Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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The Foys (New Yawk, New Yawk)

Category: Puns, Rated G

I received this from Frank Henry of Ireland. A little long, a little contrived, but well worth it. Subsequently, Stan Kegel informed us, “This (with minor variations) is by Isaac Asimov who printed it with the story on how he originally sent it to Ed Fermin, in Asimov Laughs Again. He should be given credit for it.” Thanks, Stan.

I heard this about 10 years ago and I’ve never been able to track it down since. Here’s a quick summary…

There’s a distant planet called Sortibackenstrete, and it’s inhabited by a race of superintelligent creatures called Foys. One day a Foy was traversing the galaxy in his spaceship when it crashed, and he landed on earth. He lived here happily for hundreds of years until he fell in love with a fair maiden who unfortunately did not return his affection. This caused his health to fail, and eventually he was taken to hospital where he had an X-ray that revealed the presence of four massive hearts lined up in a row across his chest. His cardiologist, whose name was Dr. Maude Johnson tried to get him to donate his body to science. She believed that by analyzing the hearts in the event of his death, she would make important discoveries about longevity in general. Unfortunately, the Foy wasn’t having any of this because according to Sortibackenstretish legend, if a Foy died anywhere on his travels, his dead body would be beamed back through time to Sortibackenstrete — where body and spirit would be reunited and he would start to live again.

Maude was terribly frustrated at her failure to get the Foy to see sense. When she left the room her assistant whose name was Dwayne had a quiet word with the Foy and then joined Maude outside.

“What did you tell him?,” she demanded.

“I told him that if he donated his body to science, we would get maestro Harold Gassenbaum to lead his world-famous choir in a funeral dirge that would echo across the mists of time and be heard in Sortibackenstrete where his friends would prepare a new body for his old spirit. Then he would live again, and he would know that he had made a wonderful contribution to life on another planet.”

“So, did he believe you?”

“I left him to think about it.”

Just then the Foy rang the bell at his bedside and Dwayne and Maude rushed in. The Foy was very weak but he opened one eye, looked up at Maude’s assistant, and said…

… Give my big hearts to Maude, Dwayne, dismember me for Harold’s choir. Tell all the Foys in Sortibackenstrete that I will soon be there…

From Stan Kegel and Richard Lederer’s book, “The Ants Are My Friends”. “The Foys” by Isaac Asimov; “Give My Regards To Broadway; give my regards to Broadway. Remember me to Harold Square. Tell all the gang at 42nd street that I will soon be there.” from “Give My Regards To Broadway” by George M. Cohan from the musical play, “Little Tommy Jones” by George M. Cohan 1904.

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