All posts in category Original Feghoots

The Penzione

An actual, original feghoot. I haven’t posted one in a long time. (By Reginald Bretnor writing under the pen name Grendel Briarton.)


For years, Ferdinand Feghoot maintained an affectionate relationship
with Mrs. Pigafetta, a middle-aged Sicilian mermaid who kept a
penzione for shipwrecked sailors on an island near Taranto.

On summer evenings, they sat together at the door of her commodious
waterside cavern, singing sentimental operatic arias.

Then once, on arriving, he found her in tears.

“Cberubino mio,” she sobbed, … Read the rest...

feghoots pa

From the archives, a commentary on the Feghoot genera of tales by Dean Day.


feghoots pa said “boy…
life is but a lie, as it were…
it builds green trees to ease our eyes
and draws us under them.
then, while we are resting in the shade
and we breathe in to say
“ah, god, how beautiful”…
that’s when the bird on the branch
lets go his droppings
and hits us on the head.”

feghoot’s thoughts, upon release,
can only … Read the rest...

Feghoot XXXIV

The Feghoot series is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.


In 2927, Ferdinand Feghoot rescued Vaila, a minor planet in the Hebridean System, from a plague of rats who had left a doomed Cassiopeian freighter. On Vaila, no cat could live, so nothing threatened them. “What can we do, sir?” asked the Laird.

“You can make robot cats,” Feghoot answered. He designed them, and the natives began turning them out. They killed rat after rat; and … Read the rest...

Feghoot XXXIII

The Feghoot series is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.


Ferdinand Feghoot was the greatest irrigation engineer in all history. He brought water to Mars by diverting icebergs from the trans-Plutonian asteroid belts. He piped fresh ammonia to the deserts of Capella XIII, where valuable crystalline music- plants grow. He almost settled the water dispute between Northern and Southern Calfunya.

But his hardest task came on Lushmeadow Acres, a small planet sold to a colony of … Read the rest...

FEGHOOT XXXII

The Feghoot series is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.


FEGHOOT XXXII The Feghoot series is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.

In 3285, Ferdinand Feghoot solved the famous riddle of the graffiti of Amis, the Planet of Ruins.

“Imagine it!” cried his friend, Arch-Archaeologist Kingsley. “Thousands of scholars have tried to elucidate them, all in vain! Even I have only been able to identify the components. That stylized female figure clearly … Read the rest...

Feghoot XXX

The Feghoot series is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.


It was Ferdinand Feghoot who saved one of Civilization’s noblest works of piety and learning, the great Summa Theologica of St. Thomas Aquinas, for posterity.

In 4282, the Cardinal-Prefect of Alternate Time Tracks told him that young Thomas, instead of studying hard, was succumbing to an earthly temptation, a seemingly innocent one smuggled to him by a time-travelling Occamist agent from the 34th Century.

Immediately, Feghoot … Read the rest...

Feghoot XXIX

The Feghoot series is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.


In 3229, when Ferdinand Feghoot arose to deliver his famous report to the Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History, his reception was hostile.

“Feghoot,” cried Dr. Corydon Bramahpootra, the President, “is it not the purpose of our Society to make all history Classically perfect, as though Gibbon himself had composed it? To change every event that is crude, inartistic? When we sent you back to … Read the rest...

Feghoot XXVIII

This is by M.T. Cicero McIntyre whose submission was part of a Feghoot contest in the Magazine of Fantasy and Science fiction in the late 1960s. The original Feghoots were by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonymn of Grendel Briarton. The are many derivative tales on this pun. It is remarkable how well this particular story holds up.


Dr. Gropius Volkswagen, the philologist, was the one man who disliked Ferdinand Feghoot’s ravishing cousin, Isabeau Feghoot. “Isabeau indeed!” he would grumble. … Read the rest...

High Admiral Feghoot (FEGHOOT XXVI)

The long series of Feghoot tales was written by Reginald Bretnor under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.


Ferdinand Feghoot was the only man to hold a high rank in the Navy during the Missourian Monarchy (2504-2622 A. D.) He actually attained supreme command, flying the flag of High Admiral of the Blue, and so ranking all the female High Admirals. Except in one case, his tact and personal charm at once dissolved all jealousy and ill-feeling.

