Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Helsinki Discords

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

by Alan B. Combs


For many of the patrons of the alt.callahans, it is time to go into hibernation for four or five months. For others, life begins this week. Happy, happy, joy, joy — real NFL football is back!

Though, it must be admitted that there are a few souls for whom it is not true, there are those lucky ones for whom footballness is next to godliness. The rabid nature of support for one’s preferred team, the elation upon victory, and the depression engendered by loss only approach the depth and range of emotion felt during road rage. Consequently, athletes and coaches undergo great stress to produce winners. No matter how worthy scholastically or personally, there is no tenure for those that lose games (ref. Vincent Lombardi, legendary mentor, GB Packers).

One coach from a nameless midwestern university hit upon the bright idea of recruiting football players from Scandinavian countries. He hit the jackpot in that cold, cold country east of Sweden. Here there be giants, striding across the tundra in seven league boots. With the offer of an education, he was able to recruit young Bjornson, Kaajani, Linna, Saarinen, and Fennoman for the first string offensive line. These players were so massive and so effective that the coach decided to emphasize the passing game. And, it worked. No matter how heroic the effort, the defenders in their race to catch the quarterback could never cross the Finnish line.

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