All posts in category Rated PG-13

Don’t Blow This One…

This blink-and-you-miss-it pun was submitted by Denny Adams.


A woman went to her optometrist for an exam. The Dr turned the exam chart on the wall and asked her to read it. she replied that she couldn’t see anything. He increased the size to 6″ and asked her to try again. Still nothing.

So he enlarged it again to a foot. Still cant see it. out of frustration he pulled out his manhood, and asked if she could see it. … Read the rest...

A Pun for the Halibut

Denny Adams sent this little guy in…


After a long day of fishing, I was feeling a little frisky, but alas, my wife wasn’t interested. She said “Not tonight, Dear. I’ve got a haddock.”… Read the rest...

A Pun I Truly Relish

Denny Adams submitted this quick pun.


I went to the grocery store last night, and got to the cashier. She asked, “Paper or plastic?”

I said, “Either is fine. I’m Bi-sacktual.”… Read the rest...

Going of the Rails on a Crazy Twain

Denny Adams submitted this little pun.


A new massage parlor opened in Hartford Conneticut, named “King Arthurs Court”

The employees are affectionately known as The Conneticut Yankers.… Read the rest...

First Christmas Joke 2013?

Mike Franklin sent in the following little gem.


There seems to be room for all sorts of jokes here so may I suggest something seasonal?

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, … Read the rest...

The Best Little Warehouse in Texas

This little gem was submitted by Denny Adams.


Did you hear about the illiterate hooker, who tried to get a job in a warehouse?… Read the rest...

How to Treat Elves

This ancient, shaggy poem is attributed to Morris Bishop, and was submitted to us by Denny Adams.


I met an elf man in the woods,
The wee-est little elf!
Sitting under a mushroom tall–
‘Twas taller than himself!

“How do you do, little elf,” I said,
“And what do you do all day?”
“I dance ‘n fwolic about,” said he,
“‘N scuttle about and play;”

“I s’prise the butterflies, ‘n when
A katydid I see,
‘Katy didn’t’ I say, and … Read the rest...

The Cow, the Ant, and the Old Fart

This was posted by our rude punster, Myke Cooper.


A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
 
The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”
 
The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Why are you scrolling down here? It’s … Read the rest...

Slow and Shaggy Wins the Race

This picture pun just started making the rounds. I first saw it on Memebase, but I don’t know where it originated.


Slow PokeRead the rest...

What Was That Word?

This was forwarded by Bro. Tom Vickery. It is not too new, but certainly deserves to be added to the collection. Thanks, Tom.


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if … Read the rest...

In the Land of Old Age

This was posted in puns@yahoogroups.com. I don’t know why these things keep coming to me more frequently these days. Probably, I should add that to the list.


Have you celebrated your 25th birthday for the last ten years? Twenty? There are many perks to getting older. Such as closer parking, discounts, and the fact that you’re least likely to get kidnapped. Here are some signs that maybe, just maybe, you might be getting a little older.

1. You walk into … Read the rest...

Surgeons at a Convention

This is was posted by Stan Kegel on puns@yahoogroups.com. Somehow it never seems to get old.


Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and making jokes.

The first, a Florida surgeon, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.”

The third, a California surgeon, says: “No, … Read the rest...

Vignettes of When the Fight Started…

Thanks to Bill Pardue for this collection.


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s when the fight started……..


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do … Read the rest...

Alzheimer’s Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words? 1. F_ _K 2. PU_S_ 3. S_X 4. P_N_S 5. BOO_S 6. _ _NDOM ... Read the rest...

A Legal Question…

This one is from Roger Combs.
Read the rest...

Dessert at Canard Falls

This tale by Terry Morrison was published on the groaners listserv.


The annual Chefs’ Convention was the highlight of the year for the town of Canard Falls. Preparations for the big event began well in advance and nearly every one of ‘the Falls’ 9,326 inhabitants had a hand in it, even the children.

When the big day arrived, as it invariably did each year, it signalled the beginning of three full days of fun frivolity and feasting. People ate so … Read the rest...

Changes in Military Aviation

This one is from Lowrie B.


While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, ‘Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ‘

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, ‘Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ‘

When the attendant came … Read the rest...

Current TSA Statistics

From bwJokes.com.


The statistics for last year from the Travel Security Administration of the Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorist Plots Discovered and Thwarted (0)

Transvestites (133)

Hernias (1,485)

Cases of Hemorrhoids (3,172)

Enlarged Prostates (8,249)

Breast Implants (59,350)

Natural Blondes (3)

Read the rest...

Nine Dangerous Words Women Use

This chapter in the War Between the Sexes came from the groanerslistserv.


1.) FINE:

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) FIVE MINUTES:

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) NOTHING:

This is the calm before the

Read the rest...

West Point

This is a pun cascade from many of the folks at P.U.N.Y.


From our vantage overlooking the Hudson at West Point, we could see, near the top of a hill on the other side, a castle [purportedly] used in the filming of The Wizard of Oz, complete with a moat. Apparently it won’t be used in future productions. It’s been demoated.

Bob Dvorak


If the castle is not being used, we should consider the ditch around it to be moot.… Read the rest...

The Aggie Hunters

This tale is from Gill Krebs. I think it may be an old one.


Three Aggie gentlemen, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest.  As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, “We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he’s gonna … Read the rest...

Puns On The Animal Kingdom

This is a recent series of puns on the PUNY listserv.


What’s a large animal that, when it walks back and forth, back and forth, and makes you very sleepy to look at it?
A hypnopotamus!

Cyn (MacGregor)
= = = = =

What greeting in a nudest camp makes you think of an animal?
A Buff Hello

Stan (Kegel)
= = = = =

Q: What does the father Buff Hello say when he drops his kid off at … Read the rest...

The Cow, the Ant, and the Old Phart

This was published on the bwjokes2 listserv. I am not completely sure that I understand the joke.


A Cow, an Ant and an Old Phart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow said, “I give 50 liters of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!!”

The Ant said “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the … Read the rest...

R.E.S.P.E.C.Shaggy

Irregular Webcomic! is by David Morgan-Mar. Occasionally, he includes wonderful puns. This one was originally published on January 27, 2007.


Will he respectre in the morning?

This work is copyrighted and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported Licence by David Morgan-Mar.… Read the rest...

Irish Alzheimer’s

This is from Lowrie.


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat… I know … Read the rest...