This has the flavor of an older tale. Stan Kegel posted it on the Puns and the Shaggy Dog Yahoogroups.
There are two guys in a bar.
One says, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”
“Whoa, what the heck happened to him?” asks the other guy.
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom — He hit the curb, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/what-a-way-to-go/
From Kirk Miller and posted to shaggydog@yahoogroups.com.
MEMO TO CUSTOMER SERVICE
This proves two things: 1) you’re not the only one who gets crappy service from your ISP, and 2) the Brits get better educations than most Americans, enabling them to write damned fine letters of complaint.
(NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/memo-to-customer-service/
This warning was posted a few years ago on Yahoo’s shaggy dog page.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead
for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/heaven-can-be-tricky/
From the groaners and shaggy dog listservs.
Two cadets at an Arizona Air force academy were bragging in their off time about what good hunters they were. Well, it seems that they decided to have a contest, and whoever won the contest would be accounted the better hunter. To make the things a little more interesting, they each put up a pint of the best whiskey they could find.
There had been rumors that a lion had escaped the local … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-contest/
Ah! A wee bit of biting satire, but anything but politically incorrect. This was found on the groaners and shaggydog listservs. The author is unknown.
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of Endangered Owls and Rare Plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a Nurture-Giver whom she sometimes referred … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/politically-correct-little-red-riding-hood/
This political tale was published on the groaners listserve a few years ago.
George Dubya Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his
brain scan.
The doctor says, “Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First,
we have discovered that your brain has two sides, the left side and
the right side.”
Bush interrupted, “Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? Doesn’t everyone
have two sides to their brain?”
The doctor replied, “Yes, Mr. President, but … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/dubyas-brain-scan/
This instance of theological instruction was published on the groaners listserv.
The theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins.
Most obvious is the Professor, who fits pride to a T. Any man who can make a radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky.
For the sin of envy we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-seven-deadly-sins-of-gilligans-island/
Going shopping? A GI-series might be more fun. This description of how to avoid this misery was posted in the shaggydog listserv.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. But yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.
Dear … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/enforced-waiting-in-walmart/
This shaggy, shaggy tale was posted on the groaners listserv. Be thee warned.
One Monday, a man goes into a pub for lunch. He orders his lunch and a pint from the barman, and takes a seat.
He’s never been there before, and is therefore quite surprised when, all of a sudden, a spider runs out of the kitchen, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-spider/
I think this improbable story is old, but there certainly are modern elements added to it. Stan Kegel posted it on the shaggydog listserve. It reminds me that no head shall be higher than the King’s.
Be it known that in the ancient Kingdom of Siam a most ingenious method was employed in the selection of a ruler. It was not only a marvelous system but, in a sense, a democratic one. The old King died, and a new one … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/king-of-siam/
This very shaggy story was sent to the shaggydog listserv by Stan Kegel. He also sent a different tale with a similar punchline (see below).
Back in P.E.I. [a small Canadian province], where I was raised, there are few sporting heroes; Rick Vaive used to be one, but then he joined the Leafs [a hockey team]. In any event, whatever happens to the rest of her heroes, the tale of Albert the Moth, from Alberton P. E.I., will long live … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/albert-the-moth/
From the Shaggydog listserv
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone’s surprise went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area, which was about the size of Massachusetts.
There were millions of people living in tents. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, a staffer in his late teens … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/when-bill-gates-died/
From William Brabant; this was posted by Stan Kegel on the shaggy dog listserv.
If you didn’t see this on the Tonight show, I hope you’re sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates…. but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.
This was on the “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno. Jay went into the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/an-embarrassing-date/
This was posted on the shaggydog listserv. I should have such troubles.
Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their 50th wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision.
“Bernie,” she says, “I’m going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don’t like ships because you got seasick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-kosher-cruise/
This version was posted on the ShaggyDog listserv. It features Steven Spielberg, but it is much older than that. I first heard it in high school about a Cecil B. DeMille epic movie — with Charlton Heston, of course.
