Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Despondency of the Elderly

Category: Adult Theme

This is an ancient tale. This version was sent by cousin Jo Ann Thomas.


Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to learn her heart’s exact location.

“Since you’re a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?” She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.


The version I learned long ago was about the elderly lady that called the doctor to find out the best way to commit suicide.

The doctor responded, “I can’t tell you that. What in the world do you want to do that for?

The lady replied, “I can’t tell you that, but if you don’t help me, I am likely to mess it all up.”

“Under the circumstances then, the best way is to shoot yourself in the heart. Just shoot under the left breast.”

Same ending.

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