Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Shaggy Holstein

Category: Rated G

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It was in one ear and out the udder.… Read the rest...

African Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

An African nation was well known for mining large amounts of various, expensive, green gemstones. By not paying attention to the realities of the marketplace, however, they frequently made the mistake of overproduction. The problem then arose — what to do with the excess stones? On one occasion, the surplus stones were used to pave the road around a high school athletic field. This became known as the “Track of all Jades”… Read the rest...

Shaggy Historical Site

Category: Rated G

This has been attributed to Bennett Cerf. Many variants exist.

Lowell, Massachusetts, is an old New England Mill town. Many of the Mills have been declared National Historical Sites and are included in a Federal Park (true!). The problem was what to do with the other mills, and how to attract more tourists to the area. One bright young marketeer pointed out that Germans like to travel with their dogs, and this was difficult in the U.S. Why not make … Read the rest...

Shaggy Seasonal

Category: Rated G

A couple was dining at a fancy restaurant, and was most impressed with the broccoli with hollendaise sauce. They succeeded in coaxing the chef to their table to wax eloquent, and to beg for the recipe. Finally, he relented, “Madame, Monsieur, it is so simple. Make sure zee ingredients are FRESH. Zee broccoli should be just so. ….”, and on and on he went. Finally, he emphasized, “…And zee most important thing of all, you MUST serve zee sauce on … Read the rest...

Hopeful Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G

Did you notice recently when the newspapers described the somewhat clandestine attempts by Bill Clinton, Bob Hope, and Al Gore to enhance conservation and environmental awareness by forcing the U.S. military to devise a way to make bras out of old armored vehicles (swords into plowshare sort of thing). The code name for this effort was, of course, “Tanks for the Mammaries”.… Read the rest...

Soviet Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

Prior to the breakup of the Soviet Union, my wife and I had an opportunity to visit Moscow. It is a beautiful city with friendly people, all eager to help us enjoy our visit, including Rudolph Karnekov, the personal guide assigned to us by the concierge of our hotel. Moscow-born and bred and a former membr of the Politburo, Rudy was very knowledgeable about the city and every aspect of Russian life, as well. We spent every moment possible out … Read the rest...

Shaggy Basketball

Category: Rated G

Kareem Abdul Jabbar, previously of the Los Angeles Lakers, was one of the best basketball players in the NBA. While he is still with us, an enterprising biotechnology company recently took some of his cells to be grown into another great basketball player. The cells are stored away awaiting the necessary advances in human biotechnology. At that time they will be thawed out, but until then they will be kept frozen — an iced Kareem clone.… Read the rest...

Another with Feathers

Category: Rated G

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. (Ever tried doing the Heimlich on a pachyderm?) Finally the trainer goosed him — and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of downy feathers.

Yep! That’s what he gets for snorting quack.… Read the rest...

Fowl Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

The author of this tale is not known. The story has been all over the internet and can be found in many of the traditional humor sites.

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to moult, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that … Read the rest...

Mars Colonization

Category: Rated G

This tale is by Spider Robinson. It was originally published in Callahan’s Crosstime Saloon (1976 Ace paperback, now in 2000 Tor paperback), and was reprinted in The Callahan Chronicals (1999 Tor trade paperback).

In the year 2744 a human survey team discovered a planet whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of something very like granite. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it … Read the rest...