Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Man About Town

Category: P.U.N.Y. listserv, Rated G

From Joseph Harris via: PUNY , the author is not known.


John Day was an elegant man about town. He had his routine and because his father was wealthy, and then some, that routine consisted mainly of doing nothing with elegance and style. But, as happens with even the most dedicated bachelor he reached the age where he decided an elegant marriage would be a good thing. His father had been waiting for this day for a long time because he had lined up a dynastic alliance that would offer an obscene increase in his already obscene wealth.

And so he introduced John to Amelia Knight, heiress of the N Ron chain of gem shops (“No Pearl too plain, or diamonds again?”). John didn’t mind until, just as he was ready to propose he met Tue; now she was a lovely girl – if with a name. But she was poor. Poor, you don’t know the half of it!

Her grandfather had been the senior Moreau of Moreau, Moreau, Moreau, Leeds and Moreau. But John, to his surprise and to his father’s dismay, became completely besotted. John began to show stubble on his chin and allowed ugly creases to appear in his trousers. In fact, more days than not, he looked as though he had slept in his clothes. Whole weeks went by when he did not visit his club.

Well, his father was a canny man. You don’t gather billions in one generation without. So he offered the focus of his son’s attentions an absolutely marvelous job on the other side of the world. She was to become Chief Executive of Invisibility Clothing Inc of Australia Ltd. Now these clothes are the absolute latest and employ technology that isn’t really finished yet.

They are, in fact, the absolutely perfect clothing for paranoids who believe people look right through them.

And he hurried the arrangements for the wedding he wanted. McCartney was hired to do the clothes, Bush was going to be the after-dinner speaker and Bill Clinton was going to do sax (that’s S. A. X. for the rude among you).

But, came the wedding ceremony no John – everyone was hopping mad. A week passed, month. Finally a helicopter landed on the lawn of the family home just around Thanksgiving (well, it is set in America) and out stepped John and a lady.

His father looked up from the set of accounts he was studying, waited till John came into earshot, and said: “Well, now you are back we can set up the date of your marriage. And this time you will have minders dogging your footsteps.”

“You are too late, father,” said John. “For already Tue Moreau is another Day.”

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