It was a hot summer’s day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the “Fourth of July.” He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.
Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie’s cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/star-wars-derived/
Another submission from Mike Franklin.
There is a new wine available for seniors who have problems getting up often to urinate at night —
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
I kid you not…
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/raisin-couldnt-achieve-grapeness/
Mike Franklin submitted three variants of this seasonal pun.
I used to know a guy who absolutely loved hollandaise sauce. He would buy the sharpest brand he could find and would put it on just about everything. Well it turned out that because he used the spicy sauce so much, it started to wear down a hole on the roof of his mouth. He went to a doctor and asked what he could do about it. The doctor looks at … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/seasons-greetings-said-salt-pepper/
This seasonal, somewhat shaggy submission is from Joe Blake, who says:
“A very new pun. Not sure if the rest of the world knows who Lara Bingle is, but remember Google is your friend.”
Super model, Lara Bingle, decided that she was going to introduce her new range of beauty and hygiene gel products with a super Christmas promo. For one week people would be able to attempt, in one of the upmarket trendmarkets, to guess how much a huge … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/people-afraid-saint-nick-claustrophobic/
Jim Macaulay submitted this shaggy little guy.
Some years ago, there was a man by the name of Leroy Walter Macaulay, or Lee Wally, as he was known by friends and family, that lived in the mountains of North Carolina, in a clearing just outside of Highlands, North Carolina. He lived in that clearing with his wife, Mary Sue, and his son, Cane. Lee Wally made his living making bootleg liquor, more commonly known as moonshine, in the still of … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/broken-pencil-pointless/
This is from classmate Sonya. It ended up a lot sweeter than I thought it might.
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working — in a West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/texas-sheriff-exam/
Joe Black submitted the following sci fi shaggy puppy.
Luke Skywalker was trying to convince Master Yoda that he was ready to face the Dark Side, and was begging to be given a Final Test. The Small Green One thought for a moment and said “A trial which undergo you can, but perilous it is. Though not as powerful as the Sith Lords, there is a Corps of Officers of the Empire, who are not wise in the ways of … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/may-the-farce-be-with-you/
This has the flavor of an older tale. Stan Kegel posted it on the Puns and the Shaggy Dog Yahoogroups.
There are two guys in a bar.
One says, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”
“Whoa, what the heck happened to him?” asks the other guy.
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom — He hit the curb, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/what-a-way-to-go/
Some black humor (or “humour”, as he would say) from Dave Wallace.
When Mr. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening the day after he’d lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”
“Well…tell me!” he demanded.
The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/dont-be-shellfish/
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. This wisdom was contributed by Lowrie B.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-cowboy-tombstone/
From Brother Tom Vickery.
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well”, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/golf-is-good-for-italian-men/
This is developed from a forum post I read online.
Thursday night, Eleven time Grand Slam champion Rafael Nadal lost to 100th ranked Lukas Rosol of the Czech Republic in the second round at Wimbledon. Some call it the biggest upset in tennis history, but I think they’re missing the real story.
I heard that before the final point of the match, Nadal cried out that he couldn’t believe he was losing to a Serb. After scoring, Rosol yelled out, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-backhanded-compliment/
By Alan B. Combs.
I have been thinking about how to develop this tale for over a year or so. A couple of weekends ago, the Republic of Texas Rally (aka the ROT Rally) had its annual meeting in Austin. The press has estimated that there were between 40,000 to 50,000 bikers in town. They were well-behaved and enhanced the economy and the sales of ear plugs.
It does seem to me that there are three ways that folks ride … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/how-bikers-ride/
It has been about 16 years since the sequence of jokes and commentaries about catching polar bears was posted on Tarzan’s Tripes Forever (Use the Search function). I liked it then and I still do. Lo and behold, Punster of the Year Bob Dvorak has posted a variant.
Here is Bob’s addition:
[Not original. Received this a.m., but I’ve never seen it before!]
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/14328/
Shayne sent us this version of a tale that combines equal portions of pathos and justice.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/having-a-really-really-bad-day/
Another of those “Abuse them Texans” stories.
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/testicular-pain/
This was posted on puns@yahoogroups.com. It could do as well as a St. Paddy’s Day tale.
Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main road in Gander NF, Canada.
After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/drinking-and-driving/
From the excellent Lowrie.
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s vigor and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/secrets-of-italian-bread/
Words of advice and wisdom from Bro Tom Vickery.
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example…
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/ya-gotta-trust-your-husband/
This is from Brother Tom Vickery. It has an ancient flavor to it, but it was missing from the collection.
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/how-to-get-to-heaven-from-ireland/
These words of wisdom come from Bill Pardue.
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us (not me) have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many bubbles and some rather nice chardonnay.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-holiday-warning/
This was forwarded by Ms. Scarlett.
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.’
The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, sure an’ I am!”
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’
The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So am … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/ireland-can-be-a-small-world/
Stan Kegel sent this seasonal contribution.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air;
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom;
Then splattered all over the kitchen
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor;
There was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there’d never been turkey before.
It blanketed every … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-thanksgiving-turkey/
This was submitted by Terry Tallis, for which we give thanks.
In England, where deer farms are popular, owners often were vying to attract visitors and thus getting their interest in ordering deer meet in local pubs. Many owners actually experimented with beautifying their deer by dying their fir different colors (women would fawn over these), painting their hoofs, and even hanging tassels from their horns.
But what seemed to attract more attention from the visitors, one owner was using … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/deer-cosmetics/
From Sonya. I am 25% Scandihoovian; to her honor, she’s more than that.
Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, “Leave people alone, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/da-end-iss-near/