This meme has been floating around the nets. I took it and expanded it to a third level.
All posts tagged Celebrities
Once, Twice, Three Times a Shaggy Lady
… Posted by Brian P. Combs on April 14, 2012
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/once-twice-three-times-a-shaggy-lady/
Shaggy Rogue
… Posted by Brian P. Combs on April 6, 2012
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-rogue/
There Is No Spoon
… Posted by Brian P. Combs on March 26, 2012
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/there-is-no-spoon/
Oscar is Wilde; Gene is Wilder
… Posted by Brian P. Combs on March 8, 2012
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/oscar-is-wilde-gene-is-wilder/
Shaggy Christmas Down Under
This merry little gem was submitted to us by Dave Wallace.
Lara Bingle (an Australian fashion model) invited Michael Clarke (captain of the Australian cricket team, and Lara’s former fiance) around for Christmas dinner a few short years ago. She didn’t claim to be a good cook, but wanted to serve a home-made meal for him. Actually, she admits to being a lousy cook.
Michael found a very dense object on his plate which was a kind of radioactive green. … Read the rest...
Posted by Brian P. Combs on December 27, 2011
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-christmas-down-under/
The Human Stain
A recent offering from Stan Kegel and Richard Lederer’s book.
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were having dinner at an expensive New York restaurant. It was the place to be seen and both had dressed for the occasion. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred wore his smartest morning suit. But the evening was marred when the waiter bringing their desserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge.
“I’m terribly sorry,” … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 15, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-human-stain/
Modern Classic Lies
From AAA Jokes, this was posted on the groaners listserv.
In addition to the old lines about “The check is in the mail” and “Certainly, I’ll respect you in the morning,” modern events have made for modern lies to take their place among the classics. Following are some of the “new” classics:
… Read the rest...– I never inhaled.
– I never watch television except PBS.
– I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of my wife Nicole and
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 12, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/modern-classic-lies/
Elvis — In Lieu of Lunch
This was posted by Conrad Macina to the daily-humor group on yahoogroups.
My mother gave my sister and me ten dollars to buy lunch for ourselves at the diner down the street. On our way there we passed a man selling puppies. I asked, “How much for a puppy?”
“Ten dollars,” he answered.
Unable to resist, I coaxed my sister into giving up her lunch money and bought a puppy. I named it Elvis, and we went home.
My sister, … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 8, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/elvis-in-lieu-of-lunch/
Lowely Shaggy Dog
Irregular Webcomic! is by David Morgan-Mar. Occasionally, he includes wonderful puns. This was originally published on January 20, 2004.
This work is copyrighted and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported Licence by David Morgan-Mar.… Read the rest...
Posted by Brian P. Combs on June 12, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/lowely-shaggy-dog/
Shaggy Beatles II
By Brian P. Combs.
Another that’s certainly been done, and might have variants already in Tarzan’s Tripes, but this one drug me out of bed until I got it written down…
In addition to being an actor and comedian, Dom DeLuise was an accomplished chef. He wrote several books on cooking and often performed cooking segments when on talk shows.
He was also good friends with well-known Cajun chef Paul Prudhomme. In fact, Prudhomme even shared his top secret cream … Read the rest...
Posted by Brian P. Combs on May 17, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-beatles-ii/
Glorious ‘Highlights’ of the English Language…
These wonderful insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Thanks to Tom Vickery for this listing. Bill Pardue has also sent versions of this collection.
The famous exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 23, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/glorious-highlights-of-the-english-language/
How To Make Yourself Feel Smarter (Read These)
Alice Collins from LA sent this. (Now, as for me, I would be likely to cut a little (a lot of) slack for anything Mariah Carey or Brooke Shields might say.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 4, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/how-to-make-yourself-feel-smarter-read-these/
Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?
This updated political statement was sent by Bro Tom Vickery.
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 4, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/subject-why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road/
The Movie Epic
This version was posted on the ShaggyDog listserv. It features Steven Spielberg, but it is much older than that. I first heard it in high school about a Cecil B. DeMille epic movie — with Charlton Heston, of course.
Steven Spielberg was filming his latest movie in the heart of the Amazon rain forest.
