All posts tagged Chris Cole

Hoary Horse Tail

This is an original from Chris Cole. Thanks.

In New York’s Manhattan Island it’s quite common to see street preachers of every variety, from the calm presenter to the top-of-the-lungs fire-and-brimstone orator. Of particular note were four brothers who staked out the four corners of a busy intersection. They would begin their ministry early in the day, imploring and beseeching passersby to repent because of the upcoming End Times events described in the last book of the Bible, Revelation (sometimes … Read the rest...

Crimean Punishment

Another synaptic sampling from Chris Cole

Captain Song Lohn Jilver of the Crimean Navy was about to punish a rather crude and rude sailor on deck. The Captain had the sailor tied to the mast and his shirt ripped off. Then the Captain proceeded to shout out, “You are a heel, sir! You are a boor, a cad, a dispicable person, a nasty lad, a low-life….” On and on went the Captain’s tirade as he paced about, arms wildly waving.… Read the rest...

Cattle Cull

Another cerebral sampling from Chris Cole.

Once upon a time there were four musk oxen who became the best of friends. They did everything together. When it came time for them to get new harnesses, they all went to the tack shop together to be fitted.

Alas, one of the musk oxen — Clumsy Clyde — wasn’t too sure of foot and tripped inside the tack shop, stumbling over the work bench and then falling forward, fatally impaling himself upon … Read the rest...

Sir Rodney

Chris Cole tells this us story about the Wizard of Id cartoon series.

I still vividly remember one from almost 30 years ago wherein Sir Rodney desired to take out a personal loan at the bank. A friend of mine showed me the Sunday strip, which I had to read and then had to think about to “get” the inferred PUNch line. Sir Rodney was asked to put up some collateral to secure the loan, against which the bank would … Read the rest...

Cutting Up

This is from the prolific Chris Cole.

Seems a local eccentric (with WAY too much time on his hands) loved to take his riding lawnmower into strange neighborhoods and cut people’s grass while they were asleep. In the morning they’d awaken to newly-mown lawns up and down the street. The local newspaper kept tabs on where this anonymous grass cutter would strike next. A recent headline proclaimed in bold print: The Lawn Stranger Rides Again!… Read the rest...

Once a Pod a Time

Another Original from Chris Cole.

Various professions have lofty ideals they pursue. In the agricultural realm there is the pursuit of the perfectly-shaped pea. An annual contest is held in which randomly selected bushel baskets from each pea crop are given to professional sorters. Their goal is to eliminate all the odd-shaped peas from the batch, with only perfectly round peas remaining. The most offending shape to be discarded was that of a bell. Peas shaped like that were to … Read the rest...

Instruments of Destruction

This timely tale is by Chris Cole (

In the latest spate of military action against Iraq, Sadam Hussein’s military was lured into firing upon over 6 dozen tiny, unarmed remotely-controlled aircraft, thinking they were incoming cruise missles. In doing so, they didn’t notice the main incoming attack force until it was too late. The Iraqi press denounced this “evil” deception by the “Great Satan United States” with the following headline: 76 Bomb Drones in the Big Charade!… Read the rest...

Grassy damnation

This was submitted by Chris Cole.

Earthen dams still exist in many parts of the country — around the world, in fact. Funny thing about them, however… With ready access to a usually reliable supply of water, those dams with steady resevoir levels and good soil produce a thick, rich carpet of grass on them. This lush covering often grows so quickly that it begins to seem impossible to maintain a neatly-trimmed appearance. Folks have been know to comment that … Read the rest...

Shaggy Serpent

by Alan B. Combs

Too frequently it’s just very difficult being a serpent. Fat ladies wham you with clubs, some people give you respect but very few give you love. This is the sad tale of a serpent we shall call Fred.

Fred needed love and appreciation, but being what he was, he found these hard to find. One day he tried to befriend a man in the park. Very soon, Fred figured out that the man did not have … Read the rest...

Which Witch?

Mitch sent me this groaner. As is the case with many folks, he is very faithful.

Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population. They finally went to a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townspeople managed to put the potion in the witch’s food. When she found out about this, she turned green with … Read the rest...

Horticultural Hermeneutics

Another original musing from Chris Cole.

Most students of the Bible are undoubtedly aware that the Apostle Paul prior to his Christian conversion was a Pharisee who was also trained as a tent maker as his vocation in life. It was not until recently, however, that archeologists unearthed scrolls describing a side hobby that Paul also had. It seems Paul had quite the green thumb. That’s right — it seems he had quite a knack for not only cultivating various … Read the rest...

Pauline Perils

Here’s another synaptic sampling from Chris Cole.

New Testament theologians have long known that the Apostle Paul wrote some of his epistles while in prison. It wasn’t until just recently, however, that they came across some historical references to how he managed to smuggle these inspired messages out of prison and get them to his intended recipients.

From deep within one of his many dungeon incarcerations, Paul was able to gain access to the bow and arrow of one of … Read the rest...

