All posts in category Rated G

About those fears….

by Alan B. Combs

A psychologist friend has altogether too many patients with bizarre phobias with whom she must deal. One patient has an abnormal, paralizing fear of spiders. Another, is reluctant to go out at night, another to go out during the day. Several are afraid to walk on sidewalks because of the potential injury to their mothers’ backs. One patient is desperately afraid to spend money. Another is worried about getting disease from the germs on paper money. … Read the rest...

Fee Line

This was sent by BevJoe from Adrian Gilbert’s jokeserv.

There is this man is in the supermarket, keeping a mental record of how much he’ll spend when he gets to the cash register. “That’s two dollars and a cat… Five dollars, fifty cents, and a cat… Nine dollars and a cat… Thirteen dollars, sixty five cents, and a cat…”

A fellow shopper asked him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘and a cat?'”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the fellow said. “I’ve got … Read the rest...

Mathematical punishment

This is embellished from a one-liner from Mike Brimberry.

Technical/engineering schools such as MIT and Cal Poly pride themselves on their excellence in teaching mathematical skills. They only got in trouble once in a beginning calculus course in which there was a Friday night exam. It seems that many of the students thought they knew the material so well that they drank beer all afternoon before the exam. By the bad grades on their exams, they learned that alcohol and … Read the rest...

The Ship’s Captain (Feghoot)

(By John F. Moore based on a character by Grendel Briarton)

In the 28th Century, Ferdinand Feghoot always took passage on spaceships from Argol. Their discipline was rigidly based on Terran naval tradition. Indeed, Argolian law compelled every cartain, on assuming command, to identify himself withe some sea-going hero of Earth, actual or legendary. One wore an eye-patch, another a false wooden leg; some carried harpoons, spyglasses or belaying pins; they wore pea-jackets or gold-braided coats, and uttered such phrases … Read the rest...

Upstanding fellow

BevJoe sent me this which originated from Adrian Gilbert’s joke listserv.

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused… told me I was crazy. But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4″ shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic … Read the rest...

Mexican Cuisine (Feghoot V)

This story is by Reginald Bretnor using the pen name Grendel Briarton.

Ferdinand Feghoot explored the system of the star y-Turista during the Third Franco-Mexican Empire. The expedition was sponsored by His Cosmic Majesty, Maximillano Ixthuatl XXII, who decreed patriotically that only Mexican food might be served aboard ship.

In 3002, Feghoot returned, and was ushered directly into the Presence. “What did you find?” asked the Emperor.

“Sire,” replied Feghoot, “Most marvelous of all are our Ixixixangos.” He pointed to … Read the rest...

A Seafarin’ Computer Tale (Arrrrr!)

This anachronistic little gem was submitted by Jim Macaulay. If you are just too young to get the reference, “Nyaa, nyaa, nyaa!”

As a highly skilled computer technician, Joe was hired to synchronize the communication between the microchips in the various computers in a local network. His new boss had left him instructions on a series of post-it notes. The slips of paper were so numerous and jumbled that they were confusing to Joe and his colleagues. Finally, Joe decided … Read the rest...

Two for the price of one

By Dan Dutcher with a response by Alan B. Combs

Dan Dutcher swears that he was taking a nap on a flight from Hawaii to the mainland, when he awoke and said to his companion, “I just dreamt a pun.” He then took out a sheet of paper and wrote this story.

Shortly after Sonny Bono’s untimely demise, I was having a drink with my friend, Harry, a highly respected superior court judge. He mentioned that his father had been … Read the rest...

Liverish Pun 02

In response to a “whiskered old chestnut” I posted to alt.callahans some time ago, John Barnstead posted the following.

Alan, Alan, Alan… Despite the fact that this is old enough to enthuse Methuselah, you’ve entirely garbled the story. I can see that an infusion of vacation-renewed blood is required here. Here is the WAY THINGS REALLY WERE:

Everyone knows that Pernicious the Musquodoboit Harbour farm cat loves to have fairy tales read to him before he goes to sleep each … Read the rest...

Road Dents

This was posted in alt.callahans by John Barnstead.

Pernicious the Musquodoboit Harbour farm cat steps up to the chalkline, a saucer of cream balanced contemplatively on his left fore-paw. He meows, which, being interpreted, means:

Friends, I am here tonight to propose a toast in protest against the cruel exploitation to which human beings subject other animals. I need not indicate the fate of laboratory mice: after all, I wouldn’t mind meting that out MYSELF if given the opportunity. Nor … Read the rest...

Singing at the Ballpark

This was posted by Gregg Opelka to Adrian Gilbert’s jokeserv. BevJoe sent it to us.

Overheard at the White House: “I can’t believe he did it right in the Oval Office.”

“You know, he doesn’t consider the office shape to be oval. He does not think it was a sexual relationship. In truth, he feels that it’s only an Oval Office if you do it there with a small busted female undercover agent.”


“Don’t you see? … It’s never … Read the rest...

Gamey Dice

This was posted a couple of years ago on alt.callahans by Lin Ka-Ming (aka Magus Firecow).

Magus Firecow, finally done with finals returns to AC, to deliver the following:

Milton Bradley, those famous board game makers were successful because they had supernatural help. You see, they were given two dice that contained the answers to all the questions one could possibly ask.

These powerful random number generators are kept in the little known, Super-natural Mystic Artifact Repository Tower – All-knowing … Read the rest...

