All posts in category Poetry

I stole a kilt and had to plaid guilty…

This one was submitted by Mike Franklin.

This princely story made I laaaff it did. I wouldne to rob ye of such pleasure….

Prince Charles is making a hospital visit in Scotland and goes into a ward and asks the patients how they are.

The first one replies:

Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin’-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang’s my

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How to Treat Elves

This ancient, shaggy poem is attributed to Morris Bishop, and was submitted to us by Denny Adams.

I met an elf man in the woods,
The wee-est little elf!
Sitting under a mushroom tall–
‘Twas taller than himself!

“How do you do, little elf,” I said,
“And what do you do all day?”
“I dance ‘n fwolic about,” said he,
“‘N scuttle about and play;”

“I s’prise the butterflies, ‘n when
A katydid I see,
‘Katy didn’t’ I say, and … Read the rest...

Christmas Unnerving

This Holiday poem is by my Dad, Alan B. Combs.

Favorite Toys by Denomination

Thanks to Stan Kegel for this list.

Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishn:a He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican: They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox No, they were OURS first.
Lutheran: Our toys are nailed on the door.
Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism: … Read the rest...


Borborygmus — an educational limerick.

I sat with the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be.
     Her rumblings abdominal,
     Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me!

Read the rest...

The Land That Made Me, Me

Posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread … Read the rest...

New Alphabet for the Elderly

This is from bwjokes and the groaners listserv. It does not tell a happy tale.

A’s for arthritis;

B’s the bad back,

C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H high blood pressure–I’d rather it be low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, … Read the rest...

The Twelve Night’s of HALLOWEEN…

This parody was posted on the groaners listserv

On the first night of Halloween My true love gave to me… A vulture
in a dead tree!

On the second night of Halloween My true love gave to me… Two
flying bats And a vulture in a dead tree!

On the third night of Halloween My true love gave to me… Three
black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!

On the fourth night of Halloween My … Read the rest...

The Night Before Halloween

This was posted on the groaners listserv. I fits with all the other Night Before Christmas parodies.

(Author Unknown)

‘Twas the night before Halloween
and all through the crypt
EVERY creature was stirring
(except one bat who got gypped).

The monsters had gathered
to plan and prepare,
for the trick-or-treaters
who soon would be there.

Mummies unraveled and put on new wraps.
Spiders found corners and spun silky traps.
Count Dracula grinned and slicked back his hair.
Frankenstein’s bride cried, … Read the rest...

A Halloween Love Story

Published on the P.U.N.Y and the groaners listserv, this tender tale is by the incomparable punster Gary Hallock.

An ugly old minister, Hume
Too many dark peas did consume
     It killed him, that’s shown
     That’s why he’s now known
As preacher from the black legume

One night under bloody full moon
The time of the month made for woo’in
     Hume went on the prowl
     And heard his ghoul howl
And knew he cadaver real soon

Hume asked her “Would you

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The Cowboy and The Bra

This was published on the groaners listserv.

I ain’t much for shopping,
Or for goin’ into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain’t too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go –
I left the kids with Ma.
But ‘fore I left, she asked me,
“Would you pick me up a bra?”

So without thinkin’ I said, “Sure,”
How tough could that job be?
An’ I bent down and kissed her
An’ said, “I’ll be back

Read the rest...

If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing

An old classic from the groaners listserv.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index

Read the rest...

Family Relations

This hillbilly tale was posted on the groaners listserv a couple of years ago. I think it is older than that.

Suzie Pearl done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all;
She told her Pappy so,

Pappy told her, “Suzie gal,
You’ll have to find another;
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half-brother!

So Suzie put her Joe aside
And planned to marry Will,
But after

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The Craziest Language

Stan Kegel posted this to the groaners listserv. It is a nice accompaniment for the previous offering “English is Tough Stuff”. Yes. It is.

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is goose, but two are called geese.
Yet the plural of moose, should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest of mice.
But the plural of house is

Read the rest...

Why is English the Lingua Franca?


Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language … until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps,

Read the rest...

A Mathematical Limerick

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. Other mathematical limericks exist (see Google), but this is one of the most straightforward.

Can you figure out this mathematical limerick?


12 + 144 + 20 + (3 x √4)      + (5 X 11) =     92     +   0


It reads as follows:

A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
      Divided by seven
      Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared,
Read the rest...

Video: Steve Brooks, “Yoga Lady”

Punster of the Year Steve Brooks performs his song, “Yoga Lady”, to warm up the crowd for the 2010 O. Henry Pun-Off.

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Video: Steve Brooks, “What Would Molly Do?”

Steve Brooks performs his tribute to Molly Ivins at the start of the 2010 O. Henry Pun-Off.

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Video: Steve Brooks, “I Don’t Brake for BMW’s”

Steve Brooks warms up the crowd at the 2010 O. Henry Pun-Off with his song, “I Don’t Brake for BMW’s.”

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The Immortal Words of Yip Harburg

In answer to the question, “Should I write a letter to my Congressman?”

Each Congressman has got two ends,
a sitting and a thinking end,
But since his whole success depends upon his seat,
Why bother friend? … Read the rest...

Limerick Challenge No. 27

Cynthia MacGregor is the moderator for a punsters weekly limerick challenge. She says, “Your challenge for Lim-ber Your Mind #27 was: Write a limerick whose first line is:

“If happiness you are pursuing”

The entries:

If happiness you are pursuing,
Try to willing maid be a-wooing,
But hedge wedding bet,
A prenuptial get,
To help when ex-wife comes a-suing.

—-Chris Papa

If happiness you are pursuing
But your spouse has threatened her suing
Don’t run and hide
To choose a … Read the rest...

The Aardvark

A cascade from the limericks_n_haiku listserv with certain of the usual
suspects participating.

The Aardvark eats no leafy plants
No mushrooms and no succulents
Under bark his tongue
Gets vitamins among
A diet full of new tree ants

Guy Ben-Moshe


That’s aardvark but maybe you knew it
Eating ants, Oh dear me! I’d eschew it
I’d taste other critters
Who scampers and skitters
Termite be some reason to do it


The Aardvark loves his insect snack… Read the rest...

Curmudgeon’s Valentine’s Day!

This was posted on PUNY by Kirk Miller; it's very much like the old comic valentines.

Don’t Surfer Fools

A limerick by punmaster Gary Hallock

A surfer dude in Frisco bay
Can’t mix his epoxy. He’ll say
“These instructions you see
Say to mix with ‘part-B’
But where can I find the ‘Part-A?'”… Read the rest...

feghoots pa

From the archives, a commentary on the Feghoot genera of tales by Dean Day.

feghoots pa said “boy…
life is but a lie, as it were…
it builds green trees to ease our eyes
and draws us under them.
then, while we are resting in the shade
and we breathe in to say
“ah, god, how beautiful”…
that’s when the bird on the branch
lets go his droppings
and hits us on the head.”

feghoot’s thoughts, upon release,
can only … Read the rest...