From the groaners listserv. Though it wouldn’t work, as such, it’s almost an Aggie Joke.
WASHINGTON, D.C. —
… Read the rest...Hang on to any of the new State of Oklahoma quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U. S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Oklahoma quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
“We are recalling all the new Oklahoma quarters that were recently issued,”
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-oklahoma-quarters/
From the groaners listserv.
In order to hunt elephants:
A Programmer…
Begins at the tip of South Africa
Performs alternating west to east and east to west searches
Decrements the latitude argument in a non integer sequence between each search
Finds an animal
Compares found animal to a known elephant
If found animal matches known elephant terminates search, else Resumes at 3
End
An Experienced Programmer…
… Read the rest...Places an elephant in Cairo, Egypt to ensure that the search will terminate properly
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/elephant-hunting-tactics-of-various-professionals/
This political tale was published on the groaners listserve a few years ago.
George Dubya Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his
brain scan.
The doctor says, “Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First,
we have discovered that your brain has two sides, the left side and
the right side.”
Bush interrupted, “Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? Doesn’t everyone
have two sides to their brain?”
The doctor replied, “Yes, Mr. President, but … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/dubyas-brain-scan/
Or was that pungent comments? This came from Sis-In-Law Marbella.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it. So I said ‘Implants?’ She hit me.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/cogent-comments/
Politically Incorrect, we won’t mention from whom this cometh.
A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing well.
He says Prophets are going through the roof.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-profit-is-not-without-honor/
This shaggy little story is flying around the internet lately.
is 71 years old.
Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage –
She wouldn’t be in Oz…
She’d be in Congress!!!… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/follow-the-shaggy-brick-road/
Irregular Webcomic! is by David Morgan-Mar. Occasionally, he includes wonderful puns. This one was originally published on February 27, 2006.
This work is copyrighted and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported Licence by David Morgan-Mar.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-greek/
From AAA Jokes, this was posted on the groaners listserv.
In addition to the old lines about “The check is in the mail” and “Certainly, I’ll respect you in the morning,” modern events have made for modern lies to take their place among the classics. Following are some of the “new” classics:
… Read the rest...– I never inhaled.
– I never watch television except PBS.
– I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of my wife Nicole and
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/modern-classic-lies/
Irregular Webcomic! is by David Morgan-Mar. Occasionally, he includes wonderful puns. This one was originally published on March 23, 2004.
This work is copyrighted and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported Licence by David Morgan-Mar.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-freedom-fighters/
I think this improbable story is old, but there certainly are modern elements added to it. Stan Kegel posted it on the shaggydog listserve. It reminds me that no head shall be higher than the King’s.
Be it known that in the ancient Kingdom of Siam a most ingenious method was employed in the selection of a ruler. It was not only a marvelous system but, in a sense, a democratic one. The old King died, and a new one … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/king-of-siam/
This was posted on the groaners listserv. What took ‘em so long?
What exactly is a “junk shot?” How about “top kill” or an “undersea plume?” The oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico is introducing the world to all sorts of fascinating words and phrases from the world of Big Oil. Some of them can be a bit confusing, so as a public service to NaturalNews readers, I’ve published a short dictionary that provides the real meaning behind many … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-real-meaning-of-big-oil-terminology/
This is a pun by Ralph D. Jeffords. Thank you, Sir.
It was early one summer that the Royal Bell Ringers were about to prepare for the annual ringing of the bells at Canterbury Cathedral. In celebration of the event Queen Elizabeth I arranged that each person involved be adorned with a celebratory crown made of flowers, twigs and the local cherries that were just now in season.
About this same time, her imprisoned cousin, Mary Queen of Scots, was … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/queen-elizabeth-i/
Stanley Johnson is an environmentalist and former Member of the European Parliament, and father to Boris Johnson, the mayor of London. He spun this brilliant spoonerism when asked once about his political philosophy.
Politics is “the fight against crooks and nannies looking into nooks and crannies.”… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/english-tableware/
A timely little tale I thought of for the British general election. It contains a commonly (re)used punch line.
British prime minister Gordon Brown recently had what many of us would consider a bad week. He had just finished a tense conversation with a Labour Party support who had railed about the economy and immigration to him.
Walking away, he made a common, but unforgivable mistake for a politician; he forgot his mic was on. “That was a disaster … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/feathered-shaggy-dog-redux/
P.J. O’Rourke is one of my favorite writers. Here are some of his shaggiest lines.
A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.
Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
… Read the rest...Earnestness is
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-pjs/
In answer to the question, “Should I write a letter to my Congressman?”
Each Congressman has got two ends,
a sitting and a thinking end,
But since his whole success depends upon his seat,
Why bother friend? … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-immortal-words-of-yip-harburg/
A few years back Mel Lett submitted a list of punish epitaphs. Here are a few more.
Most of these have been floating around the internet as long as there’s been email. The person who put them together originally, and even if they are real, is unknown.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
… Read the rest...The children of Israel wanted
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/more-epitaphs/
The announcement of the acquisition of Palm by HP reminded my friend Paul Groepler of this old tale.
An outgoing Russian premier is asked by the incoming premier for time to spend in order to ‘pick his brain’ about his skill at running the country for so long.
The outgoing premier agrees to a meeting and when the incoming premier shows up, simply hands him two envelopes numbered: 1 and 2.
He tells the incoming premier…open these in order, in … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-inevitable/
From Charlotte Herzele.
Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/stimulus-package/
Thanks to Lowrie for this gem.
Dead Hobo Reporting Glitch Claims Another White House Appointee
WASHINGTON – U.S. Energy Secretary Stephen Chu announced his resignation this morning amid new reports that Alameda County workers had unearthed more than a dozen additional dead hobo bodies at his former home in Berkeley, California. The Nobel Prize-winning physicist had been the subject of a week-long controversy after he amended his White House application form to declare “3 or 4” hobo corpses in his … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/dead-hobo-reporting-glitch/
The author is not known. I will let you decide upon the truth of this tale.
A woman walked into a lingerie shop in Washington D.C. and said she needed to buy a bra. “Certainly, Miss,” said the salesperson. “We stock three kinds: a Democratic bra, a Republican bra, and a Liberal bra. I’m sure one will suit your needs.”
“I never heard of those kinds,” said the confused customer. “What’s the difference?”
The sales clerk explained, “The Democratic bra … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/political-bras/
A tale of transition of power from Tom Vickery.
After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So, recently when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/code-cracked/
A shaggy tale by Terry Morrison.
”Pass me some of that white meat,” bellowed the king.
The man to his left passed the plate of thinly-sliced meat without comment. The king grunted and helped himself to six of the largest slices, heaping them on top of his already well-stocked plate.
The tribesmen drooled in silence as he stuffed the exquisitely-roasted meat into his chubby cheeks, gave it a few obligatory chews to blend it a bit, and washed the entire … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-feast/
From the groaners listserv.
With the onset of the Single European Currency and a generally more integrated Europe, it has been decided by the European Union Commission that a single European language should be adopted. With this in mind a poll was carried out suggesting that German or English would be the preferred single language.
The European Union Commissioners today announced that, after considered debate, an agreement has finally been reached to adopt a single language for the European Union. … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-new-euro-english/
This updated political statement was sent by Bro Tom Vickery.
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/subject-why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road/