All posts in category Rated G

The Spy

A version of this tale is in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.” A similar version has been attributed to Bennett Cerf.

Wolff Kissinger was a spy. He was the bane of the Nazis during the war, for although they sought him everywhere, they were never able to lay a hand, bullet or poisoned dart on him. The reason was that Wolff was a master of disguise.

Once he was an old flower woman, calling out her posies in … Read the rest...

Transcending Dental

Also from Alyn George []

Just a thought:

If Clark Kent instead of a reporter, had been a dentist with a strong conviction of the benefits of dairy products because of their high calcium content, would his alter-ego have stood for Tooth Justice and the American Whey?… Read the rest...

In The Barnyard

John Fleming posted this on the groaners listserv. The author is unknown.

A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig. … The little hog laughed to see such a plight and the sow jumped over the coon.

We are reminded of a recent cartoon in which a cow lost her pants while going down … Read the rest...

A porcelain guide by night and bidet

By Alan B. Combs

This is a tale of commercial competition in the making and sales of fine porcelain and china. Noritake, Wedgwood, Mikasa, Lenox and others are among the world’s most famous brands. Buying a collection of any of these could deplete the whole retirement, I’m afraid.

Mikasa is a previously stodgy Japanese company that has been wanting to expand its markets, particularly in Latin America. Along this line, they have been searching for sales mottos that would show … Read the rest...

Shaggy Hygiene

I received this from Alyn George []. Very nice, and thanks.

Little Amy came home from school one Wednesday afternoon with a note from her teacher:

“Amy’s a little distraught as we discovered an outbreak of nits in the school and had to call in the local clinic to treat the children. Please, understand that Amy hasn’t been singled out, all the children underwent the same procedure – we had to nip this in the bud.”

The following morning, Amy … Read the rest...

The Tridkicker

Dave Colby posted this on the Groaners listserv. The computer nerds will groan louder than the others. The author is unknown.

The legend of the Tridkicker is already known far and wide, so I won’t repeat it. But there’s more to the story.

Our Tridkicker was getting old, and was finding it more difficult to kick Trids as far as he used to. Besides, he had recently installed cable TV and there was so much that he wanted to … Read the rest...

Some Don’t Like Physics, Either

This tale was written by Stan Kegel. It was sent by Bevjoe and was posted on the Godshome listserv.

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” … Read the rest...

Fowl News

This story reverberated all over the internet last year (2000). I much have received ten copies. The author is unknown, but it is found on many different humor sites.

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot and was … Read the rest...

Catholics: I’ve got….

This is by Stan Kegel and was posted in the groaners listserv.

Before Al Gore became vice president of the United States, he worked briefly as a drummer for a little known night club act. Some people say that during that time he came up with the best most mathematically precise rhythms ever known to man. They are now called appropriately enough:. . . Al Gore Rhythms.… Read the rest...

The Truck Stop

This story is attributed to Cleve Farvin.

A friend of mine had been at a truck stop getting some lunch. The food was good, prices reasonable, and the service fairly good. After finishing his meal, he and his companion were drinking coffee and talking, and noticed their waitress talking to one of the customers at the lunch counter. He wanted a refill and wasn’t able to catch her eye, but did notice that the customer seemed to be a friend … Read the rest...

An Unlikely Muse

From the admirably prolific Chris Cole

People often wonder where great authors get their inspiration, especially for truly great works. Well, sometimes inspiration comes from the most unlikely places.

During a brief bought of writer’s block, literary giant John Steinbeck was in correspondence with a lovely Vietnamese woman named Mai. She lived in a village teeming with dozens and dozens of eligible young ladies like herself, but with only one eliigble bachelor in the entire village.

Being the caring soul … Read the rest...

Wayne Newton

The Annual Bulwer-Lytton ( writing contest is based upon the much stolen beginning line by Snoopy, “It was a dark and stormy night…” The contest is run each year by the Department of English at San Jose State University. The award is given to the worst lead-in to a dreadful story.

The following tale by Susan Blevin was one of the runnerups for 2001.

While they listened to the dulcet strains of Wayne Newton, quaffed champagne, cuddled in the hot … Read the rest...

According to Martin Luther

Original from Clynch Varnadore and posted on the PUNY listserv.

As you know, Microsoft makes a program called “Works”. One of its many functions is to backup the files that are produced. What you don’t know was that a few years ago a Christian group got together and created a similar package called “Grace”. The program failed to produce adequate sales and was discontinued.

Critics blamed the advertising slogan. Their advertising slogan?

“Not by Works, but by Grace shall ye … Read the rest...

