All posts tagged Medical

Grandma and the Lottery

This was posted on BWJokes2.

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won $1,000,000 in the lottery. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

“I think we’d better call in the doctor to tell her the news,” suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

“Now, you don’t have to worry about … Read the rest...

Lip Service

*From Stan Kegel and Richard Lederer’s recent book.

A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character, and presentation, was suffering from an illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a medication prescribed by her physician.

The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications … Read the rest...


by Alan B. Combs

It has come to me after conversation with certain members of the PUNY listserv that insomnia is a dysZZZZs.… Read the rest...

Cosmetic Surgery

This quickie was prompted by a query from Stan Kegel.

Mary was a happy lamb, with fleece as white as snow. But as she got older, she became more and more depressed because of an increasingly objectionable cosmetic defect in her ears. They were becoming more and more Droopy (can you imagine dog-like ears?).

Finally, Mary discovered the way Doberman Pinschesr had their ears trained to stand up, instead of drooping. This treatment occasionally includes surgery and taping the ears … Read the rest...

Ethical Behavior for Patients

From the groaners listserv. My father would have greatly appreciated this one. Thanks, Dad.

Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him/her to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he/she can get.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to … Read the rest...

Texting for Seniors

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. Why are these things seemingly so pertinent these days?

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Seniors’ Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you!


AFT: Another Funeral Today

ATD: At the Doctor’s

B2N: Bingo Tonight?

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth


Read the rest...

New Alphabet for the Elderly

This is from bwjokes and the groaners listserv. It does not tell a happy tale.

A’s for arthritis;

B’s the bad back,

C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H high blood pressure–I’d rather it be low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, … Read the rest...

Owl’s Well That Ends Well!

This was posted by Jerry Ulett on the groaners listserv.

One warm afternoon an owl was flying around and needed to rest so he purchased on a window sill. As luck would have it, it was the open window of a hospital where an operation was in progress and the owl got a whiff of the anesthetic, causing him to fall into the building and onto the floor.

The surgery had just ended and the doctor, hearing the sound of … Read the rest...

The Octogenarian

This is from the groaners listserv.

An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.  But one … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 2

These are from the groaners listserv.

Why did the skeleton go to the hospital ?

To have his ghoul stones removed !

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain ?

He could feel it in his bones !

What do you call a skeleton who won’t get up in the mornings ?

Lazy bones !

What do boney people use to get into their homes ?

Skeleton keys !

What happened to the boat that sank in … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 1

From the groaners listserv.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?

So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

His ghoul friend (Clynch Varnadore)

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

To improve his bite

Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?

It had no body to dance with.

Whom did the ghost invite to his party?

Anyone he could dig up.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they

Read the rest...

Welcome to the Mental Health Telephone Helpline

This was posted on the groaners listserv.

Welcome to the Mental Health Telephone Helpline.

Please note that due to a shortage of rooms, today’s Agoraphobia Workshop has been moved to the Picnic Area.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.

If you are in denial, please press

Read the rest...

Little Red Riding Hood

The Little Red Riding Hood premise can lead to several different stories. This one is by Cynthia MacGregor.

Little Red Riding Hood got to her grandmother’s house and didn’t recognize the wolf in Grandma’s clothing, but she knew something was different.

“Why, Grandmother, what big eyes you have,” said Little Red.

“They appear larger because I had an eyelid tuck at a marvelous plastic surgeon on Rodeo Drive,” said the wolf in Grandma’s clothing.

And Little Red believed him because … Read the rest...

A College Reunion

This was a Friday Chuckle by Bob Dvorak.

Four graduates of Hunter College decided to get together for lunch at Carnegie Deli. It was a pleasant enough affair as they caught up on thirty years of family activities.

Sara said, “I’m so proud of my son. David is an investment banker down on Wall St.”

Rachel piped up, “My son Ben is a surgeon at Mt. Sinai.”

Lynn followed with, “My Donna just earned her tenure at Columbia University.”

Heidi … Read the rest...

Dubya’s Brain Scan

This political tale was published on the groaners listserve a few years ago.

George Dubya Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his
brain scan.

The doctor says, “Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First,
we have discovered that your brain has two sides, the left side and
the right side.”

Bush interrupted, “Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? Doesn’t everyone
have two sides to their brain?”

The doctor replied, “Yes, Mr. President, but … Read the rest...

The Aggie Hunters

This tale is from Gill Krebs. I think it may be an old one.

Three Aggie gentlemen, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest.  As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, “We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he’s gonna … Read the rest...

Shaggy Wizard

Irregular Webcomic! is by David Morgan-Mar. Occasionally, he includes wonderful puns. This one was originally published on March 20, 2010.

Yes. They're prone to staff aureus infection.

This work is copyrighted and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported Licence by David Morgan-Mar.… Read the rest...

An Effective Weight Loss Program

This tale has been bouncing on the internet for several years. Oh yes, it is rude, crude, unrefined, and funny. It was originally sent to me by Mel Lett.

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. “Guaranteed. Yeah, right!” he thought to himself. But … Read the rest...

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

This tale is currently bouncing around the internet. Thanks to cousin Jo Ann for this version.

Ever since I was a child I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to … Read the rest...

Just a Little Too Late

The author of this is unknown, but the timing is appropriate as we head back into football season.

“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged Aggie as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”

“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter … Read the rest...

Stupid Questions (a List)

From David Curly to the groaners listserv.

Stupid Questions . . .  The most complete list in one place!

A stitch in time saves nine what?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Afer they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Are female moths called myths?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say

Read the rest...

Time For Anger

“Time for Anger” from “The Ants Are My Friends” by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel (©2007 Marion Street Press) “Rock of ages, cleft for me. Let me hide myself in thee” from “Rock of Ages” by Thomas Hastings and Augustus M. Topland.

Herman was afflicted with an explosive personality that caused him more and more problems at home and on the job. Finally, his distressed family persuaded him to enter an anger-management course.

Herman’s therapy included an alarm clock on … Read the rest...

The Hunters (An Aggie Joke)

This is from Gil Krebs. It wasn’t initially an Aggie Joke, but the slight change seemed so apropos.

Three Aggie gentlemen, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest.  As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, “We got to get Elmer to the hospital … Read the rest...

Understanding Geriatric Text Messaging

This is from the groaners listserv. As far as I know (AFAIK), these have not yet entered the lexicon, but they do seem so useful and appropriate. I do not know what a Lemon Party is, by the way (BTW). Please, don’t tell me.

DYRS = Do You Remember Sex?

MWIIACWC = My Wife Is In A Coma, Wanna Cyber?

TVKI = The Viagra’s Kicking In

ITAC = Is This A Computer?

GoL = Grandchild on Lap

N911 = Nurse … Read the rest...

Windy City (Not Only Chicago)

This variant on a classic theme is by Alejandro Crespi. Thank you, sir!

Frank is an executive with a major Fortune 500 company who makes semi-annual visits to their several regional offices to monitor performance and boost morale. Having just returned from a three week tour of several facilities, he gets home late one evening, showers, has a night cap and goes to bed.

In the morning he awakens feeling refreshed and satisfied with a successful trip, he lies in … Read the rest...