All posts tagged Bill Pardue

Suicidal Blonde

Oh, golly! Bill Pardue sent me a potfull of jokes of this genus. Thanks, Bill.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.

‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.

‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’

‘No, silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my … Read the rest...

A Holiday Warning

These words of wisdom come from Bill Pardue.

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us (not me) have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many bubbles and some rather nice chardonnay.… Read the rest...

My New Play Toy

This picture pun is from Bill Pardue.

I rewarded myself by buying an all terrain 4 wheeler.

Below is a picture of me playing with it in the back yard.


Read the rest...

Vignettes of When the Fight Started…

Thanks to Bill Pardue for this collection.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s when the fight started……..

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do … Read the rest...

Alzheimer’s Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words? 1. F_ _K 2. PU_S_ 3. S_X 4. P_N_S 5. BOO_S 6. _ _NDOM ... Read the rest...


This tale of sudden awakenings comes from Bill Pardue.

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and … Read the rest...

Entering Paradise

This gentle tale of the war of the sexes comes from Bill Pardue.

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise,  God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines: One line  for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for  the men who were dominated by their women.

“Now, I want all the women to  report to St. Peter.” 

Soon, the women were gone, and there were … Read the rest...

An Effective Comeback

I think this tale from the genera of blistering combacks is old. I remember it, but cannot find it in the archives. Thanks to Bill Pardue for this version.

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, … Read the rest...

Texas Wisdom

From Bill Pardue.

An old prospector shuffled into the town of Denton, Texas, leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle … Read the rest...

Pray for LeRoy

This tale is from Bill Pardue. Thanks, as always.

The preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, LeRoy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, “LeRoy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s … Read the rest...

A Change in Profession

This is from Bill Pardue.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become an auto mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When … Read the rest...

An Italian Confession

From Bill Pardue.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rome , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father, I have sinned.  During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful … Read the rest...

Blonde’s Flat on the Interstate

This is from Bill Pardue.

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn’t believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I … Read the rest...

Texas Medley

Thanks to Bill Pardue for sending this.


Note: If you are not a resident of TEXAS or never have lived in the hot, humid South, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!

-Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
-Please keep it cool in mid-July.

-Bless the walls where termites dine,
-While ants and roaches march in time.

-Bless our yard where spiders pass
-Fire ant castles in the grass.

-Bless the garage, a home

Read the rest...

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reward (One-Liners)

These were forwarded by Bill Pardue. Thank you.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with Battery.

A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.

A Freudian slip: when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory. Unfortunately, it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A hangover: the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on … Read the rest...

Two Drops of Water

From Bill Pardue

This story is for all you Senior Citizens. If you don’t qualify, save a copy ’til you do!

An old lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is … Read the rest...

Regis and The Blonde’s Final Answer

Bill Pardue sent this to us.

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected, it would be the million-dollar question which was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests … Read the rest...

Oh Lordy

Old friend Bill Pardue, retired from these wars, sent this ancient story.

One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, “Why are you crying, my son?”

The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy.

As the Lord walked further, … Read the rest...

Osama in Heaven

This tale has been making the internet rounds lately. I thank Bill Pardue for this version. We can only hope it’s true.

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven…………………..

There he was greeted by George Washington who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!”

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties, but you … Read the rest...

On a Texas Highway

This was sent by Bill Pardue. The author is not known. This story was first published here a few years back, but it continues to be very topical.

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. “What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.

“Well, I guess I’m going to get a … Read the rest...

Deer Hunting in Texas

This came from Bill Pardue. Thanks, Bill.

Only a true deer hunter could understand the great depth of the implied conflict. The author is not known, but the most likely suspects would be from Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, etc.

A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired-off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had some kind of stroke. … Read the rest...

Norwegian Firefighters

Thanks to Bill Pardue for this venerable, shaggy tale. The author of this story is not known.

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas … Read the rest...

More on the War of the Sexes

This tale was sent to us by Bill Pardue. The author is not known.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade about his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to … Read the rest...

Politics (But not PC)

This short story was forwarded by Bill Pardue. The author is unknown.

I’ll never forget that horrible evening I took my grandmother to the emergency room. And after an hour of pacing the doctor said, “Sir, your grandmother is on an artificial life support system. Although her brain is dead, her heart is still beating.”

I said, “Oh my God, we’ve never had a Democrat in the family before.”… Read the rest...

Coach Boudreaux

Bill Pardue presents us this tale of Cajun mischief. The author is not known.


The coaches in St. Landry Parish went to a coach’s retreat and to save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with coach Boudreaux because he snores so bad. They decide it’s not fair to make one of dem stay wit him the whole time so they vote to take turns.

Coach Fontenot sleeps wit him and he come … Read the rest...