Whirled Cup

This from Norm Gilbert via Stan Kegel.

One of General Motor’s employees decided to get away from the picket lines and take a holiday in France. He saw that the local bank’s armoured truck was being robbed. He reached for his gun and began shooting at the robbers. Sad to report his only hit was to mortally wound Dannette’s medical examiner. headlines read, . . .

“Striker fired a shot past the gold keeper into the coroner of Dannette.”… Read the rest...

Ferdinand and Feckless Go Golfing

This original was submitted by Gregory Lepore. Thank you.

One day while lounging beside his sunny, suburban swimming pool, Ferdinand Feghoot received a telegram from John Smith, author of the recent best-seller -King-, a biography of Henry the Eighth. Smith was inviting Ferdinand and his son Feckless to play golf with him at a nearby country club. Knowing that Smith hated to golf and, knowing that Ferdinand hated Smith, Feghoot decided to go and ascertain what Smith’s intentions were. In … Read the rest...

Essene Essence and other old tales

By Alan B. Combs and Chris Cole

Archeology, that ancient science of antiquities (or is it the antiquated science of ancients), received much favorable press with the Indiana Jones sagas. Usually, though, archeology is more quiet than that.

One exception to this quiet occurred a few years ago in the Middle East when a new cache of ancient written material was found near the Northern border of the Dead Sea. Controversy arose immediately. It appeared that while many of the … Read the rest...

Once Upon a Night….

From Doug Fitler — long, convoluted, it belongs here.

Many years ago, a traveler came to the ancient land of Day. As he traveled through the country side he saw many fields and pastures. The people working the land all appeared to be peasants, living in abject poverty. However, all he passed seemed to be in good spirits. Asking a peasant how he could be so happy while living in such an impoverished state, the man told him that this … Read the rest...

Francis, Key to the Ship

This was posted by kwiz (aka Martin Baker) on alt.callahans. The author is unknown.

The short stocky gentleman appears from a corner carrying a leather bag which clanks alarmingly as he aproaches the bar. He pauses, removes several glittering gold sovereigns, places them in the cigar box on the bar, then appropriates a bottle of Glenbannock and heads for a table….

“All this talk of tall ships reminds me of the good ship Intercoursus, out of Thermopylae. The foredeck crew, … Read the rest...

Diving Contest

Brian received this one from Paul Thomas.

The rich man aboard his sailing ship in New York’s East river watched the poor kids diving off a pier. He paid particular attention to one of the divers because of his apparent ability. He went to the pier and invited the outstanding diver to his ship for a diving contest.

When the young guy got there, he found six other divers that were in the contest. As the contest wore on, it … Read the rest...

The Long and the Short of It

Another original from Chris Cole.

Recently an NBA player went in for arthroscopic surgery on both knees at the same time. Somehow, the doctor really screwed up and the player came out of surgery six inches shorter than when he went in.

Well, the player was outraged and royally chewed out the doctor, who, in a fit of pique of his own, responded by insulting the NBA star, making snide jokes about his sudden post-surgical shortness. The player hobbled off, … Read the rest...

Native American Lunacy

This shaggy tale was from Michael Brimberry; worth *passing* on.

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, “How long have you been down there in that awful hole?”

The Indian replied, “Many moons.”… Read the rest...

Sea Food Joke, Tell Food Joke

This was submitted by Seth Cohen, a student at one of the *other* colleges of Pharmacy.

The Local AM Radio station here ran a story this morning about a research project that is involved in feeding Prozac to clams.

I called the station to ask where this study was being conducted, and they said it’s in Gettysburg, PA.

I then said to the DJ, “I didn’t know Prozac was a mussel relaxant.”

I heard him sputter coffee right before he … Read the rest...

Feghoot (bork, bork, bork)

This was sent to Brian by Wesley E. Munsil. It is modern, to be sure, but has the authentic flavor of an original Feghoot. Thanks, Wesley.

By the final years of the twenty-first century, a retro-fascination with mid-twentieth-century pop culture icons had catapulted the one-time game show host, newsman, and all-around general-purpose celebrity Hugh Downs into international, if decidedly posthumous, superstardom. Hardly any teenagers in America — to say nothing of Europe, the Middle East, and the developing countries in … Read the rest...

Cirpunnavigate the Globe

This was posted by TheDeacon (aka Eric Loy) on alt.callahans.

Did you see the special on the Discovery channel last week about Magellan’s round the world voyage? They went on and on, telling how tough it was for him to gather the equipment and the people for such a commitment. It didn’t help things that he was such a stickler for rules, either.

Only certain colored clothing was allowed on the ship. The sailors were forbidden to sing songs with … Read the rest...

Best Laid Plans

This was posted by Sam Voeller on alt.callahans. The author is unknown.

To begin this story, we must imagine an English castle under siege by a large part of the French Army. Not only was the castle under siege, but large scaling ladders were being built in full sight of the defenders. It did look bleak for the good guys.

In the nick of time, one of the defenders, Sir Bedevere, offered to bring in a large family of jokesters … Read the rest...

Hockey Shtick

This verson of a venerable tale is by Stan Kegel.

Anaheim Mighty Duck superstar, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his father visit him recently to watch him play. In honor of the occasion, his good friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the renouned local Scandinavian restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne’s favorite Finnish dishes. In addition to … Read the rest...