All posts in category Rated G

Shaggy Levity

This was submitted by Duke Hayes (1998). Thank you.


The king was at his wits end. The castle had just repelled the worst assault, yet, and the barbarians were in full retreat. All around there were boulders and parts of the ramparts littering the ground. They were not very aestetically pleasing and were just plain in the way. He put his best men to work on the cleanup project but it was taking forever, he needed a better way.

The … Read the rest...

K9+BYTE = :(

Recently, I do not lack for good and original material for these Thoughts for The Day. Ballinger posted this one, another variant on an old commercial. The author is not known.


Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.

Trouser’s owners were walking him along a trail at … Read the rest...

Y’all (you all)

This was written by Stan Kegel (a name you will get to know), and it was sent to me by BevJoe.


An veterinary orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia. “Help sir!” he cried, “I just got braces and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!”

The orthodontist was moved, and a good … Read the rest...

The Gang’s All Here

This was posted by Firesong in alt.callahans.


There once was a bunch of rather ineffective art thieves, headed by one Enrico W ielf. They had the thief part down pat, they could break into _anywhere_. The tr ouble was, Enrico had very poor taste in art. They would invariably wind up with the most terrible pieces of worthless trash in the collection. It got so the po lice could spot one of their crimes by the uselessness of the stolen … Read the rest...

Wizard’s Powers

From a Cartoon in the Daily Texan, as I remember it.


As I have indicated previously, some of the newspaper cartoons are good sources for shaggy dog stories. This particular one had to do with a Wizard who worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign:

“This parking space belongs to the Wizard. Violators … Read the rest...

ParaBull

This shaggy dog was received from Bill Frank of a nameless government entity. Thanks, Bill.


Anyway, thanks for the shaggy dog site. It helps me forget the tragedy of the loss of my own shaggy dog. He used to chase the cat next door. This was a smart, and malicious cat. The cat would step into my yard, wait until my poor old dog saw him and started to give chase. Then, the cat would spring through a hole in … Read the rest...

Insulation

From: mbrockmon@navpoint.com


There was once a trolley conductor, honest as the day was long, loyal, faithful and true, who married a young woman whom he truly loved. They lived together in a tiny apartment. They had little in the way of possessions, but a lot in the way of love. One of the things that got in the way of that love was the young bride’s need for material things. The poor man was forced to get a part time … Read the rest...

Vertically Challenged & Shaggy

I received this one from Steve Poge who posts on alt.humor.puns


A man boarded the Metro Bus and was amazed to see a small dwarf seated on a pile of cushions, driving the bus. He was no more than two feet tall. He was wearing a green uniform, and a hat straight out of Robin Hood.

The dwarf stared directly ahead while driving, and kept repeating the same words over and over….. “tick-tock….tick-tock…tick-tock…” The man asked the person sitting next … Read the rest...

Star Worse

This was posted on alt.callahans by Quiet Don. It is to be found on humor sites all over the internet. The original author is unknown. (May the farce be with you.)


Quiet Don steps from the Shadows, a twinkle in his eye, and says, “I don’t know where I heard this last, (parts were in one of the Callahan books), but here goes.”

It was a hot summer’s day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard … Read the rest...

Nearly a Feghoot

By Stan Kegel.


They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They had landed with grass seeds to plant and horse, sheep and cattle embryos. But, the grass wouldn’t grow and none of the calves could survive. The horses and sheep were doing well, but there was not enough fodder to meet their needs. So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an … Read the rest...

Slaving over the Net

by Alan B. Combs


I am still recovering from my semester from Hell, but I was not the only one in my family who was busy. My son the webmaster is now doing online advertising for a major purveyor of well-formatted silicon. Over the holidays, he has been putting in long hours slaving away at the new World Wide Web site.

In fact, one might say that for the past several weeks he has been doing nothing but netcerfing.… Read the rest...

Picking Up Ascent

This sent to us by Chris Cole who says, “(Courtesy of ‘Uncle Jaybird’s Storytime’, a popular shaggy dog feature doneby a southern California disc jokey on KFI in the late 1960s… sent in by some equally demented listener…)”


In the Alps there was a treacherous mountain which had never been successfully scaled. No one who attempted to reach the summit had ever returned. Only once had a battered and broken climber crawled back into the village at the foot of … Read the rest...

