All posts in category Rated G

Bad Luck

A certain nameless person entered the pun contest ten different times in the hope that at least one of his puns might win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.… Read the rest...

Frozen Story

A variant of this story is in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”


Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day Scrooge.

One day during the winter the lake froze over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip, if he … Read the rest...

Go with the Flow

Another original spurious-synapse product from Chris Cole.


Bee keeper Ben R. Jizer prided himself on the very potent, flavorful honey his bees produced. It was quite by accident, however, that he discovered another rather peculiar quality of his honey. It dissolved rubber gaskets. How, you may ask, did he discover that?

One of his honey distributors suggested to Ben that he package his honey in bottles resembling little glass barrels, fitted with a handy spigot on the side for dispensing … Read the rest...

Monster Tale (The Beast of London)

This is an olde tale. This updated and expanded version was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.


. The Beast of London

By the 15th century, the Templar Knights had disappeared, but deep in the bowels of the British Museum in a case well sealed and protected lies a strange memorial to their impact on the city of London.

London of the early 12th century was on its way to becoming an impressive city, but its life and … Read the rest...

The Coal Miner

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his advocation was painting, but since he couldn’t afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having “corrupted the murals of a miner.”… Read the rest...

Wax Museum

The manager of the Wax Museum of Horrors called in his janitor, and told him that he would be fired if he didn’t do a better job of polishing the figures in the museum.

The janitor replied: “I am sorry, but I buffer ghouls badly.”… Read the rest...

Off the Coast of Newfoundland

Off the coast of Newfoundland, a great many fishermen do their fishing at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails, and shipwrecks are the result. The Department of Fisheries was reviewing statistics one day, and was shocked to discover how many shipwrecks there were during night fishing. When they discovered that the fishermen were navigating by the light of the moon, they promptly installed … Read the rest...

Spiritualist

Yet, another shaggy dog with an endless lifespan.


Dr. Combs’ story reminded me about the time when a short spiritualist was hiding out from the law. The local news station reported that the police were looking for “a small medium at large.”… Read the rest...

Roy Rogers

This one is decades old and comes in various incarnations.


Many years ago, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans had a problem with a mountain lion. This lion had cost Roy and Dale a number of head of cattle, but what really got Roy’s attention was one night the big cat crept onto the front porch of their house and mangled Roy’s brand new cowboy boots, which had been left outside overnight. That was the final straw. Roy saddled up Trigger, … Read the rest...

Another Fishing Tale

The author of this little gem is not known.


Scotland is a great place for fishing — people travel from all over Britain to take part in the angling competitions held in Fifeshire. To keep the visiting fishermen entertained in the evenings, one of the hotels decided to stage a fish eating competition as well.

A dozen competitors sat at a long table with a supply of grilled fish fresh from the nearby river and their choice of tipple to … Read the rest...

Arthur’s Story

There once was a guy named Arthur Twiddle. He was your ordinary, homeless street bum, and everyone called him Artie. He found a cozy area to live next to this huge mansion. Although he lived in a cardboard box, he would gather the crumbs from the owner of the mansion for food. The owner’s name was Mrs. Ralphs.

Everything was fine up until Mrs. Ralphs decided to get a pet cat. Instead of throwing away food, she would feed it … Read the rest...

Anesthesia a la Bong

Chris Cole asks, “I can’t help but wonder if the following might be possible?”


A Prague anesthesiologist decided to stop using regular anesthetics, figuring lots of time was wasted while waiting for the patient to finally “go under”. Besides, the anesthetics were expensive. Instead, he just kept a large wooden mallet on his tray next to the surgery table. The mallet bore the following inscription — Rapid Czech-Out.… Read the rest...

Popular in Ministerial Circles

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Paster Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Bill went out, bought some paint and started painting the church.

He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected, so he added some thinner to the paint. The paint still covered, but not as well as it did at first. He continued to use more paint than he wanted, so he added still … Read the rest...

