All posts tagged Jo Ann Thomas

A New Gasoline Coupon

Sent in by Jo Ann Thomas.


I didn’t realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers. I have seen them around, but until recently never took advantage of them, I never realized their actual worth.

You probably have one or two just lying around somewhere, now is the time to use them before they lose their value, and it’s too late!!

See coupon below…

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Roping a Deer

Cousin Jo Ann brought this to our attention. Snopes.com says that many of the details about deer behavior appear authentic, but the tale is of undetermined origin. When I was at Davis (CA), the foot behavior was described to me.


I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a … Read the rest...

How to Identify a Meth Lab

This was submitted by Jo Ann Thomas. The original source is unknown.

Read the rest...

The Lie Detector

This is from cousin Jo Ann Thomas. She has a pretty good run going.


John was a salesman’s delight when it came to buying any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, … Read the rest...

The Black Bras

This is from cousin Jo Ann Thomas.


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged … Read the rest...

Success in Life

From cousin Jo Ann Thomas.


Two of the most important attributes for success in life are wisdom and patience. The qualities are exemplified below.
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Read the rest...

Fish Tale

From Jo Ann Thomas


A game warden finds a man at a popular trout fishing spot with two dozen trout swimming in a bucket. “That’s way over the limit,” he says. “You’re under arrest.”
 
“But officer, please,” the man says, “these are my pet fish from home.
 
I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week. When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go home.”
 
“I don’t believe it,” … Read the rest...

The Hillbilly and the Mirror

Sent by Jo Ann Thomas.


After living in the Kentucky mountains all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.  Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, ‘How about that!  Here’s a picture of my daddy.’

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way … Read the rest...

Grandparent Tales

Several of these are alleged to be old classics (emphasis on old). They were sent to me by cousin Jo Ann Thomas. Most of them I do not understand, of course.


 
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will … Read the rest...

What I’ve Learned From My Computer

Sent by Jo Ann Thomas.


I have learned so much from my computer. I was living in total ignorance.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it … Read the rest...

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

This is from cousin Jo Ann Thomas. As Garfield said, “….”


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.

I can’t afford one.

So, I’m wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.


You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like … Read the rest...

Drought in Georgia

This comes from coz Jo Ann Thomas.


I don’t know the source of this official drought information, but:

It’s so dry in Georgia that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling; the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT’s Dry.… Read the rest...

A Look Back Into High School

Cousin Jo Ann sent this. She’s gotten the date wrong, however.


Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old. Well. you’ll love this one.

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had … Read the rest...

Despondency of the Elderly

This is an ancient tale. This version was sent by cousin Jo Ann Thomas.


Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss … Read the rest...

Three Minute Management Course

Versions of this didactic gem have been around for some time. This one is from Jo Ann Thomas.


Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered: “Sure, why not?” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Read the rest...

Women Are Evil By Nature

This little tale of warning comes from cousin Jo Ann Thomas.


A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub… She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need … Read the rest...

The Irishman (A Shaggy Paddy)

Jo Ann Thomas sent this evil little tale of the dangers of drink.


Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating. Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy!”

Paddy replies “OK, Mick, I’ll be on my way, then.”

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off and falls flat on his face. “Shoite,” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.… Read the rest...

Deer Hunting Season

This tale comes from cousin Jo Ann Thomas.


A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in Michigan near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his … Read the rest...