All posts tagged Scarlett Herzele

Ireland Can Be a Small World

This was forwarded by Ms. Scarlett.

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.’

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, sure an’ I am!”

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So am … Read the rest...

Stimulus Package

From Charlotte Herzele.

Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China.  Your … Read the rest...

Subject: A Boston Fish Tale

From Jonathan Gordon, the spouse that hasn’t fallen far from Miss Scarlet’s daughter. The original times and sources are unknown.

A guy gets into a cab at Logan airport and asks the cabbie, “Hey, do you know where I can get scrod around here?”

The cabbie says, “Yeah, but I never heard it in the past pluperfect before!”… Read the rest...

Limerick Challenge No. 27

Cynthia MacGregor is the moderator for a punsters weekly limerick challenge. She says, “Your challenge for Lim-ber Your Mind #27 was: Write a limerick whose first line is:

“If happiness you are pursuing”

The entries:

If happiness you are pursuing,
Try to willing maid be a-wooing,
But hedge wedding bet,
A prenuptial get,
To help when ex-wife comes a-suing.

—-Chris Papa

If happiness you are pursuing
But your spouse has threatened her suing
Don’t run and hide
To choose a … Read the rest...

Women and Men — Apples and Wine

Ms. Charlotte sent this one. Versions are all over the internet.

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.? Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have … Read the rest...

One Liners

These were forwarded by Ms. Scarlett. Several I have not scene before.


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break up … Read the rest...

To The Memory of Johnny Carson

Ms. Scarlett forwarded these words of wisdom.

“What Democracy Means to Me” by Johnny Carson

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation.

Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice-president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of

Read the rest...

Short Takes

This collection comes from Ms. Scarlett, my pun mistdress. For some reason, she says I deserve it. “Something old, something new. . .” Some we’ve seen before.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks … Read the rest...

Code Blew

This pun cascade was recently posted to PUNY.

A man was brought into an emergency room grasping his foot and screming that he was having chest pains. The nurse asked him “If your having chest pains why are you holding your foot?”

The man replied, “Because that’s what I dropped the chest on!”


A well-endowed woman was brought into the emergency room with a man’s shoe firmly lodged in her cleavage.

The nurse asked her, “What happened to you?”… Read the rest...

An Arrowing Experience

By Bob Dvorak with addenda by Miss Scarlett and Chris Cole

Randy had seen one too many movies. A bow and arrow was a cool weapon. He decided to try to make some arrows.

He found some oak dowels; a local fabric store provided decorative feathers; and, for his first effort, a push-pin provided a weighted tip.

His friend Tommy had a bow-and-arrow set, so he went to Tommy’s to try out his creation. Unfortunately, when he set it against … Read the rest...

Texas Dig

An original by rosecatt with additions by the usual suspects.

Professor Thornwankle was excited. He and his archaeology students had been working for months, tediously sifting sand and excavating a small site deep within a rock outcropping in Eastern Texas. It was a Clovis-period site and many interesting artifacts had been discovered.

The most fascinating discovery was what appeared to be a long extinct primative colony of large marsupials. Curiously, such marsupials had never before been documented in Texas but … Read the rest...

Charlie & the Chocolate Factory

This is by Ms. Scarlett’s son-in-law Jon Gordon.

We were watching the new Charlie & the Chocolate Factory movie the other day. Early in the film, we are told how an Indian prince asks Willy Wonka to build him a palace out of chocolate. Predictably, on the first hot day, the palace begins to melt, at which point the screen shows an image of a statue of the Hindu elephant god becoming a bit runny. At this point, I turned … Read the rest...

Raising Martyrs

This came from Ms. Scarlett. The author is unknown.

Abdul and Mohammed were discussing their children in a cafe in downtown Bagdad. Abdul pulls out his wallet and shows Mohammed pictures of his children.

“This is my oldest son, he is a martyr.”

“And this is my second son, he is also a martyr.”

“Ah, yes,” sighed Mohammed, “They blow up so fast these days”.… Read the rest...


The members of this genus of tale are legion. You have been warned.