The costs involved in transporting tons of movie making equipment into the heart of the jungle were enormous. He literally had a cast of thousands to … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 28, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-movie-epic/
For the Right Price
Gary Hallock posted this timely quip on P.U.N.Y.
After serving 35 years on TV’s popular game show, The Price is Right, the host is finally going to retire. I imagine he’ll now have more time to concentrate on his sideline of neutering dogs. That’s right, he’ll still Bob Barkers.… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on August 5, 2007
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/for-the-right-price/
To The Memory of Johnny Carson
Ms. Scarlett forwarded these words of wisdom.
“What Democracy Means to Me” by Johnny Carson
… Read the rest...To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation.
Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice-president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of
Posted by Alan B. Combs on May 5, 2007
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/to-the-memory-of-johnny-carson/
Thoughts on Bow Hunting
From Lowrie who knew I wouldn’t be able to resist using it. It reminds me of the ancient question about, “What is the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits the windshield?”*
Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist. Eventually, the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits. The journalist asked, “What do you think the last thought is in the head of a … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on May 5, 2007
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/thoughts-on-bow-hunting/
Julia Child Tale
Me? I make ’em up. To Jim Ryan they always happen. And he has a good memory.
Quite some time back, it was in the sixties, I was watching one of Julia Child’s cooking shows on television. One of the items to be made that day was Swedish dill bread. At the appropriate point in the program Julia placed her hands into the large bowl and uttered in that voice Julia was famous for….
….”and for our next step we … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on May 5, 2007
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/julia-child-tale/
A Samuel L. Jackson Movie
By Brian Combs. He is coming up with more of these things. I guess the chip doesn’t fall far from the longhorn (or some such appropriately perverted cliche).
You’ve probably heard about the new Samuel L. Jackson scary airplane movie. You know, the one that’s been getting all the hype on the internet and on TV.
Well, it really is a low budget feature. In fact, the vast majority of the actors were working for scale.… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on May 5, 2007
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-samuel-l-jackson-movie/
Busted
By Alan B. Combs, accompaied by Chris Caillouet and Bob Dvorak.
It’s true. I have strange friends. Some time ago I told you about a friend that collected statues of various people named William — the Bill-collector. I have another friend, one that instead of statues, collects marble busts of famous people. He keeps them on the shelves in his office.
The actor Richard Boone, of “Have Gun, Will Travel” fame is one of them. Another is of President Nixon. … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 7, 2006
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/busted/
The French and Lance Armstrong
Tom Vickery sent this item, one quite representative of anti-French invective going around the internet these days.
PARIS, France — Lance Armstrong’s record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South of France hotel room while on vacation after … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 2, 2006
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-french-and-lance-armstrong/
The Bad Tattoo
I have known this story for over ten years. I have been waiting for a version to come along, but none has. Thus, this my re- creation.
A young lady who was much in love with Elvis and his memory finally decided she just had to acquire a tattoo of the singer on an intimate part of her anatomy, the inner thigh to be exact. She went to a local tattoo parlor to check it out.
“Can you do a … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 16, 2006
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-bad-tattoo/
Look On My Works…
Sue Lemcke sent this to us. Thanks, Sue.
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. Don’t you know who I am? I … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 6, 2005
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/look-on-my-works/
What I’ve learned — By Satan
Shayne Gad passed this along to us. Thank you, Sir. Esquire magazine runs a segment in every issue called “What I’ve Learned,” where they run quotes and snippets from some famous person.In the January 2004 issue they ran 15 of them, then ended the magazine with one more.
What I’ve learned — By Satan
I prefer Mephistopheles. God calls me Satan.
These days, a lot of people overestimate what they can get for their souls. Frankly, it’s a buyer’s market.… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on August 20, 2005
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/what-ive-learned-by-satan/
Michael Jackson (Adult Theme, What Else?)
I am on cartoonist Myke Ashley-Coopers mailing list. He mostly features puns of a rude nature.
This morning’s offering:
Abstinence makes Michael Jackson grow fondler.… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 18, 2005
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/michael-jackson-adult-theme-what-else/