All posts in category Rated G

The Agent

From the groaners listserv.


A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive
information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to
walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.
He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a
farmer.

“Hello, said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”

“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer, “as it happens, there’s a
village right over … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #77: Confucian to Our Enemies

Another entry from Paul DeAnguera.


The time-traveling sailors were dismayed to be so royally welcomed by Wang Mang, for this made their mission to repair history all the more disagreeable. Conversation petered out and they nursed their cold tea miserably. Finally the First Mate decided he had to come out with it.

“During our last visit I mentioned that we are visitors from the future,” he reminded the Emperor.

Wang Mang smiled and nodded. “So you did! But that was … Read the rest...

Truths For Mature Humans

Random Thoughts from Dick Brewer.


1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was … Read the rest...

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

From the groaners listserv.


Why did the chicken cross the road? The biblical perspective:

Abraham:

     And G-d appeared to me and said, Abraham, Abraham, take the chicken, thy only chicken, that thou lovest, and take it across the road…

The Bible:

     (1) And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

     (2) And so the Lord he spoke to the … Read the rest...

The Twelve Night’s of HALLOWEEN…

This parody was posted on the groaners listserv


On the first night of Halloween My true love gave to me… A vulture
in a dead tree!

On the second night of Halloween My true love gave to me… Two
flying bats And a vulture in a dead tree!

On the third night of Halloween My true love gave to me… Three
black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!

On the fourth night of Halloween My … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles

Topical and Halloween-timely from the groaners listserv, some of these are very ancient, indeed.


What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

What do you call a skeleton that won’t get out of bed?
Lazy Bones

What did the wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What was the werewolf’s first name?
Harry (Gary Hallock)

What’s black, … Read the rest...

Peanut Butter Without Jelly

This is by Bob Dvorak.


Dani sat in the cafeteria and opened up her brown-bag lunch. Bologna. Again. She glanced around. Jimmy had PBJ. Beth had PBJ. Sal had PBJ.

They looked back at her. “Bologna again?”

“Yes. I don’t like peanut butter without jelly.”

“So get your mom to put jelly in it.”

“We don’t have any in the house. Too many calories, she says, so she got rid of the jelly.”

“No more jelly?”

“No. She’s ex-pectin.”… Read the rest...

Halloween Poetry

From those punsters on the limericks and haiku listserv:


On Monday the coven was shocked
To learn that a witch had been socked
She took quite a beating
At last wiccan’s meeting
So this week the back doors warlocked
(Gary Hallock)

To frighten the chicks Tom devises
Sheets of white, for turkeys, wise is
His gobblin’ will fool
Those chicks so uncool
This poultry guised pullets surprises
(Gary Hallock)

One of those dead old pha-raohs
Once asked his dad why … Read the rest...

A Horse Riddle

Posted on P.U.N.Y. as a riddle, “I want to get off on Foal 100”. This is by Bob Dvorak.


The youngster on the horse farm was in a playful mood. The weather was warm, the skies were clear. Butterflies flitted about and there wasn’t a fly in sight. He went down to the pond, and gingerly stepped in to grab a sip of water. A misstep into the muck, however, caused him to flounder; he lost his footing and splashed … Read the rest...

The Night Before Halloween

This was posted on the groaners listserv. I fits with all the other Night Before Christmas parodies.


(Author Unknown)

‘Twas the night before Halloween
and all through the crypt
EVERY creature was stirring
(except one bat who got gypped).

The monsters had gathered
to plan and prepare,
for the trick-or-treaters
who soon would be there.

Mummies unraveled and put on new wraps.
Spiders found corners and spun silky traps.
Count Dracula grinned and slicked back his hair.
Frankenstein’s bride cried, … Read the rest...

Off The Beaten Drac….

We have in no manner run out of these daily Halloween stories. That leaves some for next year. This particular tale is by Bob Dvorak and was posted to P.U.N.Y.


Dracula was walking down the street in mufti. He paused in front of a jewelry shop and was admiring a bracelet with some particularly marvelous blood-red stones when a young woman approached with the similar idea of browsing expensive baubles.

As she studied an opal pendant she heard a somewhat … Read the rest...

The LeTourneau Wedding-Plan Tips

This helpful information for Cajun wedding planners comes from the groaners listserv.


The Top 18 Mary Kay LeTourneau Wedding-Planning Tips:

18Save honeymoon money by staying at Howard Johnson’s, where kids stay free!

17Be sure to bring a few Game Boys so the groomsmen don’t get bored during the ceremony.

