All posts in category Gaggle of Groaners listserv

Pizza Delivery

This was posted on the groaners listserv.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on June 1, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Rated G, Shaggy Dogs
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 1, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/pizza-delivery/

Dessert at Canard Falls

This tale by Terry Morrison was published on the groaners listserv.

The annual Chefs’ Convention was the highlight of the year for the town of Canard Falls. Preparations for the big event began well in advance and nearly every one of ‘the Falls’ 9,326 inhabitants had a hand in it, even the children.

When the big day arrived, as it invariably did each year, it signalled the beginning of three full days of fun frivolity and feasting. People ate so … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on June 1, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated PG-13, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 1, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/dessert-at-canard-falls/

Ordeal of Sir Galahad

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.

When knighthood was in flower and power and young gallants wassailed around King Arthur’s round table, it was their wont to keep in practice by rescuing damsels from dragons and other beasts, human or otherwise.

When they has saved all the maidens worth saving, they went to seek other adventures such as heading east to find the Holy Grail.

Of all the incredible tales now told of those days, none … Read the rest...

1 Comment
by on March 29, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 29, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/ordeal-of-sir-galahad/

The Sprouting Behavior of Heat-Treated Timepieces

From the groaners listserv, a classic shaggy dog.

THE SPROUTING BEHAVIOR OF HEAT-TREATED TIMEPIECES
A Controlled Experiment

INTRODUCTION:

Watch sprouting has been a controversial problem, complicated by popular misunderstanding of even its basic issue. This report undertakes to resolve the question definitively by careful experiment.

SUBJECTS:

60 new watches (12 each from Bulova, Casio, Rolex, Seiko, and Timex) were used, each pretested to be at least 99.9% accurate. Mechanical watches were fully wound. Electronic ones were equipped with fresh batteries.… Read the rest...

No Comments
by on March 5, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Dogs
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 5, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-sprouting-behavior-of-heat-treated-timepieces/

Politically Correct NFL Teams

From the groaners listserv. Assuming there is a season next year, the following is likely to happen.

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced yesterday its name changes for the upcoming season, as well as the first week’s schedule that includes:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on February 27, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Puns, Rated G
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 27, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/politically-correct-nfl-teams/

The Show Must Go On

This is by Terry Morrison.

Even though class was well underway, not a sound could be heard coming from the fifth floor classroom.

Inside, seven students practised their craft with uncanny precision, lifting huge panes of glass, bumping into unseen obstacles and walking, or more correctly, being walked by invisible dogs on just as invisible leashes.

Being a mime required countless hours of energy-sapping dedication as each tiny movement was repeated over and over to create the desired effect. They … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on February 21, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 21, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-show-must-go-on/

On Becoming a Teacher

There are many that will understand exactly what this tale from the groaners listserv is about.

Once there was a man named Nathan. He wanted very much to be a teacher. So he went to seek the advice of the wisest, most highly respected counselor in the land.

“Wise counselor,” Nathan began, “it has always been my dream to be a teacher. I want to stimulate the minds of the young people of our land. I want to lead them … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on February 21, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 21, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/on-becoming-a-teacher/

Computer Gender

Another salvo in the war between the sexes, this punishment was posted on the groaners listserv.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE

5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.

3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.

2. They’re typically obsolete … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on February 20, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 20, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/computer-gender/

The Moonshiner

This was posted on the groaners listserv

The origin of this tale appears to be an Irish folksong.

The story starts with a young lady whose primary occupation was brewing and distributing ‘shine. One day, as she transported her product to the black market, she had truck trouble and had to stop by the side of the road. A young man named Tommy was passing by and stopped to help her.

He was unaware of her illegal activities and remained … Read the rest...

2 Comments
by on February 2, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 2, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-porcine-story-2/

*Time for Anger

Posted on the groaners listserv by Stan Kegel.

Herman was afflicted with an explosive personality that caused him more and more problems at home and on the job. Finally, his distressed family persuaded him to enter an anger-management course.

Herman’s therapy included an alarm clock on his bedroom table that was tuned in to his brain by electronic pulses. Every time Herman flew into a tantrum, the clock would explode into a loud and irritating ring that wouldn‚t stop until … Read the rest...

2 Comments
by on January 30, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 30, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/time-for-anger-2/

Men Are Just Happier People

Our next chapter in the War Between the Sexes was sent by Shayne Gad.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on January 30, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 30, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/men-are-just-happier-people/

Nine Dangerous Words Women Use

This chapter in the War Between the Sexes came from the groanerslistserv.