This exception was his … Read the rest...

Respect for Elders (FEGHOOT XXV)

The long series of Feghoot tales was written by Reginald Bretnor under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton. This story is credited with thanks to Lenore Sellers.


Ferdinand Feghoot, accompanied by his then youngest son, aged eight, rediscovered the curious planet of Robo-Cathay in 7282. He told the boy how its mechanical wonders had been created by refugees from what had been Communist China millenia before, and how man had abandoned it to the robots during the Thousand Year Plague. He … Read the rest...

The Diplomats (FEGHOOT XXIII)

These tales, “Through Time and Space with Ferdinand Feghoot” were by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Gredel Briarton.


In 3270, Ferdinand Feghoot’s star-drive broke down while he and a person named Lodowick Goor were serving as Couriers for the Greater Galactic Th’lgian Empire. With the ship helplessly drifting, he struggled to make the repairs. In three weeks the food was exhausted, and they faced seemingly certain starvation. Soon the unhappy Goor was eyeing the diplomatic pouch hungrily.

Th’lgian … Read the rest...

Dzop Eggs (FEGHOOT XXIV)

The Feghoot series is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.


Ferdinand Feghoot placed himself in great peril when he explored the dry-jungle valleys of Golightly III, and discovered the dzop, the strange flying bird-plants that breed there. The indigenous aborigines killed every stranger, stuffed him with dzop feather-leaves, and set him up as one of their innumerable charms. To get by, Feghoot had to pose as an almost omnipotent charm maker, and everything went along … Read the rest...

Almost Human

This Feghoot is based on the character invented by Reginald Bretnor. It was posted by Dave Coble. The author is unknown.


The first expedition to Alpha Centauri had finally returned. The leader of the expedition, Captain Feghoot, was making his report to his superior.

“So, Feghoot, did you find any indigenous life?”

“Yes sir. Intelligent life, in fact. And what’s more, they were almost completely identical to humans, except for one thing.”

“Almost? What do you mean?”

“Well sir, they … Read the rest...

Toll Call (Feghoot XII)

This feghoot was written by Reginald Bretnor under the pen name of Grendel Briarton.


Ferdinand Feghoot was a close friend of the Very Reverend William Ralph Inge. His time shuttle was installed in a back bedroom of St- Pauls Deanery, and the Gloomy Dean knew perfectly well that he came from the future. (Indeed, his tale of coming events was largely responsible for the nickname.)

“My boy,” the Dean said one day, “couldnÕt we take a jaunt in your time … Read the rest...

Initiations (Feghoot XXI)

These many chapters of “Through Time and Space with Ferdinand Feghoot” were written by Reginald Bretnor under the pseudonymn of Grendel Briarton. This one was written with thanks to Dan Kelly.


When Ferdinand Feghoot was rejuvenated in 4128, a slight error brought him out as an apple-cheeked boy of eleven. As such he was legally an incompetent orphan, and his guardians procured him a berth as midshipman in the Space Navy.

The hard-bitten crew made him the butt of many … Read the rest...

Feghoot: Cats

This story is based upon the tales by Reginald Bretnor. The author is unknown.


The humans of Onderdonck III were decidedly decadent. The felines, on the contrary, had mutated and progressed very rapidly. When Ferdinand Feghoot arrived there, in 3708, cats had almost all the good jobs, especially in Government service, and relations between the two species were definitely strained.

At this juncture, a young chap named Thomas Meow-wrreow was arrested for causing the death of a human called Petrus … Read the rest...

Horror Movies (Feghoot XX)

Ferdinand Feghoot is a character created by Reginald Bretnor writing under the name of Grendel Briarton. This particular tale was published as Feghoot XX with thanks to Laurence Gurney.


Ferdinand Feghoot produced the greatest horror movies of all time in the late 1970’s. He discovered the dreadful Karkas Gabor working as an obscure undertaker’s assistant in Budapest; and his werewolves, vampires, zombies, bakemono, and things that went bump in the night were so real that he was threatened with several … Read the rest...

