All posts tagged Sex

Communication Gap

As is the case of so many of these, this is from the groaners listserv.

.       HER DIARY:

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so … Read the rest...

An Effective Comeback

I think this tale from the genera of blistering combacks is old. I remember it, but cannot find it in the archives. Thanks to Bill Pardue for this version.

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, … Read the rest...

The Wise Bride

Another one told me by Mel Lett. Way back when.

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, and such.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very … Read the rest...

A Fine Establishment

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional. “But,” said the guy from Tech, “I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There’s one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th.”

The Longhorn said “Well, … Read the rest...

Math Lesson II

As is the case with Math Lesson I, this came from Mel Lett. The author is not known.

A wife came home one day to find a letter saying the following:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly

Read the rest...

Giving Up the Ghost

The author of this is unknown.

A visiting professor at Texas A&M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take … Read the rest...

An Effective Weight Loss Program

This tale has been bouncing on the internet for several years. Oh yes, it is rude, crude, unrefined, and funny. It was originally sent to me by Mel Lett.

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. “Guaranteed. Yeah, right!” he thought to himself. But … Read the rest...

Shaggy Trio

xkcd is a webcomic by Randall Munroe. Sometimes he includes puns that are usually of a mathematical and/or scientific nature.

They can't solve the three-body problem.

This work is copyrighted and is licensed by xkcd under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 Generic Licence.… Read the rest...


Irregular Webcomic! is by David Morgan-Mar. Occasionally, he includes wonderful puns. This one was originally published on January 27, 2007.

Will he respectre in the morning?

This work is copyrighted and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported Licence by David Morgan-Mar.… Read the rest...

A Matter of Appearances

From Lowrie.

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven’t seen each other since Fayetteville High School Days. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She … Read the rest...

Understanding Geriatric Text Messaging

This is from the groaners listserv. As far as I know (AFAIK), these have not yet entered the lexicon, but they do seem so useful and appropriate. I do not know what a Lemon Party is, by the way (BTW). Please, don’t tell me.

DYRS = Do You Remember Sex?

MWIIACWC = My Wife Is In A Coma, Wanna Cyber?

TVKI = The Viagra’s Kicking In

ITAC = Is This A Computer?

GoL = Grandchild on Lap

N911 = Nurse … Read the rest...

Irish Alzheimer’s

This is from Lowrie.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat… I know … Read the rest...

Redneck Vacation

I cherish my good sources. Lowrie is certainly one of these.

 Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.  Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.  I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me … Read the rest...

The Young Woman from Cheboygan

This was from the late and greatly missed Mel Lett.

A young woman in Cheboygan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.

He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, … Read the rest...

The Telemarketer

From: MMi, this was posted on the groaners listserv. Personally, I doubt that it’s possible to be rude enough to telemarketers, but that’s one of my defects I am more proud of.

Yesterday, Mrs. MM and I were in the lounge watching the match between South Africa and France, when the telephone rang, and I went to take it in the bedroom, away from the noise (e. g., vuvuzelas) on TV. Picked up the receiver, said, “Hello,” and a voce … Read the rest...

Outsmart a Woman?

This wicked and disturbing little tale was forwarded by my niece, Cinia Marie.

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We ‘ll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend?”

“And also would you get … Read the rest...

Lowely Shaggy Dog

Irregular Webcomic! is by David Morgan-Mar. Occasionally, he includes wonderful puns. This was originally published on January 20, 2004.

He was just a giga-Lowe.

This work is copyrighted and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported Licence by David Morgan-Mar.… Read the rest...

Video: O. Henry Pun-Off, Eirik Ott

Eirik Ott competes in the Punniest of Show portion of the 2010 O. Henry Pun-Off. His entry punned on Harry Potter titles being used for pornographic movies. It was very funny.

Read the rest...

The Survival Guide for Horror Movie Characters (The Canonical List)

From the groaners listserv. Clearly, someone has seen way too many monster movies.

1) When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if its really dead.

2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

3) Never read … Read the rest...

You’re Doing It Wrong

The author of this is unknown.

The class in Animal Husbandry at A&M was studying reproduction. As a project, the professor assigned three students to take a bull to a nearby farm to service a cow there.

Hours passed, and the students had not returned.

More hours passed, and still the students had not reported back. The worried prof went to the barn. The bull was in the stall; the three Aggies were lying on the ground, battered and bruised, … Read the rest...

Morning Sex

This little episode of the continuing battle of the sexes is from Cousin Roger.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,” You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be … Read the rest...

An Italian Confession

From Bill Pardue.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rome , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father, I have sinned.  During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful … Read the rest...

Limerick Challenge No. 27

Cynthia MacGregor is the moderator for a punsters weekly limerick challenge. She says, “Your challenge for Lim-ber Your Mind #27 was: Write a limerick whose first line is:

“If happiness you are pursuing”

The entries:

If happiness you are pursuing,
Try to willing maid be a-wooing,
But hedge wedding bet,
A prenuptial get,
To help when ex-wife comes a-suing.

—-Chris Papa

If happiness you are pursuing
But your spouse has threatened her suing
Don’t run and hide
To choose a … Read the rest...

The Lady Lawyer Golfer

We can always count on Lowrie Beacham to come through with these things.

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then, one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t quite the same without him.

A new lawyer, a woman, joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the … Read the rest...

The Hardware Store

From the late, beloved Mel Lett. I am slowly moving his better material to this site.

This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store……….

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary Louise, to the hardware store to get one. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on the top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob the manager to … Read the rest...