Topical and Halloween-timely from the groaners listserv, some of these are very ancient, indeed.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.
What do you call a skeleton that won’t get out of bed?
Lazy Bones
What did the wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.
What was the werewolf’s first name?
Harry (Gary Hallock)
What’s black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin with a jack-o-lantern.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos. (Clynch Varnadore)
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
“How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?”
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he is always a goblin.
Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack
Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At a blood bank
What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Don’t spook until your spooken to.
What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.
Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos.
What is a ghost’s favorite ice cream flavor?
Boo-berry.
How did the ghosts dance at the Halloween ball?
Sheet to sheet. (Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)
What does a ghost eat for breakfast??
Scream of wheat! (Richard Lederer)
Ghost-Toasties (Gary Hallock) •
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on
Halloween?
Ghoul-aid
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Day scare centers. (Clynch Varnadore)
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.
What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A Boo-logna sandwich.
Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
Because if they were small and round and smooth they’d be M&Ms
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
“Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares.”
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.
“What do monsters eat?”
“Monsters eat ‘Things’.”
“What do monsters drink?”
“Monsters drink ‘Coke’.”
“Why?”
“Because ‘Things’ go better with ‘Coke’.”
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation.
How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of
humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches. (Richard Lederer and P. C.
Swanson)
Where does Dracula water ski?
In Lake Erie, off course. (Norman Gilbert)
What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts?
A Scare-ousel (Stan Kegel)
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.
What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there is a full moon?
A Were-doe (Stan Kegel)
Speaking ill of the dead is a grave mistake. (Tiff Wimberly)
Last Halloween one kid showed up at our door dressed as an IRS agent. It was very authentic. He took 40 percent of our candy.
What did the momma ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet belt .
What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed (Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson).
What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical school?
A Dead Give-away (Stan Kegel)
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o’-lantern by it’s diameter?
Pumpkin Pi. (Richard Lederer)
What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist?
A horrible par a dox (Gary Hallock)
How do you make a milk shake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell “Boo!”
I think our school is haunted. The principal is always talking about the school spirit.
Vampire to spouse, “You’ve got to face the facts, your mother is really nothing but an old bat.”
Mommy, Mommy!, the kids at school call me a werewolf!
Shut up son and go brush your face.
What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A Hoblin’ Goblin!
What happens when two vampires meet?
It is love at first bite!
What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish’s brain in the body of his dog?
I don’t know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
Why are black cats such good singers?
They’re very mewsical.
What’s a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north.
What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
Hallowieners.
Where do little ghosts learn to yell “BOO!”?
In noisery school.
What does a goblin shop for?
Grosseries.
How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.
What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones.
Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
She had to give a screech.
Alice from LA added:
Did you know that Count Dracula was a Type A personality?
Dr. Frankenstein came into my Walmart and asked where Sporting Goods was–seems he was looking for some body building equipment.