Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

A No ‘Count Story

Category: Rated G

This particular story is very, very old.

There was this war on, do you see, and the Count was captured. His captors tried and tried to get him to reveal his military secrets, but he staunchly said, “I’ll never tell!” They imprisoned him, and tortured him, and threatened him, but he always said, “I’ll never tell!”

Finally, they said, “Either reveal your secrets or we put you to death!”

“I’ll never tell!”, said the Count. So they put his head … Read the rest...

Mary Poppins

Category: Rated G

After Mary Poppins became older, she gave up being a nanny and retired to the West Coast of the United States. After a while, she became bored and decided to open up a small detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her psychic ability and strong nose. She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign proudly. It read:

“Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis.”

Lloyd Botway asked about the source of this well-traveled pun and I said … Read the rest...

About Those Big Cats

Category: Rated G

Himie Koshevoy tells a version of this story.

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in … Read the rest...

Feghoot a la Robinson

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated G

This Feghoot (based on a character by Reginald Bretner) was created by Spider Robinson, one of SF’s great punsters. It is from his ANTINOMY collection (1980 Dell paperback, now permanently out of print). It may be the only triple Feghoot ever written.

Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge. There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) … Read the rest...

About the War Effort

Category: Politically Incorrect

I think this one is an older one than many.

Did you get the whole story about the great effort to protect the Rose windows of Chartres during the World Wars?

Teams of Indian and Jamaican students from the English “public school” Harrows came over to France to help save the windows. They stored them in a barn, under dried cornstalks.

Yes, that’s right — Harrows colored classes used arroz-colored grasses to cover rose colored glasses.… Read the rest...

Stamp Collecting

Category: Rated G

A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the kid next door bought an album also. “He buys every stamp I do and copies everything I do,” the kid complained to his father. “He has taken all the fun out of my collecting stamps.”

“Don’t be so picky, my boy,” said pop. “Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately.”… Read the rest...

Nobody’s Business But the Turks’

Category: Rated G

There once was a mother whose daughter kept trying to elope with her intended. Always, however, in the nick of time, the mother caught them. After about twenty times, the daughter began to get desperate, when at random, she read about an animal activist who would paint bulls in order to camouflage them, then let them escape.

However, when the daughter called up the activist, he told her, “I stain bulls, not constant elopers.”… Read the rest...

Oceanic Shaggy

Category: Politically Incorrect

The author of this story is Lee Jackson.

This is the story about a guy who loved to fish off the shores of the Gulf of Mexico near Galveston. He ran a gas station during the day and went surf fishing in the afternoon. As much as he loved surf fishing, he had one disadvantage: he could not cast more than 10 yards to save his life. Nothing he tried worked.

One day, after a particularly bad afternoon of short … Read the rest...

Dinosaur Mania

Category: Rated G

Dinosaurs are very popular these days. We have Dino from the Flintstones and Barney who loves us. The Jurassic Park dinosaurs wanted us for lunch. So, surely you know the name of the famous dinosaur which keeps saying the same thing in many different ways?

Roget, The Saurus!… Read the rest...

My Friend, Ed

Category: Rated G

A version of this story is in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”

I have a friend, Ed, who lives on the coast of Maine. He is a painter and works in the local boat yard. He loves birds, and every day, before he goes to work, he feeds the shore birds that come in with the morning tides. He takes the best bird seed that he can find and mixes it with vodka so the seed is thoroughly … Read the rest...