Coloridge Redux

By Gary Hallock


A few years back the U.S. Postal Service issued a series of postage stamps featuring movie stars from Hollywood’s golden age. Thinking they would be valuable someday, I stocked up on a bunch of these and now I’m stuck with way too many of the ones that feature the lovely Miss Loy. In fact, I still have the ream of the 8-cent Myrna.… Read the rest...

Stark Vader

Mike Peters, the author of the _Mother Goose and Grim_ cartoon strip should receive punish recognition for his efforts — posted with permission.


A recent strip had Mother Goose reading from the newspaper which described a new, highly advertised dog food with a Star Wars motif. The response from Grimm (the dog) was, “May the horse be with you.”… Read the rest...

Turn about is fair play

Bryce L. Martin sent the inspiration for this short tale.


The story concerns a butcher who went into a petshop. It seems he fell in love with one the seabirds in the shop. Alas, he had no money to spend, but the shop owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some of that delicious German sausage. The deal was made.

It seems he took a tern for the wurst!!


A variant on this pun is in a … Read the rest...

Seasonal PMS

Mitch, that rascal, sent me this. (He is the one to be blamed, not I.)


A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.” The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and … Read the rest...

A Bad Start

This is modified from an *old* poem sent to me by Mitch.


There are some happy sciences (pathology, toxicology), but others are not so happy. A case in point concerns embryologists who tend to be a morose and saddened group. No wonder. One of the first things they learn is that our lives are ova before they’ve begun.… Read the rest...

Santa Catalina

This was the nearly instantaneous response of my Pun Mistress, Scarlet, to a previous story that had the punchline: “Judy’s garland goes somewhere over the brain, Bo!”


BRAVO! BRAVO! Two dozen plus two athletes were lined up to present the garland amidst a crowd of one hundred forty four dour onlookers. The athletes were cheering and laughing, but the onlookers were not so happy. In other words there were only TWENTY-SIX SMILES A GROSS TO SEE.… Read the rest...

Shaggy Beer

This was created by Tom Gunther….


Here’s one that came to me out of thin air last night…

“I’ve been thinking about a remake of The Music Man set in the 90s. The character of Marian Paroo would no longer be a librarian but would be an unfulfilled bikini model in beer ads, a sadder Budweiser girl.”… Read the rest...

Panda to Bad Taste in Puns

This was from Tom Gunther.


A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’M a PANDA! Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the … Read the rest...

Killarney Blarney

This was provided by Albert W. G. Ervine, who came upon my shaggy dog page.


Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with her husband, the Count. They were staying at an Intourist hotel on the edge of the Ural Mountains and were scheduled to begin an escorted horseback tour of the area early the next morning.

Lura had developed a good tan a month earlier on the beach at Nice, but now she noticed that it … Read the rest...

Gogh see Paris

John Richburg sent me this one.


Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Read the rest...

Fernando Llamas

This was sent to me by Jerry Kite. Thank you.


A long time ago in South America, when Llamas were first domesticated, their fine soft fleece was often combined with wool to make a fine soft cloth which was very valuable.

Well, something happened, and the Llamas started to run a high fever which damaged their fleece. Business men realized that something must be done very quickly. They tried to herd the Llamas to higher mountain areas where it would … Read the rest...

Getting ahead in life

This story comes from Gatotomaso of P.U.N.Y. He received it from his friend Jack Greenleaf in Arizona. I also received it from pesner@aol.com. A version also appeared in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born, but he is without torso, arms or legs. Nevertheless, the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, … Read the rest...

Academic Research at the Seminary

Sailor Jim posted this on alt.callahans some time back.


I just spoke to my counterpart at a major seminary college (the name of which, at his request, shall remain known only to the Lord), and he was in a tizzy.

It seems that he is behind in his theological research and is rushing to publish a much needed paper, without which, there is a very good possibility that he will be reassigned as a priest to a congregation somewhere in … Read the rest...