Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Feathered Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

Generally, I find that people do not have a great deal of respect for the beneficial effects of poultry in our society. This is a shame, because we could go on and on about our feathered friends and what they have done for us. For example, during the American revolution, the colonists used hens to sniff out red-coat sympathizers. Thus, was born chicken cacciatore.

PaTRICK HeSTER replied to this story with the following source information.


This was ripped

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Caesar the Bull

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally found a buyer for his oldest bull Caesar. This new owner happened to be the rancher’s closest neighbor, who lived on the other side of the valley accross the river.

“Men,” the rancher said to his cowhands, “It’s time to say our good-byes to this bull, and take him across the river”. So the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river.

They were about to put … Read the rest...

The Weevils

Category: Rated G

There were once two weevils living in the country together. One day, they were talking about life, and decided to do something about their miserable existences. So they made a bet: they would return in a year’s time, and compare who’d made a better life for himself.

A year passed. They returned. One had become a legal aid, working in the insect courts of England (as an earwig). The other was still flipping dung-balls at Mc(Farmer)Donalds. The second, obviously having … Read the rest...

Company Picnic

Category: Rated G

We have not been able to locate the source of this story.

A company was having its annual picnic at a local park. There were games, lots of food, and swimming at the beach. The weather was hot and sunny. It seemed that all of the ingredients were there for a wonderful day.

Alas, it was not to be. A large number of people got sick. They seemed fine for a while, but soon they began to get dizzy and … Read the rest...

William Penn

Category: Rated G

The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up until all the people in Quakertown were talking about those pie-rates of Penn’s aunts.… Read the rest...

Hoary Shaggy Dog

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated PG-13, Shaggy Dogs

This is a completely different story leading to a similar punchline as one of the feghoots in this collection.

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn’t reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man’s thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminuitive size didn’t affect Walter’s work too much.

Still, after a while, Walter began … Read the rest...

Asimov Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

This shaggy dog was written by Isaac Asimov.

Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment. However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through.

When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the … Read the rest...

The Olympic Eskimo

Category: Rated G

One of the contenders I saw at the recent Winter Olympics was an Eskimo who competed in the downhill slalom. The trouble was that he just kept getting in the way of the other skiiers. At first I couldn’t believe my eyes, but then I realized he was just an obstacle Aleutian!… Read the rest...

The Snail who Bought a Car

Category: Puns, Rated G

There was once a snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he learned that his uncle had died and left him a large amount of money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a race car, souped it up, and then painted large red letter S’s all over it.

When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked why he had painted his car that way. “Simple,” the snail replied. “When … Read the rest...

Darius the Mede

Category: Rated G

Once there was a conference of scholars investigating ancient history. They were considering the nationality of King Darius, mentioned in the Bible as Darius the Mede. Some of those present took the different view that Darius was actually from Persia. Tempers began to flare, until one wise professor said, “Let’s not argue this! After all, one man’s Mede is another man’s Persian.”… Read the rest...