1.) FINE:

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) FIVE MINUTES:

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) NOTHING:

This is the calm before the

… Read the rest...
No Comments
by on January 24, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Rated PG-13
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 24, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/nine-dangerous-words-women-use/

The Ambidexterous Golfer

This rude little tale was published on the groaners listserv a few years ago.

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on January 23, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Adult Theme, Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Shaggy Dogs
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 23, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-ambidexterous-golfer/

*Two Loopholes

From the groaners listserv.

In the late 1800s, not wanting to be outdone by American rodeo, an English chap decided to become a rodeo star. Not having a horse or any cattle, he cast about for some way to perform. His vocation was building outhouses, and he had several samples behind his home. He had also installed a couple of standing gas lamps in his yard. As a start, he decided that lassoing these objects would be good practice. After … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on January 17, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 17, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/two-loopholes/

Animals in a Bar

From the groaners listserv.

There are many different animals in a bar. The bartender comes over at the end of the night …

The skunk says ‘Don’t look at me, I haven’t got a scent’

The duck says ‘Just put it on my bill’

The cow says ‘You’ll have to ask one of the udders’

The deer says ‘I had a buck last week and I’m expecting a little doe soon’

The frog says, “I’ve got one greenback”

The vampire … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on January 4, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Puns, Rated PG
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 4, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/animals-in-a-bar/

The Stick and the Stone

Posted on the groaners listserv.

The legend is told in India about a stick and a stone that were of some small service to a Hindu holy man. Out of gratitude he offered to transform them into any object they desired.

The solid stone wanted to be a strongbox or safe to hold the holy man’s sacred relics. The vain stick indicated it wanted to become a Hindu woman’s beautiful gown or sari.

Thus it came to pass: the stone … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on January 3, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 3, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-stick-and-the-stone/

Ethical Behavior for Patients

From the groaners listserv. My father would have greatly appreciated this one. Thanks, Dad.

1.DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT
Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him/her to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2.BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he/she can get.

3.TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on January 2, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Current Events, Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Rated G
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 2, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/ethical-behavior-for-patients/

Rules — Christmas Cookies and Calories

A seasonal posting from the groaners listserv.

Christmas Cookie Rules

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on December 24, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on December 24, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/rules-christmas-cookies-and-calories/

Holiday Merger — Chanukah and Christmas

This tale appeared on the groaners listserv at this time of the season for several years.

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on December 10, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on December 10, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/holiday-merger-chanukah-and-christmas/

The Crusading Nun

This ender tale of temperance was posted on the groaners listserv. It has the flavor of an old story, but I was not familiar with it.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on November 30, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 30, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-crusading-nun/

Snow White

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. It sticks in my mind that I had a version of this one, but I cannot find any documentation of such.

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.

“How long before they’re ready?” Snow asked the clerk.

He informed her … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on November 29, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 29, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/snow-white/

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

This was posted by Stan Kegel onto the groaners listserv.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on November 25, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 25, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/thanksgiving-weather-forecast/

The Thanksgiving Riddles

Spanking clean riddles for Thanksgiving. Yea. These were posted by Stan Kegel on several of his listservs.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A Turkey.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such fowl … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on November 22, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 22, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-thanksgiving-riddles/

TSA Slogans

Right up to the minute, these come from the groaners listserv. Take care of your cars, folks. Seriously!

Grope discounts available.

Can’t see London, can’t see France, unless we see your underpants.

If we did our job any better, we’d have to buy you dinner first.

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

Don’t worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

Throw a few back at the airport Chili’s and you won’t even notice.… Read the rest...

No Comments
by on November 21, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Adult Theme, Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Puns
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 21, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/tsa-slogans/

Do you speak Turkish?

This Thanksgiving sequence is from the groaners listserv:

What does a turkey say:
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

What does a turkey with a sore throat say?
Gargle, Gargle, Gargle.

What does a turkey with club feet say?
Hobble, Hobble, Hobble.

What does a dyslexic turkey say?
Boggle, Boggle, Boggle.

What does a turkey with a lame leg say?
Waddle, Waddle, Waddle

What does a turkey with a bladder problem say?
Puddle, Puddle, Puddle

What does a turkey with an invisible handicap … Read the rest...

No Comments
by on November 20, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 20, 2010

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/do-you-speak-turkish/

« Older Posts