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A Graduate Student Haggadah

Posted on Puns@yahoogroups.com, by Stan Kegel. The Haggadah is the text of the ceremony perfomed at the start of every Passover Sedar dinner. The author of this fantasy/satire is by an unknown graduate student working on his Ph.D.

A GRADUATE STUDENT HAGGADAH

Leader: Welcome to the Graduate student Seder. Every year we gather together to tell the story of our forefathers’ liberation from graduate school.

Participant: Retelling the story of our time in graduate school is a sacred duty. Even … Read the rest...

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by on March 25, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 25, 2013

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-graduate-student-haggadah/

What a Way to Go

This has the flavor of an older tale. Stan Kegel posted it on the Puns and the Shaggy Dog Yahoogroups.

There are two guys in a bar.

One says, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”

“Whoa, what the heck happened to him?” asks the other guy.

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom — He hit the curb, … Read the rest...

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by on October 7, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy, Shaggydog listserv
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 7, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/what-a-way-to-go/

A Classical Football Game

This tale comes to us as the (Thank the Heavens) season begins. Gill Krebs posted it to yahoo’s pun group.

Julius Caesar, Mark Anthony, and Brutus decided to go to a football match one Saturday. Roma was playing local rival Sparta for the All Holy Roman Empire Cup. So Caesar organized the tickets and they all agreed to meet at the stadium at 3 p.m., just in time for the kick off.

Saturday arrived and Caesar and Mark Anthony took … Read the rest...

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by on September 5, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on September 5, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-classical-football-game/

Mother Quotes

These are from Stan Kegel on Yahoo puns.

– PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”

– MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”

– MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

– HUMPTY DUMPTY’S … Read the rest...

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by on May 13, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns, Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G
Tagged , , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on May 13, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/mother-quotes/

Testicular Pain

Another of those “Abuse them Texans” stories.

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn … Read the rest...

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by on March 21, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated PG, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 21, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/testicular-pain/

If You Carrot All For Me

This nutritious Valentine comes from Stan Kegel.

IF YOU CARROT ALL FOR ME

Cabbage always has a heart;

Green beans string along.

You’re such a Tomato,

Will you Peas to me belong?

You’ve been the Apple of my eye,

You know how much I care;

So Lettuce get together,

We’d make a perfect Pear.

Now, something’s sure to Turnip,

To prove you can’t be Beet;

So, if you Carrot all for me

Let’s let our Tulips meet.

Don’t Squash my

… Read the rest...
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by on February 12, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns, Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 12, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/if-you-carrot-all-for-me/

New Office Slang

This was posted at the pun page at yahoogrooups.com. If anyone has useful additions, let me know and I will post them.

404: Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Adminisphere: The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office … Read the rest...

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by on January 18, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Current Events, Lists, Puns, Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated PG
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 18, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/new-office-slang/

Memo to Customer Service

From Kirk Miller and posted to shaggydog@yahoogroups.com.

MEMO TO CUSTOMER SERVICE

This proves two things: 1) you’re not the only one who gets crappy service from your ISP, and 2) the Brits get better educations than most Americans, enabling them to write damned fine letters of complaint.

(NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and … Read the rest...

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by on January 2, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Adult Theme, Shaggy Dogs, Shaggydog listserv
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 2, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/memo-to-customer-service/

New Dictionary

A pun-cascade from several of the usual suspects at P.U.N.Y.

Amazon.com currently is advertising their new students’ dictionary
full of erroneous information: Flunk and Wagnalls.

Alan

There’s a new word compendium aimed directly at the homeless
community. It’s called the “Under-a-bridge Dictionary.”

Gary

I’ve always enjoyed thumbing through specialized dictionaries, but it bugs
me that I can’t find one on entomology.

What famous dictionary publishing house is patronized by NBA players?

Longman

Charles

A woman who wants to avoid a … Read the rest...

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by on January 2, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Pun Cascade, Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated PG
Tagged , , , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 2, 2012

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/new-dictionary/

T-Shirt Captions

Anna Welander posted this on puns@yahoogroups.com.

Here are some more humorous t-shirts to wear around town.
Put one on and see how many laughs you get:

* Here I am! Now What are Your Other Two Wishes?
* I Recycle. I Wore this Shirt Yesterday.
* I’m Good in Bed. I can sleep for Days!
* Also Available in Sober.
* Voted Class of 2057’s Most Likely to Travel Back in Time.
* I’m like a Museum – Look But … Read the rest...

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by on November 29, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Lists, Puns, Puns@yahoogroups.com
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 29, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/t-shirt-captions/

The Thanksgiving Turkey

Stan Kegel sent this seasonal contribution.

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air;
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom;
Then splattered all over the kitchen
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor;
There was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there’d never been turkey before.

It blanketed every … Read the rest...

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by on November 21, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 21, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-thanksgiving-turkey/

In the Land of Old Age

This was posted in puns@yahoogroups.com. I don’t know why these things keep coming to me more frequently these days. Probably, I should add that to the list.

Have you celebrated your 25th birthday for the last ten years? Twenty? There are many perks to getting older. Such as closer parking, discounts, and the fact that you’re least likely to get kidnapped. Here are some signs that maybe, just maybe, you might be getting a little older.

1. You walk into … Read the rest...

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by on October 18, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Lists, Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated PG-13
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 18, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/in-the-land-of-old-age/

Heaven Can Be Tricky

This warning was posted a few years ago on Yahoo’s shaggy dog page.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead
for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It … Read the rest...