There was once an old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their years enjoyed a simple life. Mr. and Mrs. Green were very happy in their country cottage, George’s passion was his vegetable patch, while Martha’s was to cook what her beloved husband grew. A perfect situation.

Now George was especially proud of his cauliflowers. For many years he had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch … Read the rest...

Canine Consorts

By Ms. Charlotte Herzele and Alan B. Combs. This effort arose as a result of one of those altogether too rare face-to-face meetings we had a couple of weeks ago.

One of the abuses society inflicts upon its companion animals is a failure to have these animals neutered. One suggested explanation is the psychological phenomenon of transference. “I wouldn’t like to have THAT done to me, so I just won’t do it to my animals.”

We thought it might be … Read the rest...

Measurements of Interest

From Ms. Scarlett via Ulf Zimmerman. The author is not known.

Here are some engineering equivalents of interest.

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at … Read the rest...

Alaska Bear Hunting

From TJ and Ms. Scarlett. The author is not known.

Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to go bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. As he bent over to start cleaning it, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices… Either I maul you to death or we have sex.” After … Read the rest...

Trying To Lose Weight (A Tale for Our Times)

The syndicated cartoonist, Lynn Johnson, produces a strip called For Better Or For Worse. A good-hearted family cartoon with occasional poignant barbs, it tells the developing story of the Patterson family. As I think about it, one of the things I enjoy most about the series is that the family matures and changes with time. It is not locked in the eternal now as are so many other strips such as “Dagwood”, in which the characters never age or … Read the rest...

How To Lose Two-Hundred Ugly Pounds

By Alan B. Combs with a cascade of help from PUNY.

You probably saw the recent article on one of the news services where a woman stabbed her husband to death, stuffed him into a trash baggie, and threw his carcass into a convenient dumpster.

The jury decided it was a clear case of marital discard.

Bob Dvorak said, “Probably a hatchet job. We’ve all heard of ex murders.”

Gary Hallock added, ” I guess the old maid finally bagged … Read the rest...

The Evil Magician Debush

The author of this tale is not known.

Prince Phillip was a musician of great renown. One day, he was captured by the evil magician Debush and held for torture and ransom. The prince despaired of ever escaping.

One night, one of the magician’s magic stockings came to him. “I am a captive like yourself” the sock declared. “If I help you escape, will you give me my freedom?”

“Yes, certainly,” said the amazed prince. The stocking grew in size … Read the rest...

A Silly Little Whose Zoo

Complete with many uncertain Allieusions, this is by Charlotte Herzele, Miss Scarlett, my unsurpassed Pun Mistress.

I thought that headline said SPAMSCARE. Now, that’s a really scary thought. We must get armour to protect ourselves against scary spam. As if the hams of the world weren’t enough to send us into high burn nation.

So, speaking of burns, there was a big fire at the San Antonio Zoo. I would have said Sand Iego Zoo, but it’s too far away … Read the rest...

High Ride on A Port-A-Potty — With Shaggy Dogs

Charlotte Herzele tell us this pop story was sent by her tennis buddy, Diane Singleton. The author is not known.

Me and the girls (dogs) my packhiking sammies and my min-pin, who could be the first packhiking min-pin ever) have seen some incredible things when we go packhiking. The story is somewhat graphic in nature, so I’ve left a lot of that kind of stuff out. Use your own imagination.

We were hoofing it through the Cleveland metro parks with … Read the rest...

Dental Floss

The author of the first version of the tale is unknown.

On a distant planet, the dominant population was obsessed with dental hygiene due to the fact that they had three complete receding sets of mandibles. They were so concerned with maintaining their teeth, hat the custom was to floss several times a day.

To achieve this goal, they grew a floss plant from which the fibers were extracted to make the necessary product.

Being a scientifically advanced species especially … Read the rest...

Husband Mart

This was forwarded to me by Charlotte Herzele (aka My Pun Mistress). The author is unknown.

A new store named Husband-Mart opened. Husband-Mart is a store where women can go and choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flight of stairs.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that … Read the rest...

Sex Lives of Elderly Men

This shaggy tale came to me from Charlotte Herzele. The author is unknown.

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian gentleman says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate … Read the rest...