xkcd is a webcomic by Randall Munroe. Sometimes he includes puns that are usually of a mathematical and/or scientific nature. And sometimes they’re just twisted.
This work is copyrighted and is licensed by xkcd under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 Generic Licence.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-sight/
Irregular Webcomic! is by David Morgan-Mar. Occasionally, he includes wonderful puns. This was originally published on January 20, 2004.
This work is copyrighted and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported Licence by David Morgan-Mar.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/lowely-shaggy-dog/
This was posted by Gill Krebs to puns@yahoogroups.com
It’s an unseasonably cold day in Dallas. Two priests who are visiting town for a convention are walking and since they did not bring overcoats, they decide to buy a couple. They go into Nieman Marcus and ask the clerk for two black overcoats. The clerk explains that it’s the off-season for overcoats, but he’ll take a look. All he can find are two navy blue coats of the proper size.
He … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-overcoats/
Another from Bro Tom Vickery.
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a frozen box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put them in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did.
The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen to her if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/crabs/
From Lowrie and Alan.
Tropical Storm Beryl was the third tropical storm of the 2006 Atlantic hurricane season.
Upon hearing the news, Lowrie remarked, “What??? Our coast is imberylled?!? Panic!”
I responded, “I see there is a tropical storm off the coast of the Carolinas. I guess it’s their turn in the Beryl.”… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/tropical-storm/
This is from Bill Pardue.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become an auto mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-change-in-profession/
We are told in Revelation that the number of the Beast is 666. The original of this list is by Richard Findler, though additions have been added; this is from the groaners listserv.
660 — Approximate number of The Beast
-666: Negative number of the Beast
DCLXVI — Roman numeral of The Beast
666, 1332, 1998 — Years of the Beast
666.0000000000 — Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 — Number of the MilliBeast
/666 — 66Denominator of the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-numbers-of-the-beast/
A pun cascade perpetrated to PUNY.
The NY Times indicates that an increase in the number of vasectomies correlates with the recessions.
I guess in this economy, all of us have had to cut some things out.
Alan
I am quite distressed by the levity on this topic; it cuts me to the quick.
Joseph Harris
Male sterilization makes a vast difference for the better. If you don’t see the pun, you need to Google the subject and graze … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/signs-of-the-times/
The author is not known. I will let you decide upon the truth of this tale.
A woman walked into a lingerie shop in Washington D.C. and said she needed to buy a bra. “Certainly, Miss,” said the salesperson. “We stock three kinds: a Democratic bra, a Republican bra, and a Liberal bra. I’m sure one will suit your needs.”
“I never heard of those kinds,” said the confused customer. “What’s the difference?”
The sales clerk explained, “The Democratic bra … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/political-bras/
She’s clearly not a blonde, and I am sure she would not claim to be the author of any of these.
HOW FAR?
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida, or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says, “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????”
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/blonde-jokes-from-ms-scarlett/
By Alan B. Combs
A month ago, we stayed a few days in Anaheim visiting relatives and the ancient ancestral home of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I found that I had to sit down a lot and that eventually my backside became numb. So, as it turned out, I was the perfect candidate to visit Sleeping Booty’s Castle.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/one-day-in-anaheim/
This was my presentation for the 2008 O. Henry Punoff. It has been evolving over several years. I liked it. The judges didn’t, not at all.
Here at The University, the school song is “The Eyes of Texas.” It is vaguely reminiscent of “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”, but with much deeper meaning and sincerity, of course.
My schtick works pretty well as an audience participation Call-and-Answer. I suggest the premise for the variant, and the audience comes back … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/variations-on-the-eyes-of-texas/
Sent by Jo Ann Thomas.
After living in the Kentucky mountains all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, ‘How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.’
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-hillbilly-and-the-mirror/
This bit of education comes from Bro Tom Vickery.
I was sitting next to a priest in a pub in Boston having Irish bean soup and raving about how great it tasted…when he offered that “the Irish have a strict rule that this soup have no more than 239 beans per serving.’
I ASKED, “Why this strict rule?”
And in his finest Irish tongue he said, “If we added just one more bean it would be too farty.”… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/irish-bean-soup/
I’m not sure where this came from or who to credit. It’s just something I remembered from a long time ago.
(Gill Krebs to Stan Kegel)
To me, it sounds a little Cajun.
I hunt ze bear, I hunt ze wolf,
Sometimes, I hunt ze rat,
Last week I take my axe,
To hunt ze skunk polecat.
My fren’ Bill, he say he’s very good fur
An’ sometimes good to eat
So I tell my wife we get fur coat,… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/ze-skunk/
This is from Bill Pardue.
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn’t believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/blond%e2%80%99s-flat-on-the-interstate/
From William Brabant; this was posted by Stan Kegel on the shaggy dog listserv.
If you didn’t see this on the Tonight show, I hope you’re sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates…. but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.
This was on the “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno. Jay went into the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/an-embarrassing-date/
From Jonathan Gordon, the spouse that hasn’t fallen far from Miss Scarlet’s daughter. The original times and sources are unknown.
A guy gets into a cab at Logan airport and asks the cabbie, “Hey, do you know where I can get scrod around here?”
The cabbie says, “Yeah, but I never heard it in the past pluperfect before!”… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/subject-a-boston-fish-tale/
This edition of the War Between the Sexes came from Bro Tom Vickery.
Dear Tech Support,
??Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
• Romance 9.5
• Personal Attention 6.5
• and Routine Shower and Shave 3.6
Then it installed undesirable programs, such as:… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/upgrading-to-husband-1-0-tech-support/
Sue Lemcke sent this particular alert from a recent warning from the FDA’s Homeland Security Page.
“The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today warned consumers not to use American Bullie A.B. Bull Pizzle Puppy Chews and Dog Chews manufactured and distributed by T.W. Enterprises, Ferndale, WA, because they have the potential to be contaminated with Salmonella, which can cause serious infections in dogs and cats, and, if there is cross contamination, in people, especially children, the aged, and people with … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/warnings-we-never-expected-to-see-and-perhaps-never-wanted-to-see/
Sent by Jo Ann Thomas.
I have learned so much from my computer. I was living in total ignorance.
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/what-ive-learned-from-my-computer/
A new offering from Bob Levi. Yea.
Parenthetically, our family just returned from Roswell, NM. Even after some probing studies, I cannot say that we saw any aliens or saucers.
Over the years, sightings of unidentified flying objects and alien spaceships have captured the imagination of many people. One such person was a young feller by the name of Hiram Jones who lived in a rural area of Tennessee. The following story may have been a dream or perhaps it … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-aliens/
Thanks to Debbie Brand for this gem.
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners (2007).
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-washington-posts-style-invitational-2007/
From cousin Roger who appears to be on a roll.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but…..something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-tragic-accident/
By Alan B. Combs
The other day, the CDC released statistics claiming that 96% of Americans have had sex by the time they are 20 years old. See, I am highly skeptical of this magic number, and this morning, local radio personality Bob Cole pointed out the critical flaw.
Considerably more than 4% of folks are too ugly or too socially inept to have scored by the time they are 20.
As Garfield says, “….”… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/sex-by-age-of-20/