An Aggie went in to see his advisor, who said, “I want you to take history, math, and logic.” “What’s logic?” asked the Aggie. “Well,” said the professor, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a Weed-eater?” “Why, yes, I do,” replied the Aggie. “OK,” continued the professor, “logic tells me that you have a yard!” “Amazing,” gushed the young rube. “And,” continued the professor, “since you have a yard, logic tells me that you have a house.” “I … Read the rest...
All posts in category Politically Incorrect
Aggie Deduction
Posted by Brian P. Combs on May 23, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/aggie-deduction/
Jose at the Beisball Game
Neither Brian, nor I could find this really old saw in the collection. Thus, it is remedied.
A young man, Jose and his family, were recently arrived in this country. One of his first adventures was to see the Yankees vs. the Red Socks. Though his ticket was in the far bleachers, he did not care. It was a day to be enjoyed.
He was especially excited when he got home, saying, “Mama, mama, they made a welcoming song at … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on May 15, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/jose-at-the-beisball-game/
Occupation Puzzle
This politically incorrect gem came from Aunt Jimmie. Indeed.
If well-endowed females work at Hooters, where do the one-legged people work?
iHop, of course.… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 25, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/occupation-puzzle/
North Carolina Good Ole Boy
A venerable tale from Tom Vickery. He’s on a roll, lately.
A good ole boy from North Carolina had heard that there are many beautiful coeds in Boston, and he had heard that Harvard was located there. So, he took off and headed to Boston.
Shore ‘nuf, he met a pretty young thing at a bar in Boston and asked her, “Do you go to Harvard?”
The girl responded, “Yale.”
“Okay, DO YOU GO TO HARVARD?”… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 25, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/north-carolina-good-ole-boy/
Airport Security Solution
Sent by Tom Vickery.
Here is a possible solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you .
It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling, and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.
Case Closed!… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 25, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/airport-security-solution/
Dead Hobo Reporting Glitch
Thanks to Lowrie for this gem.
Dead Hobo Reporting Glitch Claims Another White House Appointee
WASHINGTON – U.S. Energy Secretary Stephen Chu announced his resignation this morning amid new reports that Alameda County workers had unearthed more than a dozen additional dead hobo bodies at his former home in Berkeley, California. The Nobel Prize-winning physicist had been the subject of a week-long controversy after he amended his White House application form to declare “3 or 4” hobo corpses in his … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 25, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/dead-hobo-reporting-glitch/
Glorious ‘Highlights’ of the English Language…
These wonderful insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Thanks to Tom Vickery for this listing. Bill Pardue has also sent versions of this collection.
The famous exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 23, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/glorious-highlights-of-the-english-language/
Mathematics and Women
This mathematical proof (and similar variants) can be found all over the internet. The original author is unknown.
And, for the record, this does not apply to my lovely wife.
All boys know that getting girls takes time and money: girls = time * money
All boys know that getting girls takes time and money: girls = time * money
Posted by Brian P. Combs on April 15, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/mathematics-and-women/
A Request for Help
This was posted on the groaners listserv, of course. Hoppy Gnu Gear, y’all.
Dear Friends, my name is Ndugood. I am a wealthy Nigerian prince who
loves the jazz of music. I am seeking your help to move $200,000,000
from my checking account here in Nigeria to the United States. I too
love the jazz of music and am planning to flee to America to open many
jazz clubs at which I would like you to perform. You will receive… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 7, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-request-for-help/
How To Make Yourself Feel Smarter (Read These)
Alice Collins from LA sent this. (Now, as for me, I would be likely to cut a little (a lot of) slack for anything Mariah Carey or Brooke Shields might say.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 4, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/how-to-make-yourself-feel-smarter-read-these/
Colonoscopy Comments
This is from Glenda Konopka, a dear professional friend.
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous … A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by some of his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies :
1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Are we there yet? Are we there … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 4, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/colonoscopy-comments/
Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?
This updated political statement was sent by Bro Tom Vickery.
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 4, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/subject-why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road/
Rear-Ended at the Stop Light
Dick Brewer sent this particular tale.
This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention.
I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late. “Great, just great”, I muttered.