A Dandy Drawing

“Here’s an original, just sort of oozed out of my synapses…” (by Chris Cole)

Osgood Sandoval was a well known local artist — at least in his small town, anyway. The townsfolk all heartily supported this fledgling talent and humored him by often asking him to quickly sketch something for them on the spot. Osgood would smile broadly and grant their requests, bursting with pride as he did so.

Soon his artistic talents were put to use on T-shirts, providing … Read the rest...

Town Festival

This extended pun was published by William Hovey in The Pundit, and was posted on the groaners listserve.

The annual festivity for the town of Hixville was a contest to test skills such as ax sharpening, scepter shining, web weaving, cooking, hair vetch cutting and witches broom sweeping. The perennial winner was Bertram Bodkins. The annual losers were the Amber boys, Aesop, Avril, Jon and Nuff. Each time that Bertie won, his girlfriend Wendy got so excited that she would … Read the rest...

All on a Saturday’s night

This is by Clynch_Varnadore and was posted on the puny list serve.

This being the place for puns, I thought I’d throw a groaner at you. I’ve just finished it and knew I’d need a captive audience. You’re it!!! (Clynch)

In the late 1800s, not wanting to be outdone by American rodeo, an English fellow decided to become a Rodeo star. Not having a horse, or any cattle, he cast about for some way to perform. His vocation was building … Read the rest...

An Ill-Wind — II

This is by Cynthia MacGregor and was posted on the puny listserv.

Once upun a time in a town far away, there was a prediction of heavy snow overnight, but all they got was a light dusting of the stuff. During the night, however, the mattress factory caught fire, and so on top of the rather minor quantity of snow that fell across town, there were also burnt bits of mattress that had escaped into the air and settled down … Read the rest...

The Cabbynet Maker

This Feghoot is by Clynch Varnadore and it was posted on the Groaners and PUNY listservs.

During a period of time in Ferdinand Feghoot’s life in which he was feeling particularly morose and depressed, he took a visit to London’s late 1800’s period. The soot, fog and bad morale of the commoners suited his mood, and he felt quite at home.

On his trip, he decided to do a little sight-seeing and so he hailed a cab. This cabbie was … Read the rest...

A real fish story

Beverly McGuire sent this to us. The author was not known at the time of posting.

It was April 4th 44, being a quadruple leap year, I was driving downtown Atlantis, my Baracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating. I pulled into a Shell Station, they said I’d blown a seal. I said “Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal”.

While they were doing that … Read the rest...

Pun on the Fourth of July

This is by a new punster, Bob Welch. The lad may just have the touch.

A fellow and his wife in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife, “We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the pledge of alligence”.

His wife said, “Are you nuts? You can’t have girls going … Read the rest...

Just yell at it

Posted by Sandy Walke on alt.callahans in response to advice about fixing a car engine.

Actually, just yelling at the dang thing often helps. You have to yell just right, though. There are professionals who, after years of training and specialized emotional therapy, can handle that for you if you can’t figure it out. Of course, you already knew that a well-adjusted car berater can solve a lot of problems.… Read the rest...

Lone Starring

This is an original from Gilbert Krebs.

When Hugh Hefner had his Playboy mansion, there were a succession of Bunnies that he became involved with. It was a custom for each Bunny to present him with a necktie. Eventually, he had hundreds of them in his closet. When he finally married Kimberly Conrad, she became upset to see all those souveniers from former girlfriends. In a fit of pique, she grabbed them all and threw them at her new husband, … Read the rest...

Sven team? Sven team sics.

Stan Kegel sent this to the Groaners listserv about a year ago. I have saved it until it has become relevant, again.

A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to Bombay and Calcutta, where he purchased two diamond necklaces. On his return flight to the United States, he had to go through customs where he was asked to list everything he had purchased on his trip. So he made . . . the declaration of Indian pendants.… Read the rest...

Hoary Horse Tail

This is an original from Chris Cole. Thanks.

In New York’s Manhattan Island it’s quite common to see street preachers of every variety, from the calm presenter to the top-of-the-lungs fire-and-brimstone orator. Of particular note were four brothers who staked out the four corners of a busy intersection. They would begin their ministry early in the day, imploring and beseeching passersby to repent because of the upcoming End Times events described in the last book of the Bible, Revelation (sometimes … Read the rest...

Future’s Tense

The two tales told herein are all over the internet. The author of the first one is not known.

It is not well known, but before moving to an island and conducting bizzare DNA experiments, Doctor Moreau was once a prominent audiologist.

He had set up a clinic in the small town of Stapes, France and it wasn’t long before his research led him to discover the means by which even those with severe hearing loss could once again appreciate … Read the rest...