This was submitted by Dave Wallace.
By mid-morning, Goldilocks was exhausted. After the adrenaline rush subsided, and she had made the beds and cleaned up after the bears, and made and eaten a new bowl of porridge for herself, she really need a cuppa. Earl Grey. But not any Earl Grey. The very pinnacle of Earl grey teas – Alley brand – the Choice of Emperors. She put one and a half cups of water in the kettle and set … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-three-shaggy-bears/
This is by Dr. Jake Katz.
Tell me, O twins from the land of Odysseus and Onassis, of Agnew and Apollo, O inheritors of the roles of Castor and Polydeuces: have you heard the story of how, through trickery, the Achaeans were able to pass through the impregnable walls of Ilium and bring low the Trojan defenders? Listen, then; and may I push your heads just a bit closer to the water’s surface, slightly below perhaps? No?
Well, in any … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-trojan-horse/
From Kirk Miller and posted to shaggydog@yahoogroups.com.
MEMO TO CUSTOMER SERVICE
This proves two things: 1) you’re not the only one who gets crappy service from your ISP, and 2) the Brits get better educations than most Americans, enabling them to write damned fine letters of complaint.
(NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/memo-to-customer-service/
This warning was posted a few years ago on Yahoo’s shaggy dog page.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead
for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/heaven-can-be-tricky/
This story is at least ten years old. What it doesn’t have are the TSA grabbings and pat downs.
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn’t … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/if-airlines-sold-paint-2/
This was posted on the groaners listserv.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/pizza-delivery/
From the groaners listserv, a classic shaggy dog.
THE SPROUTING BEHAVIOR OF HEAT-TREATED TIMEPIECES
A Controlled Experiment
INTRODUCTION:
Watch sprouting has been a controversial problem, complicated by popular misunderstanding of even its basic issue. This report undertakes to resolve the question definitively by careful experiment.
SUBJECTS:
60 new watches (12 each from Bulova, Casio, Rolex, Seiko, and Timex) were used, each pretested to be at least 99.9% accurate. Mechanical watches were fully wound. Electronic ones were equipped with fresh batteries.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-sprouting-behavior-of-heat-treated-timepieces/
Cousin Jo Ann brought this to our attention. Snopes.com says that many of the details about deer behavior appear authentic, but the tale is of undetermined origin. When I was at Davis (CA), the foot behavior was described to me.
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/roping-a-deer/
This rude little tale was published on the groaners listserv a few years ago.
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t quite the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-ambidexterous-golfer/
This was posted on the groaners listserv. I fits with all the other Night Before Christmas parodies.
(Author Unknown)
‘Twas the night before Halloween
and all through the crypt
EVERY creature was stirring
(except one bat who got gypped).
The monsters had gathered
to plan and prepare,
for the trick-or-treaters
who soon would be there.
Mummies unraveled and put on new wraps.
Spiders found corners and spun silky traps.
Count Dracula grinned and slicked back his hair.
Frankenstein’s bride cried, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-night-before-halloween/
This was posted by Anna Welander on pun group on yahoo.com.
It’s harder to tell navy from black.
Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you’re too old to wear it the second time around.
Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them…but your grandchildren are perfect.
Yellow becomes the big color…walls…hair…teeth.
Going out is good. Coming home is better.
When you needed the discount you had to pay full price…Now you get discounts on … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/some-observations-on-maturing-female-perspective/
This was published on the groaners listserv.
“It’s $5.37”. That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot,
I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-burritos-to-blame/
Ah! A wee bit of biting satire, but anything but politically incorrect. This was found on the groaners and shaggydog listservs. The author is unknown.
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of Endangered Owls and Rare Plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a Nurture-Giver whom she sometimes referred … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/politically-correct-little-red-riding-hood/
From the groaners listserv.
In order to hunt elephants:
A Programmer…
Begins at the tip of South Africa
Performs alternating west to east and east to west searches
Decrements the latitude argument in a non integer sequence between each search
Finds an animal
Compares found animal to a known elephant
If found animal matches known elephant terminates search, else Resumes at 3
End
An Experienced Programmer…
… Read the rest...Places an elephant in Cairo, Egypt to ensure that the search will terminate properly
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/elephant-hunting-tactics-of-various-professionals/
This shaggy tale was posted on the groaners listserv.
Old Pete Viper was a good ol’ boy. And how he loved that country music! When he heard fiddles wailing, he couldn’t hardly keep from tappin’ his shoes, hummin’ and slappin’ his thigh. And if’n the ladies were around, he just plain had to ask one of ’em to dance. If there weren’t no female women around, a broom would do.
Trouble was, when Pete had a snort too many, his … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/old-pete-viper/
This was published on the groaners listserv.
… Read the rest...I ain’t much for shopping,
Or for goin’ into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain’t too easily found.But the day came when I had to go –
I left the kids with Ma.
But ‘fore I left, she asked me,
“Would you pick me up a bra?”So without thinkin’ I said, “Sure,”
How tough could that job be?
An’ I bent down and kissed her
An’ said, “I’ll be back
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-cowboy-and-the-bra/
This instance of theological instruction was published on the groaners listserv.
The theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins.
Most obvious is the Professor, who fits pride to a T. Any man who can make a radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky.
For the sin of envy we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-seven-deadly-sins-of-gilligans-island/
Going shopping? A GI-series might be more fun. This description of how to avoid this misery was posted in the shaggydog listserv.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. But yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.
Dear … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/enforced-waiting-in-walmart/
This is an old tale that I have seen in various forms. It recently appeared on the groaners listserv. As a shaggy tale, it should be much longer, but we will let it pass for now.
Once upon a time there dwelt in Fairy Land, a particularly beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and fair of face and form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed, because he had, protruding from his navel, a silver screw.
Verily, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-silver-screw/
These helpful explanations of what we see on TV were posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
—————-
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/cartoon-laws-of-physics/
This tale has been bouncing on the internet for several years. Oh yes, it is rude, crude, unrefined, and funny. It was originally sent to me by Mel Lett.
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. “Guaranteed. Yeah, right!” he thought to himself. But … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/an-effective-weight-loss-program/
This was written a few years ago by Bob Dvorak.
Abdul came to New York City, and, as so many immigrants do, he became a
taxi driver. But he was determined to be no ordinary taxi driver… at the
end of a 15-hour workday, he went home to city street maps and tour guides,
and studied and studied.
Within a fairly short time he knew every back street; every alley; which
one-way streets went one way and which, the other. … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/abdul-the-hack/
From the groaners listserv.
An 85-year-old couple had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-60-year-marriage/
This was published on the bwjokes2 listserv. I am not completely sure that I understand the joke.
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Phart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow said, “I give 50 liters of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!!”
The Ant said “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-cow-the-ant-and-the-old-phart/
This is from Gil Krebs. It wasn’t initially an Aggie Joke, but the slight change seemed so apropos.
Three Aggie gentlemen, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, “We got to get Elmer to the hospital … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-hunters-an-aggie-joke/