Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Cold War (Original-Style Shaggy Dog)

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

This lovely old shaggy tale was sent to me by Howell Gwin. Sue Lemcke sent me a similar tale.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitle to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog.

The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.

“We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.”

“Da’s nothin”, said Thibideaux, the Cajun, representing the Americans. “We had our bess plastic surgins workin’ fo’ five year to make dat alligator look like a weenie dog.”

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