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by on June 28, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Rated G, Shaggy Dogs, Shaggydog listserv
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 28, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/heaven-can-be-tricky/

Pizza Delivery

This was posted on the groaners listserv.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI … Read the rest...

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by on June 1, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Rated G, Shaggy Dogs
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 1, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/pizza-delivery/

Dessert at Canard Falls

This tale by Terry Morrison was published on the groaners listserv.

The annual Chefs’ Convention was the highlight of the year for the town of Canard Falls. Preparations for the big event began well in advance and nearly every one of ‘the Falls’ 9,326 inhabitants had a hand in it, even the children.

When the big day arrived, as it invariably did each year, it signalled the beginning of three full days of fun frivolity and feasting. People ate so … Read the rest...

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by on June 1, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated PG-13, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged , ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 1, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/dessert-at-canard-falls/

Ordeal of Sir Galahad

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.

When knighthood was in flower and power and young gallants wassailed around King Arthur’s round table, it was their wont to keep in practice by rescuing damsels from dragons and other beasts, human or otherwise.

When they has saved all the maidens worth saving, they went to seek other adventures such as heading east to find the Holy Grail.

Of all the incredible tales now told of those days, none … Read the rest...

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by on March 29, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 29, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/ordeal-of-sir-galahad/

The Sprouting Behavior of Heat-Treated Timepieces

From the groaners listserv, a classic shaggy dog.

THE SPROUTING BEHAVIOR OF HEAT-TREATED TIMEPIECES
A Controlled Experiment

INTRODUCTION:

Watch sprouting has been a controversial problem, complicated by popular misunderstanding of even its basic issue. This report undertakes to resolve the question definitively by careful experiment.

SUBJECTS:

60 new watches (12 each from Bulova, Casio, Rolex, Seiko, and Timex) were used, each pretested to be at least 99.9% accurate. Mechanical watches were fully wound. Electronic ones were equipped with fresh batteries.… Read the rest...

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by on March 5, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Dogs
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 5, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-sprouting-behavior-of-heat-treated-timepieces/

Politically Correct NFL Teams

From the groaners listserv. Assuming there is a season next year, the following is likely to happen.

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced yesterday its name changes for the upcoming season, as well as the first week’s schedule that includes:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very … Read the rest...

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by on February 27, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Puns, Rated G
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 27, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/politically-correct-nfl-teams/

The Show Must Go On

This is by Terry Morrison.

Even though class was well underway, not a sound could be heard coming from the fifth floor classroom.

Inside, seven students practised their craft with uncanny precision, lifting huge panes of glass, bumping into unseen obstacles and walking, or more correctly, being walked by invisible dogs on just as invisible leashes.

Being a mime required countless hours of energy-sapping dedication as each tiny movement was repeated over and over to create the desired effect. They … Read the rest...

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by on February 21, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 21, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-show-must-go-on/

On Becoming a Teacher

There are many that will understand exactly what this tale from the groaners listserv is about.

Once there was a man named Nathan. He wanted very much to be a teacher. So he went to seek the advice of the wisest, most highly respected counselor in the land.

“Wise counselor,” Nathan began, “it has always been my dream to be a teacher. I want to stimulate the minds of the young people of our land. I want to lead them … Read the rest...

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by on February 21, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 21, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/on-becoming-a-teacher/

Computer Gender

Another salvo in the war between the sexes, this punishment was posted on the groaners listserv.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE

5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.

3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.

2. They’re typically obsolete … Read the rest...

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by on February 20, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 20, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/computer-gender/

The Moonshiner

This was posted on the groaners listserv

The origin of this tale appears to be an Irish folksong.

The story starts with a young lady whose primary occupation was brewing and distributing ‘shine. One day, as she transported her product to the black market, she had truck trouble and had to stop by the side of the road. A young man named Tommy was passing by and stopped to help her.

He was unaware of her illegal activities and remained … Read the rest...

2 Comments
by on February 2, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on February 2, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-porcine-story-2/

A Tall Ship Tale #90: The Final Voyage

The epic conclusion of Paul DeAnguera’s punishing tale.

As the H.M.S. Legume plowed across the Atlantic rollers, Captain Quid worked feverishly at the chart pinned to his star board. He took a sighting with his sextant, and marked an X on his chart. With a grimace, he reached for a secondary sextant; same thing. But the wizened old sea captain did not give up so easily. He grabbed another sextant, and kept at it until he got a “Maximum of … Read the rest...

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by on February 1, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in alt.callahans, Puns, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Brian P. Combs on February 1, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-tall-ship-tale-90-the-final-voyage/

*Time for Anger

Posted on the groaners listserv by Stan Kegel.

Herman was afflicted with an explosive personality that caused him more and more problems at home and on the job. Finally, his distressed family persuaded him to enter an anger-management course.

Herman’s therapy included an alarm clock on his bedroom table that was tuned in to his brain by electronic pulses. Every time Herman flew into a tantrum, the clock would explode into a loud and irritating ring that wouldn‚t stop until … Read the rest...

2 Comments
by on January 30, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G
Tagged
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 30, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/time-for-anger-2/

Men Are Just Happier People

Our next chapter in the War Between the Sexes was sent by Shayne Gad.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything … Read the rest...

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by on January 30, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Rated G
Tagged ,
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 30, 2011

https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/men-are-just-happier-people/

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