Weak Tea

This one is very old. The author is unknown.


George loved tea. He’d always come over for several cups. He had an insatiable thirst. He became such a nuisance that we decided to fix him. To cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to drown him with the stuff. One day we forced him to drink ten posts of tea. As he staggered off, we laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten pots in a … Read the rest...

The Blue Volvo

Jim owned a blue-green colored Volvo. It was a ’72 however, making it quite old and even Volvos don’t last forever. When he was driving home one afternoon and the engine fell through the engine mounts, his wife brought up the subject of buying a new car. “Well, I’ve grown partial to this car, dear” said Jim. “But honey, this car is falling apart!” his wife exclaimed. The argument went on for a while and the husband finally agreed that … Read the rest...

Salesman in Africa

There are endless versions of this one bouncing around the net.


A travelling salesman was opening up new territories in Africa. On day he fell ill. Being a man of action, he sought immediate medical attention. Even though the only nearby facility was a witch doctor, he went to see the man. The witch doctor looked him over, then cut a long, thin strip from a leather hide and gave it to the salesman, saying “Chew on this and by … Read the rest...

Now, This is Poverty

We were so poor as children, we had very little to eat. One day my mother sent me to the basement to find what I could for dinner. After a long search, I came back with some beets. This was not enough to feed our family of 6, so my mother sent me to the attic to kill the family of wrens who had moved in there. My mother cooked the wren and we waited for my father to get … Read the rest...

Royal Antics

There once was a king who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he arranged and shared with them. As will happen, the king died and his eldest son took the throne.

Now this new king was an animal lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they finally ousted him. This was a truly a significant event because it’s … Read the rest...

The Dog’s Tale

I think it was in a different pub where the landlord had a big problem when a dog was run over by a tram outside his door late one night – the poor animal had his tail cut off and died from loss of blood.

Every night at midnight, the ghost of the dog came back to look for his tail, but couldn’t find it, so just sat there howling until 1am.

When a barman asked his boss why he … Read the rest...

Pre-Nissan

This is for my dear, precious Mary Ann, of course. It turns out this story is much older than I thought it was. “Himie Koshevoy’s Treasure Jest of Best Puns”, 1969, has a version of the second punchline.


It was a mystery fit only for the great Sherlock Holmes, himself. The day after every full moon, members of a Japanese fraternity would be found dead in the hall on the fourth floor. The victims were crushed and there were signs … Read the rest...

Fish’s Tale

I have just been thinking about the all times I used to spend fishing. A favorite technique was to find a nice tall Ponderosa at the edge of a stream. I would sit down in the shade in front of it and cast my line into one little eddy after another.

I really enjoyed those days of casting swirls before pine.… Read the rest...

Buddhist Cuisine?

We have not been able to find the source of this story.


A Buddhist gentleman was in the habit of leaving a bit of food on an altar each morning before departing for work. One morning he had left a freshly fried eggroll. Before he left the house, he noticed that the tidbit had disappeared. When he questioned his houseboy about the matter, the houseboy guiltily replied, “I knaw its only wokkened roll — Buddha lack it.”… Read the rest...

A No ‘Count Story

This particular story is very, very old.


There was this war on, do you see, and the Count was captured. His captors tried and tried to get him to reveal his military secrets, but he staunchly said, “I’ll never tell!” They imprisoned him, and tortured him, and threatened him, but he always said, “I’ll never tell!”

Finally, they said, “Either reveal your secrets or we put you to death!”

“I’ll never tell!”, said the Count. So they put his head … Read the rest...

Mary Poppins

After Mary Poppins became older, she gave up being a nanny and retired to the West Coast of the United States. After a while, she became bored and decided to open up a small detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her psychic ability and strong nose. She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign proudly. It read:

“Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis.”


Lloyd Botway asked about the source of this well-traveled pun and I said … Read the rest...

About Those Big Cats

Himie Koshevoy tells a version of this story.


Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in … Read the rest...