The driver opened his door……..leaned out of his car and stared at me.
He was a dwarf.
He got … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 30, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/rear-ended-at-the-stop-light/
Depressed
From cousin Roger. So evil. I love it.
I was depressed last night so I called a local Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 28, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/depressed/
Three Quarterbacks before the Lord
This rude little tale is at least thirty or forty years old. Who the original subjects were is lost to antiquity. Certainly, you might choose a different three quarterbacks when you tell it.
Payton Manning, Tomy Romo and Brett Favre all stand before God, in heaven. God asks Peyton Manning first: ‘What do you believe?’
Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, ‘I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 28, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/three-quarterbacks-before-the-lord/
Warning from the Middle East
This comes from my pledge bro Charlie Pfister.
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America’s supply of convenience store managers, and possible candidates for President of the United States.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps., and then Motel 6 managers…..… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 28, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/warning-from-the-middle-east/
The Politically Correct Thesaurus
Politically Correct Terms For Females
* She does not get PMS; She becomes HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
* she does not have a killer body; She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
* she is not a bad cook; She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
* she is not a bad driver; She is AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
* she is not a perfect 10; She is NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
* she is not easy; She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
* she does not hate sports on TV; She is ATHLETICALLY … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 28, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-poliically-correct-thesaurus/
There Is a House in New Orleans…
By Alan B. Combs.
These were a couple of posts sent to my mailing list following the Katrina Hurricane of 2005 which did so much damage to New Orleans.
Many of my wife’s relatives live(d) in New Orleans. I find I have a great deal of affection and sadness for that wretched city.
It has not been a good year for New Orleans. Many enterprises, both legitimate and those with less than respectable attributes went down those totally inadequate drains. … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 28, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/there-is-a-house-in-new-orleans/
A Message from the Rural Midwest
This is from my Aunt Jimmie.
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when East Coasters and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states’ Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin likely did … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 27, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-message-from-the-rural-midwest/
The Amish Farmer
This is from Lowrie. It is an updated old tale, I do believe, but it certainly resonates these days.
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts, “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.” (Which means, “Don’t drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.”)
The kneeling man shouts back, “I’m Muslim, I don’t understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 27, 2010
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-amish-farmer/
Roast for Joel McColl
By Alan B. Combs, May 2007
Joel McColl, the Punster of the Year (P.O.T.Y.) for 2006-2007, just retired from being the MC for the Annual O. Henry PunOff, after a couple of decades of service. I have had little interaction with Joel — but, I know he’s a musician, he sells Hondas, and he is a genuinely smart and nice guy.
This makes it hard to roast him with any sincerity or any authority, but, as is the case with … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on August 5, 2007
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/roast-for-joel-mccoll/
Thoughts on Bow Hunting
From Lowrie who knew I wouldn’t be able to resist using it. It reminds me of the ancient question about, “What is the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits the windshield?”*
Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist. Eventually, the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits. The journalist asked, “What do you think the last thought is in the head of a … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on May 5, 2007
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/thoughts-on-bow-hunting/
Gaining Face?
Sent by Alan B. Combs
A recent headline from the New York Times on-line (you may have to join to read it) says the French are the first to use a transplant to repair a face.
This seems appropriate research for folks that are always losing face, doesn’t it?
Tom Gunther’s co-worker said that this isn’t surprising, since the French have always been two-faced.
Lowrie adds, “Their faces are not lost; they’re just wedged up their derrières.”… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on May 5, 2007
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/gaining-face/
New Rules for 2006
This was posted on the groaners listserv. A little curmudgeonly, perhaps, but not too far off in most cases.
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 7, 2006
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/new-rules-for-2006/
Rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain
This was sent to the groaners listserv by Myke Ashley-Cooper. Many are old jokes under a new guise. The author is unknown.
… Read the rest...PRANCES WITH WOLVES
JEREMIAH’S JOHNSON
THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA PADRE
BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
PAINT YOUR WANGON
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE WILD BRUNCH
HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC’S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
THE HOARSE SOLDIERS
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN… AND AGAIN
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 7, 2006
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/rejected-titles-for-brokeback-mountain/