Dennis Adams sent in this one. Blame him.
A number of cannibals were talking about their favorite foods.
One said, “I like Mexicans, because they are nice and spicy.”
Another said, “I prefer Americans, because they are so soft and tender.”
The third said, “I like Israelis because they come in so many flavors.”
“What do you mean?” asked one of the others.
He replied, “Well, there’s orange Jews, apple jews, grape jews…”… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/marrowly-escaped-one/
Denny Adams sent in this martial pun.
The Israeli armed forces have developed their own form of martial arts. They call it Jew-jit-su.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/jewcy-pun/
Apple’s digital assistant Siri has an army of writers working to develop answers to questions common and uncommon. On occasion, the answer has a nifty little pun.
This little Holocaust pun is both inappropriate and funny.
2014/01/14: As I come across more of these Siri puns, I’ll probably add them on here.
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/siri-puns/
This is from classmate Sonya. It ended up a lot sweeter than I thought it might.
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working — in a West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/texas-sheriff-exam/
Sensitivity Training For Men
This was forwarded by Lowrie B who actually deleted certain ones.
* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
* Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/why-lessons-in-political-correctness-may-be-needed-for-men/
This poliitical update is from Lowrie B. I think I would like to have the concession for the lemon creme pies to hit our politicos in the face.
WASHINGTON, D.C. —The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that “our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the willing and capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”
In an official statement published on the group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/al-qaeda-disbands-unnecessary/
Thanks to Stan Kegel for this list.
Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishn:a He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican: They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox No, they were OURS first.
Lutheran: Our toys are nailed on the door.
Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism: … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/favorite-toys-by-denomination/
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-bomb/
Tom Vickery sent this little visual treat around via email. The original source is unknown.
The book, “Understanding Women” is now out in paperback.
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/its-a-mythunderstanding/
Found on a web forum. Probably as old as the internet.
A man walks into a bar, notices there’s no women in there, figures it’s a gay bar but he wants a beer too much to care. So he goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer.
The bartender says “What’s the name of your penis?”
The man replies “I haven’t given my penis a name.”
The bartender says “Better give it one if you want a beer” … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/barly-shaggy/
This is from Bro. Tom Vickery.
1. Teaching Math In the 1950s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In the 1960s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In the 1970s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-evolution-in-teaching-math-since-the-1950s/
This was forwarded by Dick Brewer. It is by John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/british-alerts-to-terror-threats-in-2011/
This one is from Lowrie B.
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, ‘Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ‘
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, ‘Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ‘
When the attendant came … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/changes-military-aviation/
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/when-a-male-cant-stand-it-anymore/
From Shayne Gad.
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still
Rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/east-texas-etiquette/
A lovely old tale from Lowrie Beacham. The specific version varys according to current political inclinations.
A woman bought a new Lexus LS430, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn’t figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
Watch this! he said..Nelson! The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?
Willie! he continued…. and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.
The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-political-lexus/
From the yahoogroups punsite.
… Read the rest...* He does not have a beer gut; He develops a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
* He is not quiet; He is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
* He does not have a fabulous rear end; He has achieved BUTTOCKS PERFECTION.
* He is not stupid; He suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
* He does not get lost all the time; He discovers ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
* He is not balding; He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
* You do
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/politically-correct-terms-to-use-for-females-2/
From a yahoogroups pun site.
… Read the rest...* She does not get PMS; She becomes HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
* She does not have a killer body; She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
* She is not a bad cook; She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
* She is not a bad driver; She is AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
* She is not a perfect 10; She is NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
* She is not easy; She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
* She does not hate sports on TV; She is ATHLETICALLY
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/politically-correct-terms-to-use-for-females/
This from the groaners listserv.
A rich newspaper owner decided to give his business to one of his three sons. He told them that he would give the paper to the one who could come up with the most sensational headline with no more than four words.
The following is what they came up with:
The first son came up with a four word headline: BUSH SUPPORTS UNLIMITED ABORTIONS!
The second son responded: AL QAEDA BECOMES CHRISTIAN!
The winner was … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/newspaper-headlines/
This tale has been bouncing on the internet for several years. Oh yes, it is rude, crude, unrefined, and funny. It was originally sent to me by Mel Lett.
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. “Guaranteed. Yeah, right!” he thought to himself. But … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/an-effective-weight-loss-program/
Politically Incorrect, we won’t mention from whom this cometh.
A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing well.
He says Prophets are going through the roof.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-profit-is-not-without-honor/
This is from Gil Krebs. It wasn’t initially an Aggie Joke, but the slight change seemed so apropos.
Three Aggie gentlemen, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, “We got to get Elmer to the hospital … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-hunters-an-aggie-joke/
From Lowrie.
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven’t seen each other since Fayetteville High School Days. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-matter-of-appearances/
This is from my Aunt Jimmie. I think I also would like to retire, but looking at this tale, I can see there are dangers inherent in the process.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/advice-from-a-retired-husband/
These connected stories were posted on the groaners listserv.
Two Martians alighted from their spaceship.
Over their weird clothes hung long black silk coats. Instead of ears two twisted antennas protruded from each head, and perched on top was a black beaver bowler top.
A television news reporter arrived on the scene and managed to get close enough to one of the Martians to interview him.
“Do all Martians look like that?” he asked.
“No,” answered the Martian, “only the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/three-martian-tales-with-a-jewish-flavor/
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