All posts in category Gaggle of Groaners listserv

Halloween Riddles Part 2

These are from the groaners listserv.

Why did the skeleton go to the hospital ?

To have his ghoul stones removed !

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain ?

He could feel it in his bones !

What do you call a skeleton who won’t get up in the mornings ?

Lazy bones !

What do boney people use to get into their homes ?

Skeleton keys !

What happened to the boat that sank in … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 1

From the groaners listserv.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?

So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

His ghoul friend (Clynch Varnadore)

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

To improve his bite

Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?

It had no body to dance with.

Whom did the ghost invite to his party?

Anyone he could dig up.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they

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The Budget Lion Tamer

This is from the groaners listserv.

Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said, the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion’s mouth.

When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses.

He called the Lion … Read the rest...

Welcome to the Mental Health Telephone Helpline

This was posted on the groaners listserv.

Welcome to the Mental Health Telephone Helpline.

Please note that due to a shortage of rooms, today’s Agoraphobia Workshop has been moved to the Picnic Area.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.

If you are in denial, please press

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Crossing The Vampire Tale Five (aka Dracula Walks)

This is from “David 40”. It was published on the groaners listserv. Following the current Halloween motif, you are invited to look up the previous four tales.

Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary’s in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women’s necks.

He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He … Read the rest...

Halloween Monster

By Gill Krebs.

Halloween is a time when we conjure up visions of all manner of ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggety beasties.

The most popular of these grotesques is the Frankenstein monster, not to be confused with Victor Frankenstein, his creator.

Despite his evil reputation, Dr. Victor Frankenstein actually had a good sense of humor; he kept his monster in stitches. Frankenstein was also a philanthropist because he founded the first organ donor program – a dead giveaway to his … Read the rest...

Halloween Story: The Ghost

This tale is by Sir Richard Burton. Yes, that one.

A friend of mine once spent a night in an old house that reputedly was haunted by the spirit of Sir John de Bermingham.

He did this for a bet, armed only with advice on what to do should he encounter Sir John: He must hum a certain passage by Mozart, but under no circumstances. leave it unfinished or the wretched wraith would then wreak terrible vengeance.

Should he succeed … Read the rest...

Rules for Women

This companion-piece for the Rules for Men posting was posted on the groaners listserv.

The Franklin Factor:

Early to bed and early to rise means it’s time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race:

If there’s one rat in a room full of nice men, he’ll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription:

Don’t wear your glasses on a blind date.
You’ll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule:

A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call:


Read the rest...

The Oklahoma Quarters

From the groaners listserv. Though it wouldn’t work, as such, it’s almost an Aggie Joke.


Hang on to any of the new State of Oklahoma quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U. S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Oklahoma quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

“We are recalling all the new Oklahoma quarters that were recently issued,”

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The Burrito’s To Blame

This was published on the groaners listserv.

“It’s $5.37”. That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot,

I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to … Read the rest...

Bennie The Rod

From the groaners listserv.

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available.

He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand … Read the rest...

The Crab

This is from the groaners listserv.

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

“It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight.”

“Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.”

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share … Read the rest...

Elephant Hunting Tactics Of Various Professionals

From the groaners listserv.

In order to hunt elephants:

A Programmer…

Begins at the tip of South Africa
Performs alternating west to east and east to west searches
Decrements the latitude argument in a non integer sequence between each search
Finds an animal
Compares found animal to a known elephant
If found animal matches known elephant terminates search, else Resumes at 3

An Experienced Programmer…

Places an elephant in Cairo, Egypt to ensure that the search will terminate properly

Read the rest...

Old Pete Viper

This shaggy tale was posted on the groaners listserv.

Old Pete Viper was a good ol’ boy. And how he loved that country music! When he heard fiddles wailing, he couldn’t hardly keep from tappin’ his shoes, hummin’ and slappin’ his thigh. And if’n the ladies were around, he just plain had to ask one of ’em to dance. If there weren’t no female women around, a broom would do.

Trouble was, when Pete had a snort too many, his … Read the rest...

The Cowboy and The Bra

This was published on the groaners listserv.

I ain’t much for shopping,
Or for goin’ into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain’t too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go –
I left the kids with Ma.
But ‘fore I left, she asked me,
“Would you pick me up a bra?”

So without thinkin’ I said, “Sure,”
How tough could that job be?
An’ I bent down and kissed her
An’ said, “I’ll be back

Read the rest...

The Seven Deadly Sins Of Gilligan’s Island

This instance of theological instruction was published on the groaners listserv.

The theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins.

Most obvious is the Professor, who fits pride to a T. Any man who can make a radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky.

For the sin of envy we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little … Read the rest...

The Beginning of Life

A theological discussion from the groaners listserv.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi all died at the same time and met at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter stood before the locked gates and looked upon them sternly. “I have been reviewing your lives,” St. Peter began, “You’ve all done a remarkable job leading exemplary lives. However, before I can allow any of you to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you each must answer one question.”

Peter turned towards the … Read the rest...

The Aggie Hunters

This tale is from Gill Krebs. I think it may be an old one.

Three Aggie gentlemen, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest.  As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, “We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he’s gonna … Read the rest...

Enforced Waiting in Walmart

Going shopping? A GI-series might be more fun. This description of how to avoid this misery was posted in the shaggydog listserv.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. But yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.

Dear … Read the rest...

The Silver Screw

This is an old tale that I have seen in various forms. It recently appeared on the groaners listserv. As a shaggy tale, it should be much longer, but we will let it pass for now.

Once upon a time there dwelt in Fairy Land, a particularly beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and fair of face and form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed, because he had, protruding from his navel, a silver screw.

Verily, … Read the rest...

Cartoon Laws of Physics

These helpful explanations of what we see on TV were posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.

Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II

Any body in motion … Read the rest...

Felix The Frog

This shaggy tale was posted on the groaners listserv. I think it works about as well as a political statement.

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich.

“Felix!” he said one day, hit by sudden inspiration, “We’re going to be rich! I will teach you to fly!”

Felix, of … Read the rest...

The Ten Year Reunions

Posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. As Garfield says….

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View … Read the rest...

Questions That Answer Themselves (A List)

These are from the groaners listserv.

Is that a cul-de-sac?

No way.

What’s a novel?

Well, you see, it’s kind of a long story..

Do you ever wonder what eternity means?

All the time..

What is a distraction?

A distraction is..oh look! A bird..

What does ambiguous mean?

Could mean anything, I guess..

Do you worship regularly?

Yes. Religiously.

What is perception?

What’s it to you?.

What does condescending mean?

Sit down and I’ll explain it to you in simple

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Stupid Questions (a List)

From David Curly to the groaners listserv.

Stupid Questions . . .  The most complete list in one place!

A stitch in time saves nine what?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Afer they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Are female moths called myths?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say

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