All posts in category alt.humor.puns

Another Nobel Effort

This was posted by Harry Farkas on alt.humor.puns.

Profesor Miller’s colleague, Professor Gonnen Dunnit of the physics
department, has spent a lifetime pursuing the as-of-yet unreachable goal of
creating cold fusion in the lab. In his latest effort, he used molecules
from vegetables to trigger the process on the atomic level.

During one attempt, it seemed that Professor Dunnit actually achieved his
goal – the process resulted in a spherical burst of energy. The professor
wrote it up and submitted … Read the rest...

Man Killed

This was posted by Nemo on alt.humor.puns.

A man was killed in a stampede while sitting peacefully in his living room by the fire in the middle of a snowstorm in winter.

A wall of his house had suddenly fallen down leaving his living room open to the elephants!

Lowrie Beacham says, “I question weather you should have sent that one.”… Read the rest...


This was posted on alt.humor.puns by Michael Balarama. The author is not known.

A man walks into a coffee shop, and is given a huge mug. But when he tries to drink from it, he discovers the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers. He complains to the counter staff, but doesn’t get anywhere. So they call the manager.

“But it’s exactly what you asked for,” the manager says.

Replies the customer, “How can this possibly be what I … Read the rest...

Law in China

This is from duh me on alt.humor.puns. The author is unknown.

Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the towns had gongs that would be rung every two hours: At 8am once, 10am twice, noon thrice, 2pm four times, etc.

The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as much they could to make more money.

The judges became extremely bored with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that all trials would … Read the rest...


This was posted by Megan Waves on alt.humor.puns.

We walked into the classroom, a test paper was waiting for us on on the desk. The question were:

#1 — What is the best selling genre of music in North America?
#2 — List the ingredients of Coca Cola.
#3 — Describe Archimedes father.

So, I’m thinking to myself, “Man, I hate these pop quizzes!”… Read the rest...

Breaking Wind

This was posted by nemo on alt.humor.puns.

William Shatner has denied he can be heard breaking wind on a new video. Shatner is seen talking to former Star Trek co-star Leonard Nimoy on Mind Melds: Secrets Behind The Voyage Of A Lifetime, when a mysterious noise is heard. But he says the sound didn’t come from him, and claims it may have been Nimoy.

According to media reports, the sound is heard while Shatner is talking about his relationship with … Read the rest...

Poetic Justice

This is by Don Kirkman who posted it on alt.humor.puns. Thanks.

Lovely Ophelia Payne, a warm hearted young lady, joined other like souls in visiting inmates of the local prison. As her visits continued she realized that one inmate in particular, Larsen E. Rapp, showed a sensitivity that she had rarely seen in a man. She came to understand that he spent long hours in the prison library, soaking up the best of American and English literature, and particularly the … Read the rest...

Kiss and Makeup

This was posted by alohacyberian on alt.humor.puns.

Large cosmetic manufacturers have begun to offer classes in cosmetology and the proper use of makeup. Some women go to Helena Rubenstien, others to Helena Handbasket.… Read the rest...

Drug Around

This was posted by “Gnu Bee” [] on alt.humor.puns

I met a woman who suggested we get lunch, I asked where, she suggested Subway. We went in to one and she starting yelling insults, throwing things and demeaning staff and customers.

I knew then she was a Sub Stands Abuser.… Read the rest...

Flat Tire

From Logan (aka Logan Tygart) [], this was published on alt.humor.puns and the groaners listserv.

Once, while driving around in my pickup with my pet donkey in the back, I discovered I had a flat tire. I got out and had the donkey stick its head under the bumper and lift the truck.

A passing farmer asked, “Hey, that’s a pretty clever trick. How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?”

I replied, “Its a simple matter of … Read the rest...


This is by Alan Hunter []. It was published on alt.humor.puns.

There once was a man who just went by the nickname “411”. He had access to all the best narcotics and anesthetics. He would go around the town with a hypodermic needle, searching out pay phones. Upon finding ones that are dilapidated and in need of some serious help, he would inject the cord on the receiver with Cocaine, novocaine, lidocaine, michaelcaine, or whatever. One day, as he was … Read the rest...

You Religious Nuts – Cut it out, NOW!

This is by Glenn Gardner []. It was published on alt.humor.puns and is posted here with permission.

I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing a kind of ritual on one young member of the group. It appeared to be some sort of vase sect to me.

(© Glenn Gardner 2000)… Read the rest...

An Indian Composer

This was posted by (JohnWarrenHines) on alt.humor.puns and is included here with permission.