Steven Spielberg was filming his latest movie in the heart of the Amazon rain forest.
The costs involved in transporting tons of movie making equipment into the heart of the jungle were enormous. He literally had a cast of thousands to … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-movie-epic/
This was posted on the shaggy dog listserv.
Q: Who was the goddess of night?
A: Nox.
Q: Who?
A: Nox.
Q: Who?
A: NOX! NOX!
Q: Who’s there?
Q: Who’s Jupiter’s Wife?
A: Juno.
Q: No, that’s why I asked.
Huh? OK, one more.
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek
god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting
Roman deities — Ceres, the goddess of agriculture,
and Janus, the two-faced god of … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/from-the-roman-internet-oracle/
This was posted on the shaggy dog listserv. The author is not known.
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doin’ what most old cowboys do — complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives. They weren’t exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing. And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/worst-wives/
This was posted by Bruce NoLastName to the Shaggydog listserv.
In the early 1800s, an old Jewish merchant had to go to Omaha on business. He presented himself to the stagecoach office and asked, “How much ah teeket to Omaha?”
The clerk responded, “$5.00.”
“Too much!” he complained. “Anyvay, I ain’t got $5.00; I only got $2.00, so dere!”
“Well you ain’t goin ta Omaha for $2.00, so forget it!” said the clerk.
“Liss’n, I got ta get ta Omaha; … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/riding-shotgun/
This is another of those tales I long remember, from high school at the latest. This version was posted on the shaggydog listserv. The author is not known.
Neil Smythe, Professor of Sexual Physiology at Oxford, was lecturing his class. “And so, gentlemen, as you can see through a consideration of the anatomical possibilities, there are precisely seventy-six distinct positions possible in the sex act. If we classify these positions – -”
At this point, however, a deferential French student … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/positions/
This classic tale was posted by Randall Woodman on the shaggydog listserv. The author is not known.
Paul wanted to get away from it all, so he set off to explore the world. After having a fine time in Europe, and a couple of months in Spain, he ended up in the Amazon. He wandered around for a few weeks, and then decided to really explore it. He walked for miles and miles, eating fruit and any animals he could … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-monastery-an-original-style-shaggy-dog-story/
Another seasonal pun posted on the shaggy dog listserv. The author is not known.
A much-maligned character of Greek mythology, a harpy (who is half predatory bird, half woman) was flying cautiously along the precipice of a cliff, wistfully gazing at the yew forests which grew at the foot of the sheer granite.
Her once-remarkable sensory powers were dulled by countless millennia. In her prime, she could clearly visualize the drops of sea foam in the beard of a distant … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-harpy/
This tale was published on the shaggy dog listserv.
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-witchs-curse/
This is an ancient shaggy dog story that was recently posted on the Shaggydog listserv. I first heard it in grammar school as “The Coosh Maker”– same story, however.
There once was a sailor returning to his ship. Just as he approached the edge of the dock, he slipped and fell into the water between ship and dockside. As he hit the water, the ship began to swing toward the harbor wall, and he would have been crushed to death … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-gloop-makercoosh-maker/
This was on the shaggy dog listserv. It is an original-style shaggy dog story. You are warned.
A couple were going to buy their first home. They went to a contractor, and decided to have one custom built.
Well, about 6 weeks later, they go with the contractor to inspect the finished house. They go through all the bedrooms, the kitchen, bathrooms, study, foyer, everything. Finally, they get to the east wing.
On the third floor, they notice in the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-new-house/
This was posted by Stan Kegel on the shaggy dog listserve at egroups.com.
Sometimes there’s not much work around. In times like these, this is often especially true for ventriloquists. One day, two out-of-work ventriloquists are talking on the phone to each other and lamenting their condition. The older one says, “Just between you and me, I’ve been moonlighting lately as a medium.”
The young ventriloquist is quite impressed. “Really?” he says. “I didn’t know that you were psychic!”
“Well, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/part-time-work/