Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Inclement Weather in Moscow

Category: Rated G

This was posted to my shaggy list in 1995 and to this site as Soviet Shaggy Dog. It was very old then. Following this one are two newer variants.

Prior to the breakup of the Soviet Union, my wife and I had an opportunity to visit Moscow. It is a beautiful city with friendly people, all eager to help us enjoy our visit, including Rudolph Karnekov, the personal guide assigned to us by the concierge of our hotel. Moscow-born and bred and a former member of the Politburo, Rudy was very knowledgeable about the city and every aspect of Russian life, as well. We spent every moment possible out exploring the city, despite the often unpredictable Moscow weather.

One day, as we prepared to leave the hotel for a visit to a winery on the outskirts of Moscow, it began to rain/sleet/snow. I, at least, was sure it was snow. My wife was equally sure it was rain, and insisted upon a visit to a local department store, to purchase an umbrella. I thought the shopping spree was a waste of time – who needed an umbrella for a little snow? (Besides, I really wanted to get to that winery!) Well, a lengthy argument ensued which threatened to ruin the day’s excursion, until my wife suggested we defer to someone whose judgement about local weather conditions was sure to be above reproach — namely, our Muscovite guide. “After all,” my wife insisted, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, Dear!”

The next two variants came to me from Patty Esfandiari via Janice Sutton. The first has been making the rounds this year.

It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour. Rudi, the Rabbi was called upon to help solve the problem. He said, “Don’t worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!”

Sheila looks to her husband and says, “Morty…you think it’ll work?”

“Of course! As everybody knows…Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!”

And this one is by Dave Christian.

I was traveling to Seattle on business. Knowing how the weather is up there (and lacking the proper clothing), I went to a local outdoor shop for a inclement weather clothing. Not finding what I was looking for, I went to another. Then, another. Finally, a salesman suggested that I go to Rudolph’s.

“Rudolph’s?” I said, surprised. “Do you mean the Russian specialty store?”

To which the salesman answered, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain gear.”

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