All posts tagged Chris Cole

Enough’s Enough, Hun

This is from Chris Cole.

It seems that after the formerly-tame Attila the Hun’s wife, Ruth, died, he was transformed and thus became utterly ruthless. (Of course!)

As a result, when his horsemen needed spear-chucking practice, Attila would choose one of his least-needed slaves to serve as the hapless target, placing him up against the back wall of the stable. Whenever Attila set out on one of his slave-selecting sprees it spread terror among anyone in his path.

Once all … Read the rest...

A Concerted Effort

This is from rosecatt’s friend Fred Spondy.

Did I tell you about the great concert I went to last week? It was a tribute to Simon and Garfunkel. They had an impressive lineup – an Elvis impersonator, Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66, Rosemary Clooney and 80’s TV star Tyne Daly. The ensemble was billed as ‘Presley, Serge, Rosemary and Tyne’.

Chris Cole added the following subtlety:

“Fair enough!”… Read the rest...

Leer Jest

From the endlessly inventive Chris Cole.

Many a student of Shakespeare has heard Mark Antony’s funeral oration for the slain explorer Julius Caesar. Few are aware, however, of Mark’s “executive assistant”, a very buxom lady friend named Aphrodesia, who was ever at his side during public appearances. She had the habit of dressing somewhat provocatively and of being a bit flirtatious. Hence, all the red-blooded men (which, let it be said, included most of them) in the crowd often looked … Read the rest...

Don’t Bank On It

By Chris Cole, this is a variant on a traditional punchline.

Bobi Kerpacek used to be a solid, loyal member of the Communist Party when he was part of the government bureaucracy in Czechoslovakia. After the recent falling out of favor of the communists, Bobi, ever quick to catch the latest political winds, changed his party affiliation to the more popular National Democratic Freedom Party. Unfortunately, he underestimated the fickleness of his circle of former friends. When Bobi asked why … Read the rest...

Rickling the Funny Bone

Yet another original creation from Chris Cole.

Don Rickles, the well-known King of the Insult for All Occasions, was once asked the secret to his long-lasting success. After staring wide-eyed at his questioner and prefacing his answer with the well-worn, “Dummy!”, Don replied, “Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise!”… Read the rest...

Ehh, baloney!

One of many from Chris Cole.

In a quaint Bavarian town, known as a romantic spot for newlywed to honeymoon, a local shop owner came up with a creative way to advertise his dairy and sausage products. He posted a large sign in his shop window, proudly proclaiming in foot-high letters: For Butter or Wurst!… Read the rest...

Unwelcome at Restaurants

Chris Coles sends us this quickie.

Do you know why sniveling, complaining sheep are not invited to dine at fancy restaurants?

Because no one wants to have sheep whine with gourmet food!… Read the rest...

The Magician I

This is by Clynch Varnadore on PUNY.

There was a magician who wanted to do more than mere prestidigitation, who had managed across a book which contained all manner of spell, both good and ill. Of particular interest was a spell wherein he could raise the dead. He tried this spell on some animals and discovered that it worked quite well, so he started showing it to various agents in Hollywood.

One agent hit upon a particularly interesting idea; what … Read the rest...

The Monsoon

This is by pun master Stan Kegel.

Captain Horatio Hornblower has to rank among the most heroic of naval leaders. Many books have been written describing his adventures in the most minute detail.

My favorite Hornblower story took place early in his career, shortly after his appointment as the ship’s commander. He was traveling in the North Indian Ocean waters when suddenly a monsoon developed. For those of you who do not know what a monsoon is, it could have … Read the rest...

Request for URL — Urgent

This is by Glenn Gardner. It was posted on alt.humor.puns.

I received a lovely plaque with my personal monogram engraved on it. I wanted to display it in the garden, held by a small porcelain figurine. I was unable to find one that struck my fancy, but my flamboyant neighbor agreed to stand around holding the monogram, provided I would dress him up in a flashy evening gown. Can anybody here direct me to that new web site I’ve been … Read the rest...

Roamin’ Tale

This is by Linda Wilkinson (aka Blessing) on alt.callahans.

Blessing is floating near the end of bar, chatting with the marine, when she notices a Mallard enter the bar. The Mallard catches her attention immediately due to its odd colouration. Instead of the standard feather hue, this creature is a light blue with a touch of green. The Mallard hops up on a stool and orders a drink.

“Bill” she whispers to the marine “are my ears playing tricks or … Read the rest...

A Morayly Correct Parable

An original creation from Chris Cole.

That story reminds me of a moray eel who was a bit of a pack rat; he just couldn’t throw anything away. He even rented one of those self-storage lockers from the local Store-All center to contain the overflow of his obsession. His friends assumed the eel must be storing something of great value in his rented space, but in spite of all his apparent earthly riches, when he died and they opened it … Read the rest...