16“Let’s see, there’s Mary Kay, her two kids, Vili’s adolescence … What’s blue? Wait — the prison guard’s uniform!”

15To ensure that guests of all ages have

Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #76: Drawing A Blank

Paul DeAnguera continues the story.


Not long afterwards, Lao-tzu presented Captain Quid with his re-created “Book of Taoist Virtues.” Now the H.M.S. Legume was ready to repair the damage to history which Sir Hillary Throckmorton-Shillingsworth III had caused by burning the only copy of the book that was the foundation of Taoist philosophy.

“But how should we distribute it?” Peabody asked. The sailors scratched their heads as they pondered this question. But they got no ideas — only dandruff flakes … Read the rest...

Halloween Humor in a Jugular Vein*

From the groaners listserv and from the book referenced below.


We all love to travel, and vampires, too, need their rest and relaxation. So Count Dracula went on a tour of Europe.

Having not had a meal since he’d left the homeland of Transylvania, he was very glad when a town constable knocked on his hotel door and asked the count to show him his passport. It didn’t take Dracula long to grab the policemen and suck every drop of … Read the rest...

Teenagers Are Like Cats

From the groaners listserv.


Teenagers Are Like Cats

How so? Well, consider:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in

Read the rest...

The Vegetable Race

This from the groaners listserv.


A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, didn’t
have the strength to finish the race.

The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first stretch, but the tomato quickly fell behind.

The yam was about to reach the end of the track, but collapsed in
exhaustion right before the finiish line.

In the course … Read the rest...

The Donation

From the groaners and clean jokes listservs.


One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared … Read the rest...

Zombieland Rules

As we approach Halloween, I’m reminded of last year’s Zombieland, a brilliant horror-comedy staring Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, and Abigail Breslin. In the movie, Columbus (Eisenberg) refers to thirty-three rules for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

While not all of the rules have been revealed, here’s what we know:

1. Cardio
2. Double tap
2. Ziploc bags (alternate #2 from a deleted scene)
3. Beware of bathrooms
4. Wear seatbelts
5. Shoot first (from the cell phone game)
6. … Read the rest...

Anti-Crime Program

A quickie by Bob Dvorak.


The mayor of a certain large Midwestern city decided to press a new anti-crime program via the Police Department called the “Zero Urban Problems” program.

Each morning at roll call, the sergeant finished with “Let’s be careful out there.” When a rookie asked why he always said that, his partner answered, “He’s the Head-ZUP guy.”… Read the rest...

Halloween Humor — The Grave

From the groaners and the Jest For Kids listservs.


A man worked nights and his workplace was on one side of a cemetery and he lived on the opposite side? He was very afraid of ghosts and rather than walk through the cemetery at night, he walked two or three miles around it. Both ways.

This went on for a couple of years. One day, he said to himself, “What am I afraid of?” That night he walked through the … Read the rest...

The Contest

From the groaners and shaggy dog listservs.


Two cadets at an Arizona Air force academy were bragging in their off time about what good hunters they were. Well, it seems that they decided to have a contest, and whoever won the contest would be accounted the better hunter. To make the things a little more interesting, they each put up a pint of the best whiskey they could find.

There had been rumors that a lion had escaped the local … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #75: Grueling Punishment

We enter the back stretch of Paul DeAnguera’s punny epic.


The monastery’s gate-keeper ushered the H.M.S. Legume’s officers into the scriptorium. “Here we transcribe manuscripts for the courts of the Indian kingdoms,” he told them. They paused to watch an elderly monk. He was working by the light of an immense candle which had attached itself, barnacle-like, to his desk by its drippings. He bent over a curling sheet of vellum, painstakingly ornamenting a capital.

“What’s this book about?” the … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 3

Continuing the Halloween Riddles.


Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
     Their bats flew away (Gary Hallock)

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
     A dead ringer.

What do you call two witches living together?
     Broommates.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
     A sand witch.

Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
     He wants to use them later for cold cuts!

How do ghosts begin letters?
     “Tomb it may concern”… Read the rest...

Armageddon Headlines

This is from the groaners listserv.


When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?

USA Today:
     WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
     DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
     O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
     GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
     APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog:
     OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:
     GAME OVER

Wired:
     THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
     THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
     ‘BYE

Discover Magazine:
     HOW

Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 2

These are from the groaners listserv.


Why did the skeleton go to the hospital ?

To have his ghoul stones removed !

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain ?

He could feel it in his bones !

What do you call a skeleton who won’t get up in the mornings ?

Lazy bones !

What do boney people use to get into their homes ?

Skeleton keys !

What happened to the boat that sank in … Read the rest...