All posts in category Original Feghoots

Mortared Sins….

This was sent to us from Phil Shaw. It is based on the character created by Reginald Bretnor.

Brace J. Silty, an itinerant planetary prospector, had stumbled across the ruins of an ancient and advanced civilization on one of his forays. Unfortunately for him, he was unable to access any worthwhile technology or artifacts due to the incredible durability of the dead world’s major building material. However, he was able to procure a small sample of same from an edifice … Read the rest...

Greetings (Feghoot III)

This is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the name of Grendel Briarton. I find it most interesting that the comment about television was written in 1957.

In 2884, Ferdinand Feghoot invented and marketed Dr. Feghoot’s Golden Medical Discovery, which raised all vertebrates to the intelligence level of the average TV viewer. This caused an unemployment problem of major proportions. Eventually, though, the new citizens went to work in factories or offices, hired out as domestics, or were blanketed into the … Read the rest...

Anti-Catholicism a la Feghoot (FEGHOOT II)

This is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the name of Grendel Briarton.

Soon after A Budget of Musings Afloat and Ashore, by ‘An Old Salt,’ appeared in 3412, Vice-Admiral Sir Trumpery Buckett invited Ferdinand Feghoot to visit the 18th Century and meet Madame Pompadour. Though his manner seemed odd, Feghoot accepted; and they left via the )( at the Time Travellers Club.

To Feghoot’s surprise, they emerged not in France, but on a dark London street where a mob was … Read the rest...

The Ghost (Feghoot XIX)

This Feghoot was written by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pen name of Grendel Briarton. Many variants of this particular story can be found.

In 3180, Ferdinand Feghoot found the planet called Pigg. It was worthy of note, not because all its species were civilized (which is common enough), but because the spirits of its dead remained visibly present for years, getting into the same sorts of scrapes they had when alive. This troubled the living, who were convinced that … Read the rest...

Seeing Tsars

This was posted by “The Unloved” on alt.callahans. He says it is based on an old Feghoot he remembers (based on a character created by Reginal Bretenor). In addition, it exists as the interlude between Chapter 2 and 3 to Paul de Anguera’s “A Tall Ship Tale” posted at Paul’s web site. Paul attributes the story to Paul Christopher Riler (who probably posted to alt.callahans under the Unloved nome de plume).

It is a well known fact that many of … Read the rest...

Royally Lost

This is from “geathome” [].

Had you heard that Ferdinand [Feghoot?] was attempting to help a friend with his collection of photographs taken over the years of traveling? The friend had so many albums that he labeled each with a brief title. On being asked to find a particularly valuable set, Ferdinand went immediately to the England album and took out a set. Opening the Mammal album and placing the set there, Ferdinand said, “These are the missing prints of … Read the rest...

Feghoot Undune Again

In response to a recent posting about Ferdinand Feghoot on Dune, Pun Mistress Scarlett Herzele immediately wrote the following. I am getting so jealous.

Ferdinand Feghoot, having swayed the wise man, with his wit (probably more like, slayed) ventured further into the desert. Large sand worms, notwithstanding, he persevered, seeking wisdom from the lost knight of the Round Table. He was not yet through with history. The War of the Roses did not sit quite right with him. He finally … Read the rest...

Feghoot XXXVI: Civil Rights

This is by Reginald Bretner writing under the pen name Grendel Briarton. It was published on the groaners listserve.

The Women’s Absolute Equality Party elected its first President in 2482, and set out to take over all known planets. Ferdinand Feghoot, then Governor-General of Awk-k-k-kaw in the system of Aldebaran, was ordered to accept a Mrs. Taffypull Jihad as his “Instructress,” to give her all aid while she indoctrinated the intelligent aviform natives, and finally resign his office.

Mrs. Jihad … Read the rest...

Feghoot: The Dakinis

We have not been able to track down the author of this Feghoot. It has been attributed to Adam E. Ek who says it is not his. Feghoots are based on a character created by Reginald Bretnor.