Barking Up The Wrong Tree?

Another original from the synapses of Chris Cole.

A renown plant pathologist was called in to determine why a group of trees in a particular forest were rapidly succumbing to some kind of disease. No sooner would one tree’s bark began to shrivel up and turn an ugly yellow-green, than it would quickly spread to all the trees around it. It was a terrible sight to behold.

Some trees tried to grow extra replacement layers of bark, but the increased … Read the rest...

Getting Down

Bob Levi sent this short groaner.

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.”

Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before … Read the rest...

Just Radiating Confidence

By Chris Cole

As they help their clients sift though and try to make some sense of all of their sometimes confusing and conflicting thoughts and emotions, professional counselors and therapists often function a lot like the control rods in a nuclear reactor.

They keep your cranium from approaching critical mess in order to keep you from suffering an unclear melt-down.… Read the rest...

In Due Course

An original from those golden synapses of Chris Cole.

Having recently returned from a foray deep into cannibal country, famed explorer Angus MacDonnegal was asked by a hometown newspaper reporter whatever became of his trusted companion and ever-present protege, Heathcliff.

Angus sighed and replied, “Well, there we were, standing in front of this fierce-looking cannibal tribe’s chief. Looking around at the band of imposing warriors all around us he asked me why I brought along such a seemingly frail-looking young … Read the rest...

Indecision Redux

This is by Scarlett Herzele, former student, current colleague, always Pun Mistress.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which one to wed (alliteration for the sake of alliteration is alliteration all the…). He asked his best friend, a young man who, it just so happened, had been in the same situation, but, had found resolution. (You can see she has taken my commantery to heart — ABC.)

He said, “You can handle it … Read the rest...

The Banker

This is by Stan Kegel.

We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank. While there have been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a relatively new phenomenon.

Molan Cache is usually considered the man who developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of King Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to finance this … Read the rest...

The Shaggy Road Less Taken

A friend of Chris Cole sent this to him who, in turn, passed it along to me. Thanks.

It had been a quiet night at the local bar so far, but then the door was thrown open and an Interstate highway strode in. “I’m an Inter-state highway,” he declared. “I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I’m the … Read the rest...

Deconstruction Art Critics

This is a short original from Chris Cole.

Did you hear about the vandals that removed the eyes, ears, nose and mouth from the Smithsonian Museum’s “Mister Potato Head” exhibit?

They were charged with defacing.… Read the rest...

One Good Urn Deserves Another

Another original synaptic surprise from Chris Cole.

Once upon a time three adult siblings all perished in a terrible car wreck. They were loved by all and the local townsfolks often referred to them by their nicknames. First, there was Florence, whose penchant for “foo-foo” kinds of decorations earned her “Foo”. Then there was Sutton, whose winsome, informal personality had folks fondly calling “Sutt”. Finally, there was their avid bird-watcher sibling who left to make an immense fortune in the … Read the rest...

G.I. Holmes

An original by Chris Cole.

It seems that on one occasion the fiendish Dr. Moriarity had finally foiled Sherlock Holmes by swallowing the key to a safe deposit box which contained incriminating evidence that could finally put the evil Doctor away for good. Holmes’ assistant, Dr. Watson, was quite upset and fretted to Holmes that now they would never be free of Moriarity’s evil, harrassing schemes. Holmes was unfazed, however, quietly puffing on his pipe. Watson demanded to know how … Read the rest...

An Unlikely Muse

From the admirably prolific Chris Cole

People often wonder where great authors get their inspiration, especially for truly great works. Well, sometimes inspiration comes from the most unlikely places.

During a brief bought of writer’s block, literary giant John Steinbeck was in correspondence with a lovely Vietnamese woman named Mai. She lived in a village teeming with dozens and dozens of eligible young ladies like herself, but with only one eliigble bachelor in the entire village.

Being the caring soul … Read the rest...

A Dandy Drawing

“Here’s an original, just sort of oozed out of my synapses…” (by Chris Cole)

Osgood Sandoval was a well known local artist — at least in his small town, anyway. The townsfolk all heartily supported this fledgling talent and humored him by often asking him to quickly sketch something for them on the spot. Osgood would smile broadly and grant their requests, bursting with pride as he did so.

Soon his artistic talents were put to use on T-shirts, providing … Read the rest...

A real fish story

Beverly McGuire sent this to us. The author was not known at the time of posting.

It was April 4th 44, being a quadruple leap year, I was driving downtown Atlantis, my Baracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating. I pulled into a Shell Station, they said I’d blown a seal. I said “Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal”.

While they were doing that … Read the rest...