Our next chapter in the War Between the Sexes was sent by Shayne Gad.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/men-are-just-happier-people/
This chapter in the War Between the Sexes came from the groanerslistserv.
1.) FINE:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) FIVE MINUTES:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) NOTHING:
… Read the rest...This is the calm before the
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/nine-dangerous-words-women-use/
This rude little tale was published on the groaners listserv a few years ago.
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t quite the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-ambidexterous-golfer/
Stan Kegel posted this tale of married life on the groaners listserv.
*Pierogi (aka perogi, or pirogi)
An elderly pious Jew lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of Impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/pierogi/
This ia a pun cascade from P.U.N.Y.
Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner Engaged to 24-Year-Old
The 84-year-old announces his engagement to model Crystal
Harris on Twitter.
The above – seriously! – is from today’s news.
I can guess what wedding gifts they’ll exchange: She’ll give
him an Erector set, and he’ll give her a do-it-yourself kit.
Charles Wukash
A bunny thing happened on the way to the nursing home.
Gary Hallock
I thought young gal would play boy, man shun.
Chris … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/current-events-interage-marriage/
This is from bro Tom Vickery. The whole concept makes me a little uneasy.
The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.
Sheila and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/should-you-remarry-after-a-spouses-death/
This was sent to me a few years ago by Dick Brewer.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, John, what was your toast?”
John Said, “Here’s to spending the rest … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-great-irish-toast/
This gentle tale of the war of the sexes comes from Bill Pardue.
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
“Now, I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”
Soon, the women were gone, and there were … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/entering-paradise/
Another list from the battle of the sexes.
Men are like……Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like…..Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
Men are like…..Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest
Men are like…..Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY
Men are like…..Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like…..Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/men-are-like/
From the groaners and clean jokes listservs.
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-donation-2/
From the yahoogroups punsite.
… Read the rest...* He does not have a beer gut; He develops a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
* He is not quiet; He is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
* He does not have a fabulous rear end; He has achieved BUTTOCKS PERFECTION.
* He is not stupid; He suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
* He does not get lost all the time; He discovers ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
* He is not balding; He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
* You do
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/politically-correct-terms-to-use-for-females-2/
From a yahoogroups pun site.
… Read the rest...* She does not get PMS; She becomes HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
* She does not have a killer body; She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
* She is not a bad cook; She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
* She is not a bad driver; She is AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
* She is not a perfect 10; She is NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
* She is not easy; She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
* She does not hate sports on TV; She is ATHLETICALLY
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/politically-correct-terms-to-use-for-females/
As is the case of so many of these, this is from the groaners listserv.
. HER DIARY:
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/communication-gap/
From my old friend, Dick Brewer.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers: “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”
Jacob: … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/senior-wedding/
Another one told me by Mel Lett. Way back when.
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, and such.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-wise-bride/
This companion-piece for the Rules for Men posting was posted on the groaners listserv.
The Franklin Factor:
Early to bed and early to rise means it’s time to meet more guys.
The Rat Race:
If there’s one rat in a room full of nice men, he’ll hit on you first.
The Eyeglass Prescription:
Don’t wear your glasses on a blind date.
You’ll look better, and he will too.
The Ring Rule:
A watched telephone never rings.
The Creep Call:
… Read the rest...Never
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/rules-for-women/
From the internet.
A Woman’s Fifty Rules for Men
1. Call.
2. Don’t lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to “Do I look fat?” is never, ever “Yes.”
7. Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
8. Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/fifty-rules-for-men/
This was posted by Anna Welander on pun group on yahoo.com.
It’s harder to tell navy from black.
Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you’re too old to wear it the second time around.
Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them…but your grandchildren are perfect.
Yellow becomes the big color…walls…hair…teeth.
Going out is good. Coming home is better.
When you needed the discount you had to pay full price…Now you get discounts on … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/some-observations-on-maturing-female-perspective/
As is the case with Math Lesson I, this came from Mel Lett. The author is not known.
A wife came home one day to find a letter saying the following:
To My Dear Wife,
… Read the rest...You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/math-lesson-ii/
This was published on the groaners listserv.
… Read the rest...I ain’t much for shopping,
Or for goin’ into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain’t too easily found.But the day came when I had to go –
I left the kids with Ma.
But ‘fore I left, she asked me,
“Would you pick me up a bra?”So without thinkin’ I said, “Sure,”
How tough could that job be?
An’ I bent down and kissed her
An’ said, “I’ll be back
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-cowboy-and-the-bra/
Going shopping? A GI-series might be more fun. This description of how to avoid this misery was posted in the shaggydog listserv.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. But yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.
Dear … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/enforced-waiting-in-walmart/
This is an old tale that I have seen in various forms. It recently appeared on the groaners listserv. As a shaggy tale, it should be much longer, but we will let it pass for now.
Once upon a time there dwelt in Fairy Land, a particularly beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and fair of face and form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed, because he had, protruding from his navel, a silver screw.
Verily, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-silver-screw/
Or was that pungent comments? This came from Sis-In-Law Marbella.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it. So I said ‘Implants?’ She hit me.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/cogent-comments/
From the groaners listserv.
An 85-year-old couple had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-60-year-marriage/
xkcd is a webcomic by Randall Munroe. Sometimes he includes puns that are usually of a mathematical and/or scientific nature.
This work is copyrighted and is licensed by xkcd under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 Generic Licence.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-stats-2/