This was sent to us by my cousin Roger. It sticks in my mind that it has a certain venerable quality about it, but it’s not in the collection.

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2 miles north of the PA/MD State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn’t want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there’s no way in hell I can pass that sobriety test.”

Howell Gwin responded:

I heard it a couple years ago about a Cajun; same set-up except ol’ Boudreaux passing by says to his wife, “Sure am glad I quit drinking, because them sobriety tests have become ineluctable.”

Then Ian Mackereth responded:

G’Day

I have no idea if it’s the originator, but the ‘drunk test’ on this tale was used in the Steve Martin film “The Man with Two Brains” from 1983. One of quite a few good gags in this under-valued film, I think.