ready?” Snow asked the clerk.

He informed her … Read the rest...

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by on November 29, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 29, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/snow-white/

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

This was posted by Stan Kegel onto the groaners listserv.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift … Read the rest...

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by on November 25, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 25, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/thanksgiving-weather-forecast/

The Thanksgiving Riddles

Spanking clean riddles for Thanksgiving. Yea. These were posted by Stan Kegel on several of his listservs.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A Turkey.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such fowl … Read the rest...

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by on November 22, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 22, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-thanksgiving-riddles/

A PUNY Thanksgiving Dictionary

A seasonal offering from the PUNY listserv.

A yam: First person singular present of “to be” as in, “A yam very happy that everyone was able to be here tonight” (Cynthia MacGregor)

Breast: The part of the bird little kids love to ask for because they’re getting away with saying one of “those” words without getting punished for it (Cynthia MacGregor)

Brussels Sprouts: Das Kindergartners (in my best fractured pseudoFlemish) (Bob Dvorak)

Candied Yams: Descartes telling it like it is… … Read the rest...

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by on November 20, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in P.U.N.Y. listserv, Pun Cascade, Puns, Rated G
Tagged , , , , , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 20, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-puny-thanksgiving-dictionary/

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