The members of the Explorers’ Club gathered at their meeting house one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping a brandy while leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel.

“Ferdinand, old boy,” shouted Sir Roger, “Back so soon from the Peoples’ Republic? Sit down … Read the rest...

The British Open (Feghoot XVIII)

By Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.

Ferdinand Feghoot almost introduced modern golf into Scotland in the reign of William the Lion (1165-1214). His time-taxi stalled, and he had to step out with his clubs. He quickly persuaded the King that he wasn’t a wizard, and soon he was ordered to teach the whole court how to play.

He was given as servants all the common folk in Dunfermline, where the links were to be. They graded, … Read the rest...

Feghoot X: The Chinese Laundry

By Reginald Bretner writing under the pen name Grendel Briarton.

It was Ferdinand Feghoot who discovered Yip Quong and persuaded him to move to the Thirty-Ninth Century.

“Mr. Yip,” he informed the Time Travelers Club, “is the greatest natural psychokineticist in all history. He put every Chinese laundry in Milwaukee 1912 out of business. He hired no help. He needed no plant or equipment. He simply sat down before a mountain of dirty old laundry, and wished it all clean, … Read the rest...

Generation of Eggs (Feghoot XVII)

By Reginald Bretnor, this was published on the groaners listserv.

To the despair of his crew, Ferdinand Feghoot remained on the planet Chroma from 3357 to 3361.

“Please, sir,” they begged. “We know how fine it must be to see all those Chromatid ladies come marching in with their cute little egg-sacs for the Communal Batch every five years. We know that each generation is all of one color, fuchsia or mauve or dark green, or whatever, and that bright, … Read the rest...

Feghoot: The Fraud

Based on a character by Reginald Bretner, this was published on the groaners listserv.

It was Ferdinand Feghoot who, in 2839, averted the greatest fraud in all history. The twin worlds of Gyppo and Pigeon Drop had the highest mutation rate ever known. Their inhabitants provided freaks for the galaxy’s sideshows, and specialized in revolting “wild man” acts, swallowing live hair-slugs from Lovecraft 14, and biting the heads off wet, wriggling slurbwinders. They were notorious for their rigged games and … Read the rest...

More Baker Street Irregulars

Bill Whalen says, “A number of years ago the New York Times Magazine did a series on this genre. Here’s an effort I submitted (it was not published….)”

In his retirement, in an effort to add to his comfort, Ferdinand Feghoot took a position as companion to an elderly country priest. They enjoyed each other’s company and got along well.

Feghoot would handle many of the chores around the house, shopping and cleaning and preparing the meals. His room mate … Read the rest...

Feghoot Woody

By Alan B. Combs — based on a character created by Reginald Bretnor.

Ferdinand Feghoot visited the planet Sycamore y Robles during the end of the breeding season of the year 3725. The many high mountains were in flower and they were particularly beautiful that season. The termite-like inhabitants were large by Terran standards, the queens sometimes encompassing the length and breadth of a 21st Century American soccer field.

After traditional nuptials culminated by eating of the drained drones, the … Read the rest...

Feghoot XLVIII: T. V.

This Feghoot is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pen name Grendel Briarton. Stan Kegel posted it to the Groaners listserv.

In 1962, the heads of three major TV networks begged Ferdinand Feghoot to advise them. “Freedom of speech is at stake!” cried A. Cerberus Mishmash. “Besides, we all shall lose money! It’s That Man, Norman Minow! He’s forced me to cancel Rape West of the Pecos, a nice clean family show, no nakedness in it!”

“That’s right,” put in … Read the rest...

Space War

This is from Gilbert Krebs , and it was published on the groaners listserv. It really is a Feghoot, though, isn’t it?

In the 23rd century the solar system was wracked by constant warring between the fragmented states of the Asteroid Belt. Particularly successful in these wars was one tribe (I’ll call them Joes) which managed to total up a surprising war record despite its amazingly primitive weaponry through sheer ferocity.