Cats as Cats Can

Chris Cole remembers seeing/hearing this little gem in an old Danny Kaye movie, which was probably made in the 1940’s (black & white film). This bilingual pun was sent to Brian by Lorraine Jacques ( Mercy, mercy! Himie Koshevoy has a version of this story in his “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”

Young Marie was excited. She was going to visit her cousin Madeline in France. She was going to stay an entire summer and she was excited about meeting … Read the rest...

Essene Essence and other old tales

By Alan B. Combs and Chris Cole

Archeology, that ancient science of antiquities (or is it the antiquated science of ancients), received much favorable press with the Indiana Jones sagas. Usually, though, archeology is more quiet than that.

One exception to this quiet occurred a few years ago in the Middle East when a new cache of ancient written material was found near the Northern border of the Dead Sea. Controversy arose immediately. It appeared that while many of the … Read the rest...

The Long and the Short of It

Another original from Chris Cole.

Recently an NBA player went in for arthroscopic surgery on both knees at the same time. Somehow, the doctor really screwed up and the player came out of surgery six inches shorter than when he went in.

Well, the player was outraged and royally chewed out the doctor, who, in a fit of pique of his own, responded by insulting the NBA star, making snide jokes about his sudden post-surgical shortness. The player hobbled off, … Read the rest...

Feghoot IV: Feghoot in captivity

Ron Koolman posted this on alt.callahans. Chris Cole indicates that it may originally have been an Asimov pun.

In 2916, after a captivity of 22 years, Ferdinand Feghoot escaped from the planet Aah-ook. As soon as he landed on Earth, hundreds of reporters surrounded him and began asking questions, which he answered with his usual directness:

“The Aah-ookians are highly intelligent dragonoid beings upwards of 800 yards long. I was taken by one called Urk-tss. He was so old that … Read the rest...

Deep Six for Deep Space Nine

Another original creation (by Chris Cole)……shrugs shoulders….oh well.

This seaon’s final episode of Star Trek — Deep Space Nine will involve having Dax (Curzon Dax, to be exact) single-handedly devising a clever strategy, wherein she/he will use her/his impressive Trill abilities to foil the entire enemy armada in one fell swoop. In the episode’s closing scene, Dax will savor the climactic battle’s sweet conclusion by breaking into a beautiful, joyous song. Quark will close out the episode in his usual … Read the rest...

Non-PC Upgrade

This is from Chris Cole. He calls it, “another orginal synapse hiccup…”

Then, there was the lovely young computer genius who has suffered from self-esteem, and thought she was too flat-chested. So she did what any computer-type would do…she got a silicone mammary upgrade!… Read the rest...

For the Birds?

This is a contribution from Chris Cole, who says, “…another original creation…..yeah, I can’t pass the blame on to anyone else….I’m stuck with it!”

Once upon a time (well, more than once, actually, …a number of times) the Carrier Pigeon Employees Union held an Iron Bird competition to honor the toughest, most dedicated specimen of avian delivery in the State of (where else?) California.

Only two birds made it into the final round, where each carrier pigeon had to carry … Read the rest...

Shaggy Zone

Chris Cole calls this another abberent synapse product of his mind. I call it enjoyable.

Rod Serling, that prolific and creative creator/writer of the classic Twilight Zone series, attributed much of his success in story creation to the habit he had of always keeping a pen and pad of paper on his nightstand next his bed. Then, whenever he awoke during the night and an idea was fresh in his mind, he could quickly jot down some notes and avoid … Read the rest...

Singing for Supper (A Three-aacked Play)

From: Chris Cole This is one of several original contributions to the collection that we will see from Chris.

Scene One: Cooking school. The assignment to create a delicious side salad with kidney beans, green beans, and wax beans in a seasoned oil-and-vinegar dressing. The student-cooks begin their work.

Scene Two: Three students Larry, Moe and Curly (soytenly!) get into an argument over the order in which to add each ingredient. Words lead to shoving, which in turn leads to … Read the rest...

Picking Up Ascent

This sent to us by Chris Cole who says, “(Courtesy of ‘Uncle Jaybird’s Storytime’, a popular shaggy dog feature doneby a southern California disc jokey on KFI in the late 1960s… sent in by some equally demented listener…)”

In the Alps there was a treacherous mountain which had never been successfully scaled. No one who attempted to reach the summit had ever returned. Only once had a battered and broken climber crawled back into the village at the foot of … Read the rest...

Go with the Flow

Another original spurious-synapse product from Chris Cole.

Bee keeper Ben R. Jizer prided himself on the very potent, flavorful honey his bees produced. It was quite by accident, however, that he discovered another rather peculiar quality of his honey. It dissolved rubber gaskets. How, you may ask, did he discover that?

One of his honey distributors suggested to Ben that he package his honey in bottles resembling little glass barrels, fitted with a handy spigot on the side for dispensing … Read the rest...

Anesthesia a la Bong

Chris Cole asks, “I can’t help but wonder if the following might be possible?”

A Prague anesthesiologist decided to stop using regular anesthetics, figuring lots of time was wasted while waiting for the patient to finally “go under”. Besides, the anesthetics were expensive. Instead, he just kept a large wooden mallet on his tray next to the surgery table. The mallet bore the following inscription — Rapid Czech-Out.… Read the rest...