An Indian composer has written a symphony dedicated to Mahatma Gandhi. It is played completely without violins.… Read the rest...

Request for URL — Urgent

This is by Glenn Gardner. It was posted on alt.humor.puns.

I received a lovely plaque with my personal monogram engraved on it. I wanted to display it in the garden, held by a small porcelain figurine. I was unable to find one that struck my fancy, but my flamboyant neighbor agreed to stand around holding the monogram, provided I would dress him up in a flashy evening gown. Can anybody here direct me to that new web site I’ve been … Read the rest...

Helen of Sodom

The original pun was published by Hauke Reddmann on alt.humor.puns.

This is the old Greek tale of Helen of Sodom. She is famous in mythology because she had The Face That Launched a Thousand Sheeps.… Read the rest...

Refried Beans (A Bit Shaggy)

This is from Jim E. “Jimmy” Snibbler [me@my.forest] on alt.humor.puns.

I think that my Mexican surfing friend takes a special, high energy food when surfing. They are kidney beans. They give him the tremendous, sustained energy that is required to breach an especially treacherous outcropping of coral near his favorite spot. I think he does this almost every day; he’s always raving about his mother’s reef ride beans.… Read the rest...

They Just Bug Me

This little pearl is from David Reihmer []. He published it on alt.humor.puns. It was also published on the groaners listserv.

My friend started hating people who collect insects. He’s a great guy, so I decided to follow his beliefs about this, even though I didn’t really understand them. Some others have joined in, too.

We don’t know why we hate people who collect insects, or why we blindly follow him, but we just consider him our leader. Maybe we’re … Read the rest...

Icy You

Bruce Michel [] posted this on alt.humor.puns.

Sylvester the Cat kept frozen small birds for snacking. One day he took a Tweety Bird out and put it on the counter. He then forgot about it for several hours and when he returned to the kitchen, the bird exclaimed, “I thawed, I saw a putty tat”.… Read the rest...

Let Your Hair Down

This was posted by Don Kirkman via alt.humor.puns.

Out here near Hollywoodland, they’re starting to make a fuss over the beautiful lady rapper with the long blond hair. One of her trademarks is the way she works puns into her lyrics.

Apparently one of entertainment reporters asked her why she does that, and she told him that it’s because, obviously, rap puns sell.… Read the rest...

Poor Kitty

From on alt.humor.puns

You know that a male cat is called a Tom, and a female is a Queen, right? Well, I was at the vet’s the other day with my cat Rosie, and a cat named Odie was brought in on an emergency basis with a stomach problem. Seems she had been inadvertently fed some of her owner’s sandwich, one of those new flat bread pita wraps everyone is so fond of these days. Her owner was some … Read the rest...


From on alt.humor.puns

Last weekend I visited Grandpa at the retirement center. Pretty nice place, all the amenities, including tennis and golf. Grandpa and I sat on a bench watching some of the residents tee off. One guy in particular caught my attention – he seemed too young to be part of the group.

When I remarked on this to Grandpa he said “Oh, that liar! He is really only 45, but he faked his application, got in here … Read the rest...

Hey Pig!

This one had a time of bouncing around the internet. This version was posted by “Gnu Bee” [] on alt.humor.puns.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.

“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.

“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their … Read the rest...

Wine Story

This was posted by David Arnold on alt.humor.puns. We have not be able to confirm the original author. It helps to understand this story, by the way, to be a wine aficionado, especially an aficionado of the most elegant German wines.

Once upon a time in the small German village of Uberunderdorf, there was a master vintner by the name of Herr Trocken. Now, Herr Trocken was famous throughout the region for his vineyards and the quality of his wines. … Read the rest...

Antenable Tale

This was posted by Steve Poge in alt.humor.puns.

A few years ago in my back garden there was this ant hill, where all the wood ants lived. This was right near the gate at the back, and we let them live there, because they weren’t causing any hassle, or eating the foundations or anything like that. Now ,you know how ants have loads of different levels in their colonies for different things like larval nurseries, well these ants were even … Read the rest...

Sheep’s Tale of the Highway

This was posted by Trevor Gale in alt.humor.puns. The author is unknown.

Someone told me when driving that I was driving sort of sheepish.

I asked why, and he asked, “Would you run a red light?”

“Yep, if I had to, ” I replied.

He asked, “And would you make a U-turn in the middle of the highway?”

So I told him, “If I was a ram, I’d make a ewe turn anywhere!”… Read the rest...