After having dispatched a fleet from a rival nation … Read the rest...

Feghoot on Broadweigh

By Alan B. Combs, based upon a character created by Reginald Bretnor.

Ferdinand Feghoot and Fleet Officer Worf were accidently marooned on the planet Broadweigh. They were able to bring only a few artifacts with them. Feghoot had some red and white pieces of felt cloth, and Worf was carrying a large, hollow ruby called the Eye of Klingon. This important jewel was to be delivered to the Klingon government as a token of fealty by one of the powerful … Read the rest...

The Cabbynet Maker

This Feghoot is by Clynch Varnadore and it was posted on the Groaners and PUNY listservs.

During a period of time in Ferdinand Feghoot’s life in which he was feeling particularly morose and depressed, he took a visit to London’s late 1800’s period. The soot, fog and bad morale of the commoners suited his mood, and he felt quite at home.

On his trip, he decided to do a little sight-seeing and so he hailed a cab. This cabbie was … Read the rest...

An Herb is an Herb is an Herb

Bob Levi says, “Here’s a feghoot that I created while taking a shower recently. I do some of my best thinking under water.”

At the beginning of the 20th century, famed British botanist, Lord Ramsbottom, successfully hybridized a cumin plant with a strain of coriander. The results was a cultivar that had a very unusual and highly desirable seed. The plant, when exhibited at local shows, won many awards. Lord Ramsbottom was so thrilled with his new hybrid that he … Read the rest...

Feghoot Meets Tarzan

This is the actual Feghoot for which Brian’s and my Shaggy Dog home page is named. It is by By F. M. Busby based on the character by Reginald Bretnor. It won Fourth Prize in a Feghoot contest (copyright (c) 1973 by Mercury Press. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, 1973.) I have always thought it should have done much better.

Ferdinand Feghoot sadly reported the fate of the Reverend Elmo Milldrip to the Peoria … Read the rest...

Shocking Music (Feghoot No. LVI)

The Feghoot series is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.

The natives of Qsgg III, besides being exceedingly vain of their sciences and arts, were the busiest non-humanoids in the galaxy. In their desire to excel, they produced new theories and gadgets by the hundreds of thousands, created astounding new architectures, made mobiles, painted, and composed concerti from morning to night.

Only in the performing arts were they really inferior, and they struggled for years to … Read the rest...

Feghoot’s Bride (Feghoot XXVII)

This is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.

In 2263, Ferdinand Feghoot and his beautiful wife landed on Blaupunkt, a backwoods planet where thousands of construction hands, crewmen, and scientists had been marooned for six years. They at once fell madly in love with her. Luckily, one of their scientists had perfected a matter duplicator which could duplicate living beings as easily as ten-credit bills. The duplicates were shy on intelligence, but the Feghoots’ hosts didn’t … Read the rest...

Feghoot XXXVII: Feghoot Shipwrecked

By Reginald Bretnor as Grendel Briarton

In 2631, Ferdinand Feghoot found himself spaceshipwrecked on the fifth planet of Schimmelhorn III. The only other survivor was Dr. Jacqueline Cusp, the famous biologist, advocate of parthenogenesis, author of the popular work entitled “All Men Are Beasts”, and founder of a female movement which required its members to wear Mother Hubbards and full masks at all times.

In the wreck, their clothing had been almost completely burned off, but Feghoot, whose chivalry was … Read the rest...

Feghoot XI: Fishy Feghoot

This was written by Reginald Bretnor under the penname of Grendel Briarton.

It was Ferdinand Feghoot who, in 3312, first proved that fish were highly intelligent and that men could converse with them. He was accorded the honor of signing the ensuing Treaty of Peace, Amity, Commerce, and Navigation which was also endorsed by an imposing elderly shark.

“I spent seventeen months eavesdropping on fish conversations and analyzing their language,” he told reporters after the ceremony. “Then I slipped overboard … Read the rest...