All posts tagged Holidays

Santa’s Stressful Christmas

Mel Lett sent me this tale a few years back. I have a file of stuff he sent me that will keep on giving for a long time.

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being … Read the rest...

A Christmas Dolly

This wonderful, almost seasonal article is from Cousin Jo Anne.

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa  checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,  … Read the rest...

A Christmas Tale from Callahan’s Bar

This tale features characters from one of the world’s most famous virtual bars. The author of the tale is not known, but it is not Spider Robinson, the creator of the original ficton.

“Mike, I’ve got a strange tale. Heard it from a Klingon last night, and I thought the folks might appreciate it.”

“It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and Luke Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was going by the name of … Read the rest...

Holiday Merger — Chanukah and Christmas

This tale appeared on the groaners listserv at this time of the season for several years.

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having … Read the rest...

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

This was posted by Stan Kegel onto the groaners listserv.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift … Read the rest...

The Thanksgiving Riddles

Spanking clean riddles for Thanksgiving. Yea. These were posted by Stan Kegel on several of his listservs.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A Turkey.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such fowl … Read the rest...

Do you speak Turkish?

This Thanksgiving sequence is from the groaners listserv:

What does a turkey say:
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

What does a turkey with a sore throat say?
Gargle, Gargle, Gargle.

What does a turkey with club feet say?
Hobble, Hobble, Hobble.

What does a dyslexic turkey say?
Boggle, Boggle, Boggle.

What does a turkey with a lame leg say?
Waddle, Waddle, Waddle

What does a turkey with a bladder problem say?
Puddle, Puddle, Puddle

What does a turkey with an invisible handicap … Read the rest...

A PUNY Thanksgiving Dictionary

A seasonal offering from the PUNY listserv.

A yam: First person singular present of “to be” as in, “A yam very happy that everyone was able to be here tonight” (Cynthia MacGregor)

Breast: The part of the bird little kids love to ask for because they’re getting away with saying one of “those” words without getting punished for it (Cynthia MacGregor)

Brussels Sprouts: Das Kindergartners (in my best fractured pseudoFlemish) (Bob Dvorak)

Candied Yams: Descartes telling it like it is… … Read the rest...

Thanksgiving Night

A timely item from the groaners listserv.

T’was the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn’t sleep…
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned…the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,… Read the rest...

The Twelve Night’s of HALLOWEEN…

This parody was posted on the groaners listserv

On the first night of Halloween My true love gave to me… A vulture
in a dead tree!

On the second night of Halloween My true love gave to me… Two
flying bats And a vulture in a dead tree!

On the third night of Halloween My true love gave to me… Three
black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!

On the fourth night of Halloween My … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles

Topical and Halloween-timely from the groaners listserv, some of these are very ancient, indeed.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

What do you call a skeleton that won’t get out of bed?
Lazy Bones

What did the wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What was the werewolf’s first name?
Harry (Gary Hallock)

What’s black, … Read the rest...

Halloween Poetry

From those punsters on the limericks and haiku listserv:

On Monday the coven was shocked
To learn that a witch had been socked
She took quite a beating
At last wiccan’s meeting
So this week the back doors warlocked
(Gary Hallock)

To frighten the chicks Tom devises
Sheets of white, for turkeys, wise is
His gobblin’ will fool
Those chicks so uncool
This poultry guised pullets surprises
(Gary Hallock)

One of those dead old pha-raohs
Once asked his dad why … Read the rest...

The Night Before Halloween

This was posted on the groaners listserv. I fits with all the other Night Before Christmas parodies.

(Author Unknown)

‘Twas the night before Halloween
and all through the crypt
EVERY creature was stirring
(except one bat who got gypped).

The monsters had gathered
to plan and prepare,
for the trick-or-treaters
who soon would be there.

Mummies unraveled and put on new wraps.
Spiders found corners and spun silky traps.
Count Dracula grinned and slicked back his hair.
Frankenstein’s bride cried, … Read the rest...

Off The Beaten Drac….

We have in no manner run out of these daily Halloween stories. That leaves some for next year. This particular tale is by Bob Dvorak and was posted to P.U.N.Y.

Dracula was walking down the street in mufti. He paused in front of a jewelry shop and was admiring a bracelet with some particularly marvelous blood-red stones when a young woman approached with the similar idea of browsing expensive baubles.

As she studied an opal pendant she heard a somewhat … Read the rest...

The Death of Dracula

This rude little tale has been around. This version was on the groaners listserv.

Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing. “I’ll give you a chance to redeem your sins”, said God “I’ll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated into any other living thing of … Read the rest...

Halloween Humor in a Jugular Vein*

From the groaners listserv and from the book referenced below.

We all love to travel, and vampires, too, need their rest and relaxation. So Count Dracula went on a tour of Europe.

Having not had a meal since he’d left the homeland of Transylvania, he was very glad when a town constable knocked on his hotel door and asked the count to show him his passport. It didn’t take Dracula long to grab the policemen and suck every drop of … Read the rest...

A Halloween Love Story

Published on the P.U.N.Y and the groaners listserv, this tender tale is by the incomparable punster Gary Hallock.

An ugly old minister, Hume
Too many dark peas did consume
     It killed him, that’s shown
     That’s why he’s now known
As preacher from the black legume

One night under bloody full moon
The time of the month made for woo’in
     Hume went on the prowl
     And heard his ghoul howl
And knew he cadaver real soon

Hume asked her “Would you

Read the rest...

Halloween Definitions

From the Gaggle of Groaners Listserve and the Yahoo pun group.

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you jog without a bra.

Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for

Read the rest...

Zombieland Rules

As we approach Halloween, I’m reminded of last year’s Zombieland, a brilliant horror-comedy staring Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, and Abigail Breslin. In the movie, Columbus (Eisenberg) refers to thirty-three rules for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

While not all of the rules have been revealed, here’s what we know:

1. Cardio
2. Double tap
2. Ziploc bags (alternate #2 from a deleted scene)
3. Beware of bathrooms
4. Wear seatbelts
5. Shoot first (from the cell phone game)
6. … Read the rest...

Halloween Humor — The Grave

From the groaners and the Jest For Kids listservs.

A man worked nights and his workplace was on one side of a cemetery and he lived on the opposite side? He was very afraid of ghosts and rather than walk through the cemetery at night, he walked two or three miles around it. Both ways.

This went on for a couple of years. One day, he said to himself, “What am I afraid of?” That night he walked through the … Read the rest...

Have a Happy Halloween Moon

Bouncing around the internet.

Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 3

Continuing the Halloween Riddles.

Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
     Their bats flew away (Gary Hallock)

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
     A dead ringer.

What do you call two witches living together?

What would you find on a haunted beach?
     A sand witch.

Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
     He wants to use them later for cold cuts!

How do ghosts begin letters?
     “Tomb it may concern”… Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 2

These are from the groaners listserv.

Why did the skeleton go to the hospital ?

To have his ghoul stones removed !

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain ?

He could feel it in his bones !

What do you call a skeleton who won’t get up in the mornings ?

Lazy bones !

What do boney people use to get into their homes ?

Skeleton keys !

What happened to the boat that sank in … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 1

From the groaners listserv.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?

So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

His ghoul friend (Clynch Varnadore)

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

To improve his bite

Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?

It had no body to dance with.

Whom did the ghost invite to his party?

Anyone he could dig up.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they

Read the rest...

Crossing The Vampire Tale Five (aka Dracula Walks)

This is from “David 40”. It was published on the groaners listserv. Following the current Halloween motif, you are invited to look up the previous four tales.

Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary’s in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women’s necks.

He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He … Read the rest...