The Luau (Feghoot VI)

There are many variations on this pun, some already in this collection. This one is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonymn of Grendel Briarton.


In 3299, Ferdinand Feghoot took his youngest son to Hawaii 1960 for a real old fashioned luau. They both wore aloha shirts, and their telepathic translator was disguised as a coconut. “Remember,” warned Feghoot. “Do just what they do.”

He adjusted the time-bulb to return in four hours-and presto! there they were. Sure enough, a … Read the rest...

The Gold Standard (Feghoot LXXXII)

By Thomas C. Gutheil, M. D., based on a character by Reginald Bretnor. This won First Prize in a Feghoot contest sponsored by the Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction in 1973.


When the Galactic Senate announced, in 2366, that all planets would vote on whether or not to abandon the silver standard, no one was as alarmed as W. J. Bryan Rothschild of New Comstock, a world known as the financial hub of the universe. He at once summoned … Read the rest...

On the Planet Called Egg (Feghoot XVI)

This is by Reginald Bretner writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.


It was in 3008 that Ferdinand Feghoot, singlehanded, rescued the Reverend Mahatma G. Birdshot from the primitive humanoids of the planet called Egg, who had decided to kill him.

The Eggians took to Feghoot at once. They brought him fresh fish, fruit, and strong native beer. They gave him a bevy of their fattest, most beautiful maidens to dance the notorious erotic dances of Egg for his benefit. … Read the rest...

The Diva (Feghoot LIX)

This tale is by Reginald Bretner using Grendel Briarton as a pen name.


Like George Washington, Ferdinand Feghoot could not tell a lie. This was dramatically demonstrated in 2362, when he rescued Magda Millsap-Borgia, most famous and beautiful of operatic sopranos, from the clutches of Adrian Haggis, an infamous booking agent who, through illegal time-travelling connections, kidnaped great female voices from the past and the future. Because of him, the Twentieth Century was renowned for having more super-sopranos than any … Read the rest...

Deadly Weaponry (Feghoot XV)

What I find very fascinating is how apropos Reginald Bretnor’s Feghoots can be today, especially in these times.


In August 3188, Ferdinand Feghoot saved Earth from a trans-temporal invasion by the Thutians, an uncouth race from the wrong side of the Coalsack.

Learning of their intentions, he presented himself at their Chief of Staff’s office disguised as a Martian mroof trader. These persons having been everywhere, he was cordially welcomed. The Chief of Staff asked him at once whether Earth … Read the rest...

Too Much Violins (Feghoot XIII)

Another of the original Feghoots by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonymn of Grendel Briarton.


In 2961, Ferdinand Feghoot persuaded the Council of Worlds to admit Little Stravinsky. After Hassan ben-Sabah had finished denouncing that planet, he said:

“Gentlemen, our learned colleague has accused the Little Stravinskians of ‘the utmost barbarity’ — even though they have achieved automation and space travel. Why? because they cling to their old, picturesque customs. They shackle their King to his throne with a Chair … Read the rest...

Supermom (Feghoot LXXXIV)

This is by Paul Major, based on a character by Reginald Bretnor It won third Prize in a Feghoot contest sponsored by the Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction in 1973.


At the end of the Missourian Momarchy, when its Women’s Lib origins were forgotten and it had fallen under the absolute dictatorship of Supermom, Ferdinand Feghoot faced one of his most dangerous decisions. Supermom (actually Hattie Lou Schultz) had been fertile, producing eighteen healthy babies, most of whom Feghoot … Read the rest...

Smog (Feghoot VII)

By Reginald Bretnor writing under the pen name Grendel Briarton.


In 3588, the space liner Asimov Maru was forced down on a seemingly unknown planet. Her interstellar transmitters were wrecked and her supplies were all ruined.

Her captain sought out Ferdinand Feghoot, who luckily was one of the passengers. “Please help us,” he begged.

For a moment, Feghoot regarded the landscape. Then, “Bring baskets and a bit iron griddle,” he ordered. “Follow me!”

They obeyed. For hours, they trudged over … Read the rest...